Sorry for the Absence

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I haven’t really been gone, lovelies. I’ve been here, trying desperately to post but never quite making it. I have many, many drafts that I almost posted, but something just never worked. But here I am, finally back with some material evidence for you; the un-posted posts, here for you. They may not mean much to you, but they go pretty deep. Here they are, in reverse order.

All the Wrong Places
Just Looking for Love
Self Perception
Apparently I’ve Changed
He Gave Me Flowers
Michael
Harriel
Sean
Rob
Best Friends ’till the End
Too Many Boys
School is Hard

A lot can be said when looking at these titles. I’m not sure if you can tell, but there’s been quite a few guys in my life of late. And that’s just four of them, there’s so many others… It’s hard to describe what’s been going on because overall it sort of seems like I’ve become a flirt, or worse.

My best friends don’t talk to me as much if at all anymore because I’ve changed too much for them.
I’ve broken a few hearts and snagged a few more.
I drove to Manhattan, Kansas to K-State to meet a stranger from Tinder, I drank alcohol with said stranger, and I got naked with this same stranger. I did not have sex with Sean- that’s his name. I did, however, very soon after tell him that I didn’t think we should keep seeing each other. I was his first “girlfriend” besides one highschooler that never even cuddled, and I only lasted a couple weeks of talking. He fell hard for me, but I didn’t feel a connection. I know I hurt him, bad. He was heartbroken… but isn’t it better that I cut it off quick before leading him on too much? I realize I probably should’ve figured out my feelings before getting pretty physical. But I make mistakes.

And old habits die hard, apparently. Because now I’m stuck between two guys, who I feel like I am playing because I can’t figure out the battle going on between my brain and my heart.

One is a college guy- he’s kinda nerdy (not in the book smarts nerdy but the anime watching, video game playing way), he’s really nice and makes me laugh a lot, and he’s a good listener. Also he’s a really good kisser and we make out a lot and also I may have already had sex with him. He’s kinda quirky and not very romantic or talkative and he has a complicated relationship with his ex… he kept communication open with her “just in case” something might happen again. Even though he’s the one that broke it off because they were always fighting. So she’s not really an ex, because he still has this talking with more intentions than talking thing going on with her. And he’s black, which honestly confused me at first. Okay before you go and think I’m racist, calm down. It’s not because I’m against it, I just never, ever, pictured myself with a black man. I asked my mom a few weeks ago what she would think if I dated a black guy, and she said, “It’s fine as long as you aren’t gay.” Also not the response I would like, because well what if I was gay? It shouldn’t make a difference. It makes me a little uncomfortable that dating black is just a step above being gay in her books, which apparently is very bad. But anyway, I digress.

The other is a highschool senior. He likes math and science like me, he’s directionally challenged and socially awkward like me, but he also has a great sense of humor like me too. He speaks russian and german and plays piano and ukelele and the harmonica. He is a really great gift giver and is so perfect with romantic gestures and he makes everything feel so special, he gave me my first flowers and is growing bamboo for me and physically we are taking things pretty slow which I really like. But he’s damaged and has a crazy abusive ex whom he is definitely not over, at all. I’m not going to go into that relationship, I’m just going to say that she is crazy controlling, manipulative, and mean. And it’s scarred him forever, he’s timid, afraid of doing something wrong, and even asks me permission to go to bed or do certain things. I’m trying to make him see that I’m not the same as her, that relationships aren’t supposed to be like that. But I don’t want a project, I want a relationship. I don’t want to be the rebound or the girl he uses to learn how to love again, and I’m afraid he might go back to her if she gives him a sideways glance.

So yeah, deciding between awkward romantic highschooler or mysterious sexy black guy is an ongoing battle between heart and brain, and every minute it takes for me to try to figure out my feelings is another minute I feel like I’m lying or cheating or using them.

But looking back at those titles, I also saw that I have changed. I’ve learned more about myself in the past few months than I ever did in the previous 18 years. And I think that’s a good thing. I think it’s important to know yourself before you ever try to go further and know someone else or start your life. You need a foundation of self to build your life on, if that makes sense.
And I think I’m not being slutty as it may seem to some people. Yes, I have had romantic or sexual encounters with a few boys in a small amount of time. But it’s not because I want to use them, it’s not because I just want sex. I spent a lot of time thinking about what brought the change, and it was sort of obvious to me. I am honestly just looking for love. I had love, or atleast what felt to me like love. It was the closest thing to love that I’ve ever felt, and I’m honestly not sure if I’ll ever get that close again. But without consciously deciding to do so, my broken heart decided to frantically search for something to grasp onto- beginning with cuddling (and more) with his best friends, one night stands with a boy leading to flirting with all of his friends, flirting and testing the waters with a coworker and friend, the tinder date I mentioned, almost pursuing another boy who already had a girlfriend, and the two guys I also mentioned. And a few more flirty encounters. I feel like a slut, listing all that out. But honestly, it’s more like a high-speed system to test potential relationships and if the first few checks fit, I go to the next step. If not, I move on. No need to continue something when “something” isn’t there and probably won’t ever be.
I’m like a love computer, systematically searching or love.
It’s hard to explain, but it’s just the way I think my heart was coping with the confusing using it got.

So yeah, I feel like this post was all over the place. And everything is hard to explain. But I wanted to officially be back! So it’s nice to see you again, lovelies :) I’ll see your sexy faces again soon!

Sometimes I Miss You

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Sometimes I Miss You

lillyjane96:

This is exactly how I feel.
I shouldn’t miss you, but I do.
I miss everything. But I don’t want you to know it.

Originally posted on Single Strides:

My guest post originally published on The Fickle Heartbeat:

I miss you sometimes. I can admit it to the world but I can’t seem to admit it to you. I’ve managed to go through a month and a half without any contact. In that time, I’ve gotten closer to reaching my dreams, I traveled to another continent, and another boy managed to make me laugh.

But still, I find that I miss you sometimes. Sometimes I’ll be driving while singing a song on the radio, and I’ll remember what your voice sounded like singing it, too. When I go to the grocery store and stare blankly at the shelves, I remember when you use to hug me from behind as we picked out our dinner.

To be honest, it kills me that I miss you. Because to be even more honest, I have cried less away from you than I did…

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A quiet memory

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The crumbly dirt cliff by the river in the park
Santi and Rebecca left
But we stayed
And we made out for the first time
I got dirt everywhere
And a root kept jabbing my hip
And my arm started shaking from holding myself up
Until I got on top
And my hair was everywhere
And so was the dirt
And it was kind of cold, because it was barely spring.
But I didn’t care, because I was with you.

The time at the park river when we climbed on all the roots of the old trees and then the pipes
But I was too scared, so you helped me the whole way
Because I’m a clutz, and you kind of think that’s cute.
I’m quiet and awkward
But it’s nice to be with you
And I feel closer to you
Because you tell me stories of when you were younger
And then we sit on a tree by the river and kiss
Until we go to meet Rebecca and Santiago
And sit in the dark
Throwing dirt clumps into the water

25 Most Swoon-Wort​hy Quotes from Literature

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25 Most Swoon-Wort​hy Quotes from Literature

lillyjane96:

I love this so much.

Originally posted on The Fickle Heartbeat:

25 Most Swoon Wort​hy Quotes from Literature

A beautiful feature post by Single Strides.

Our dreams of what romance should feel like all stem from the imagination and reality of the most notable writers. In order for us to fathom such an expectation… the greatest love stories had to be told. The truth of love had to be shared so everyone’s heart would know what possibilities fate holds. Through these words we swoon and we dream. We fall in love with the idea of love and know one day we’ll find it outside of published pages.

So for the loved and the loveless, these are the greatest strands of literature that I find ignite our hope and knowledge of love. For the loved, do not take for granted the truth that lies between these syllables. For the loveless, do not give up on the imminent destiny that follows you. Because if our hearts could speak…

***

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The Christian Cowboy

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On move in day of college, I was nervous, scared, excited, anxious. I wanted people to like me, I wanted my first impression to count, I wanted to meet people that I could be friends with. So I introduced myself to everyone, remembered names, and actually went out of my way to spend time with people- even on other floors.
Well, I’m not sure how well it worked out for me because I don’t have any new friends except Cody, a boy on my floor. He’s Christian, he lives on a farm, he wants a big truck, reads the bible, prays out loud, and listens to country music all day long.
Also, he has a major crush on me.
This isn’t one of those times where I’m full of myself and I assume that anybody who is friendly to me likes me. He’s made it painfully obvious in everything he does and says. Plus he wants to spend every single minute of the day with me, even though all I do is homework or go out to be with friends and make bad decisions. Regardless, he pushes himself into my life and although it’s a little annoying after a while and awkward because I have to try really hard not to lead him on, I do appreciate his friendship. He’s a really wholesome guy.
Honestly that may be a giant reason why I’m not attracted to him. Because I’m not really religious, I drink, I have sex. Heck, I went to a frat party by myself, got drunk, and went to some guy’s house to make out with him before realizing maybe I’m making a bad decision and driving to Darions house… And doing things there that could also be considered to be bad decisions (note, driving was also a bad decision, I was kind of drunk.) Cody on the other hand, does not smoke or drink, is a virgin, and has never been in a relationship before. Ever. He’s never even been on any dates, before college. He had this 8-day “relationship” here with a girl named Steph, but she told him that they were too different and he was smothering her and she didn’t really want a relationship with him. Ouch. Poor Cody.
He also took me on a date, that sneaky cowboy. We were doing homework one day (as usual) and he says, “Wanna take a break and go do something?” Naturally, I agreed because I DID want a break from electron configurations and periodic trends of electro negativity. So we ate lunch and saw a movie. He didn’t let me pay, and afterwards all my friends asked about my date with the Christian Cowboy. And I realized, “crap. That was a date.”
And then last night he invited himself to go cruising with me and santi, and he talked about how he thought it was so cool that I introduced myself to his parents (on move in day, I was trying to get to know people…)…
Wait…
Then he asked me to go to the lake and go camping with him and his family…
Woah hold up.
Because he thinks I’m a great girl with a bubbly personality and I’m really pretty and he thinks it would be loads of fun.
So I had to reject him… Again…
But I stay friendly because he’s my only friend here besides my high school friends, and I do like having someone to talk to.
And that’s how you get caught in the “I don’t want to be your girlfriend, can’t we just be friends without breaking your heart” zone.

I feel like video this is me and Cody in some awkward, reversed way.
http://youtu.be/3umaLe37-LE

Hello lovelies :)
I’m not sure if you even read this far because Cody the Christian cowboy isn’t very exciting :p he’s just someone who likes me and I’m afraid I going to end up hurting him.
Today I have my first Symphony Orchestra concert and I think I’m supposed to be nervous. But I’m not.
I bought my first ever pair of sweat pants the other day with money I should use for my phone bill, and I am loving them. Bazill let me wear his at a party at his house a few weeks ago and I had to get them. I am no longer a sweatpants virgin. There’s one “first” Darion didn’t give me :p
Anyway, thanks for reading lovelies :D
I’ll see your sexy faces next time!

The Silent Air Battle of NTT611

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I love this movie and this song ^_^ plus it fits so… Enjoy!

http://youtu.be/ZSS5dEeMX64

I wake up shivering. She isn’t here, but she left the air conditioner on high again. I turn the dial down a little towards warm, so the air is still cold but not frigid. I leave for class, hangout with friends, and return when she is sleeping. The window is open but I silently get into bed, trying not to wake her up. I wake up shivering. The cycle repeats, and I realize what’s going on between us. I call it: the silent air battle of NTT611.
Lovelies, I haven’t spoken to you much about college. I’m currently failing biology which is incredibly disheartening, especially considering that’s half of my major… I have widened my social spectrum and opened myself up (hopefully you aren’t taking that literally or sexually) to new people, and so I spend all of my not-study-time going out with friends or staying in with different friends. College is really great. Having a roommate is something to adapt to though, and I’m not quite adapted yet.
My roommate is this adorable Chinese girl named Chenxi. She’s SUPER friendly and kind of weird in a really cute way. I don’t know how else to describe her, she’s little, Asian, and cute. It’s sort of hard to talk to her because of the fact that she’s still learning English but she’s super nice so it’s okay. We aren’t in the same place very often because she has early classes and I go out a lot.
Anyway, our cultures are so different that it makes it kind of hard to share a room with her. Also because I’m a little OCD with things but I’m trying not to be. For example, every single time it rains, Chenxi opens the window for about 12 hours to refresh the air because it’s beneficial to your health. And she has a water bubbler hot pot (a tea pot) and she boils water at night so she will have hot water to drink the next day because cold water is bad for your intestines. And she turns the air conditioner all the way to cold and high when she sleeps so I wake up shivering.
I can deal with it all because I don’t want to be rude and anal about everything. But opening the window makes our room really humid and I hate being cold, especially waking up cold. So… When she leaves I close the window and turn the air down.
That’s not so bad is it? It’s not really passive aggressive because I’m being passive and then politely changing it. Not aggressive. Right?
I feel bad because I keep coming home super late when she’s sleeping. I feel like a bad roommate… But honestly, I’m glad Chenxis my roommate. She’s sweet and our problems could be a lot worse than a silent cycle of windows and air conditioners. And I never remember to talk about the things that bother me until she’s sleeping or gone. So for now, this silent AC battle with probably continue for a while.

Thanks for reading lovelies :) I think I’m going to try (again) to post more frequently even though I’m getting busy with school again.
I’ll see your sexy faces next time!

College

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It’s becoming independent.
You have to work and pay for yourself
You have to wake up and motivate yourself
You have to remember when to eat and do homework and see your family
You realize you spend far too much time with your friends and far too little time with your family
Or vice versa
Or you realize you don’t have many friends.
Or all three, depending on the day.

And it’s constantly being surrounded by people.
It’s finding parties when you want to party.
Or chatting and sipping coffee if you want.
Or playing board games and watching chick flicks if you want.
It’s closing your door and laying in bed and listening to music if you want.
It’s going out of town at midnight on a school night because you feel like it.
It’s doing whatever you want, whenever you want.

It’s eating whenever you want
And showering at midnight
And going out and not coming back until 10AM
And doing laundry at 5am
Because that’s how you work with schedules.
And because you can.

College is so different lovelies. It is wonderful and liberating and I love it. Because you just do whatever you want to do to make yourself happy and succeed in life. Maybe. Unless you’re me. I like to put myself in situations that remind me of heartbreak, because I like the fun hanging out with people brings. I like to fall behind in homework, because I work too hard in certain areas and not enough in others. I like to stress myself out and do homework until 2 or 3 am and be exhausted all day but hangout with friends anyway.
I love everything, even if I need to work on priorities.
I am currently 7 chapters behind in reading and annotating my honors biology book.
I have to find and read and write a critique over a separate biology book of my choice.
I finished 2 modules of my online chemistry early, but then took a quiz and my progress went backwards. So now I’m behind instead of ahead.
I have a paper to write over a rap playlist but that requires time to listen to a rap playlist.
And I have no motivation to do anything.
I don’t want to complain, lovelies. But I used to be an honors student. What happened to me?
Anyway. College is great and so much better than high school :)

Almost Lover

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Lovelies, I’m not over him.
Everything is so hard. I have tried talking to him and pretending everything is okay.
I’ve tried talking to him about how things aren’t okay.
I’ve tried not talking to him.
I don’t think I’m ever going to get over him. I don’t think you ever get over someone that you’ve loved and lost. I think you just learn to get used to it and forget a little so you can deal with it.
Every single lyric in this song explains how I feel, brings back memories that cut deep.
I’ve notice that the happy memories cut the deepest.

http://youtu.be/I_S_TbD1XFM

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images

You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you’d want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images

And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you’d never ever forget these images, no

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you’d want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you’re gone and I’m haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

the other side.

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lillyjane96:

I just really like this :)

Originally posted on Young & Twenty:

The less they give the more you want and the farther they are, the closer you get. You can’t seem to understand balance. That life is about finding someone to sit on the other side of the teeter tooter. Someone who you can trust, that won’t let you fall. Someone who will lift you up or help you down but won’t let go.

But in case that seat’s empty, when you’re walking past the park, remember balance is the ability to stand on your own. Balance is a bike ride, forcing you to move forward to stay upright. To understand balance is to finally understand the ability to hold on, or let go, but not fall down.

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