A quiet memory


The crumbly dirt cliff by the river in the park
Santi and Rebecca left
But we stayed
And we made out for the first time
I got dirt everywhere
And a root kept jabbing my hip
And my arm started shaking from holding myself up
Until I got on top
And my hair was everywhere
And so was the dirt
And it was kind of cold, because it was barely spring.
But I didn’t care, because I was with you.

The time at the park river when we climbed on all the roots of the old trees and then the pipes
But I was too scared, so you helped me the whole way
Because I’m a clutz, and you kind of think that’s cute.
I’m quiet and awkward
But it’s nice to be with you
And I feel closer to you
Because you tell me stories of when you were younger
And then we sit on a tree by the river and kiss
Until we go to meet Rebecca and Santiago
And sit in the dark
Throwing dirt clumps into the water

25 Most Swoon-Wort​hy Quotes from Literature

25 Most Swoon-Wort​hy Quotes from Literature


I love this so much.

Originally posted on The Fickle Heartbeat:

25 Most Swoon Wort​hy Quotes from Literature

A beautiful feature post by Single Strides.

Our dreams of what romance should feel like all stem from the imagination and reality of the most notable writers. In order for us to fathom such an expectation… the greatest love stories had to be told. The truth of love had to be shared so everyone’s heart would know what possibilities fate holds. Through these words we swoon and we dream. We fall in love with the idea of love and know one day we’ll find it outside of published pages.

So for the loved and the loveless, these are the greatest strands of literature that I find ignite our hope and knowledge of love. For the loved, do not take for granted the truth that lies between these syllables. For the loveless, do not give up on the imminent destiny that follows you. Because if our hearts could speak…


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The Christian Cowboy


On move in day of college, I was nervous, scared, excited, anxious. I wanted people to like me, I wanted my first impression to count, I wanted to meet people that I could be friends with. So I introduced myself to everyone, remembered names, and actually went out of my way to spend time with people- even on other floors.
Well, I’m not sure how well it worked out for me because I don’t have any new friends except Cody, a boy on my floor. He’s Christian, he lives on a farm, he wants a big truck, reads the bible, prays out loud, and listens to country music all day long.
Also, he has a major crush on me.
This isn’t one of those times where I’m full of myself and I assume that anybody who is friendly to me likes me. He’s made it painfully obvious in everything he does and says. Plus he wants to spend every single minute of the day with me, even though all I do is homework or go out to be with friends and make bad decisions. Regardless, he pushes himself into my life and although it’s a little annoying after a while and awkward because I have to try really hard not to lead him on, I do appreciate his friendship. He’s a really wholesome guy.
Honestly that may be a giant reason why I’m not attracted to him. Because I’m not really religious, I drink, I have sex. Heck, I went to a frat party by myself, got drunk, and went to some guy’s house to make out with him before realizing maybe I’m making a bad decision and driving to Darions house… And doing things there that could also be considered to be bad decisions (note, driving was also a bad decision, I was kind of drunk.) Cody on the other hand, does not smoke or drink, is a virgin, and has never been in a relationship before. Ever. He’s never even been on any dates, before college. He had this 8-day “relationship” here with a girl named Steph, but she told him that they were too different and he was smothering her and she didn’t really want a relationship with him. Ouch. Poor Cody.
He also took me on a date, that sneaky cowboy. We were doing homework one day (as usual) and he says, “Wanna take a break and go do something?” Naturally, I agreed because I DID want a break from electron configurations and periodic trends of electro negativity. So we ate lunch and saw a movie. He didn’t let me pay, and afterwards all my friends asked about my date with the Christian Cowboy. And I realized, “crap. That was a date.”
And then last night he invited himself to go cruising with me and santi, and he talked about how he thought it was so cool that I introduced myself to his parents (on move in day, I was trying to get to know people…)…
Then he asked me to go to the lake and go camping with him and his family…
Woah hold up.
Because he thinks I’m a great girl with a bubbly personality and I’m really pretty and he thinks it would be loads of fun.
So I had to reject him… Again…
But I stay friendly because he’s my only friend here besides my high school friends, and I do like having someone to talk to.
And that’s how you get caught in the “I don’t want to be your girlfriend, can’t we just be friends without breaking your heart” zone.

I feel like video this is me and Cody in some awkward, reversed way.

Hello lovelies :)
I’m not sure if you even read this far because Cody the Christian cowboy isn’t very exciting :p he’s just someone who likes me and I’m afraid I going to end up hurting him.
Today I have my first Symphony Orchestra concert and I think I’m supposed to be nervous. But I’m not.
I bought my first ever pair of sweat pants the other day with money I should use for my phone bill, and I am loving them. Bazill let me wear his at a party at his house a few weeks ago and I had to get them. I am no longer a sweatpants virgin. There’s one “first” Darion didn’t give me :p
Anyway, thanks for reading lovelies :D
I’ll see your sexy faces next time!

The Silent Air Battle of NTT611


I love this movie and this song ^_^ plus it fits so… Enjoy!


I wake up shivering. She isn’t here, but she left the air conditioner on high again. I turn the dial down a little towards warm, so the air is still cold but not frigid. I leave for class, hangout with friends, and return when she is sleeping. The window is open but I silently get into bed, trying not to wake her up. I wake up shivering. The cycle repeats, and I realize what’s going on between us. I call it: the silent air battle of NTT611.
Lovelies, I haven’t spoken to you much about college. I’m currently failing biology which is incredibly disheartening, especially considering that’s half of my major… I have widened my social spectrum and opened myself up (hopefully you aren’t taking that literally or sexually) to new people, and so I spend all of my not-study-time going out with friends or staying in with different friends. College is really great. Having a roommate is something to adapt to though, and I’m not quite adapted yet.
My roommate is this adorable Chinese girl named Chenxi. She’s SUPER friendly and kind of weird in a really cute way. I don’t know how else to describe her, she’s little, Asian, and cute. It’s sort of hard to talk to her because of the fact that she’s still learning English but she’s super nice so it’s okay. We aren’t in the same place very often because she has early classes and I go out a lot.
Anyway, our cultures are so different that it makes it kind of hard to share a room with her. Also because I’m a little OCD with things but I’m trying not to be. For example, every single time it rains, Chenxi opens the window for about 12 hours to refresh the air because it’s beneficial to your health. And she has a water bubbler hot pot (a tea pot) and she boils water at night so she will have hot water to drink the next day because cold water is bad for your intestines. And she turns the air conditioner all the way to cold and high when she sleeps so I wake up shivering.
I can deal with it all because I don’t want to be rude and anal about everything. But opening the window makes our room really humid and I hate being cold, especially waking up cold. So… When she leaves I close the window and turn the air down.
That’s not so bad is it? It’s not really passive aggressive because I’m being passive and then politely changing it. Not aggressive. Right?
I feel bad because I keep coming home super late when she’s sleeping. I feel like a bad roommate… But honestly, I’m glad Chenxis my roommate. She’s sweet and our problems could be a lot worse than a silent cycle of windows and air conditioners. And I never remember to talk about the things that bother me until she’s sleeping or gone. So for now, this silent AC battle with probably continue for a while.

Thanks for reading lovelies :) I think I’m going to try (again) to post more frequently even though I’m getting busy with school again.
I’ll see your sexy faces next time!



It’s becoming independent.
You have to work and pay for yourself
You have to wake up and motivate yourself
You have to remember when to eat and do homework and see your family
You realize you spend far too much time with your friends and far too little time with your family
Or vice versa
Or you realize you don’t have many friends.
Or all three, depending on the day.

And it’s constantly being surrounded by people.
It’s finding parties when you want to party.
Or chatting and sipping coffee if you want.
Or playing board games and watching chick flicks if you want.
It’s closing your door and laying in bed and listening to music if you want.
It’s going out of town at midnight on a school night because you feel like it.
It’s doing whatever you want, whenever you want.

It’s eating whenever you want
And showering at midnight
And going out and not coming back until 10AM
And doing laundry at 5am
Because that’s how you work with schedules.
And because you can.

College is so different lovelies. It is wonderful and liberating and I love it. Because you just do whatever you want to do to make yourself happy and succeed in life. Maybe. Unless you’re me. I like to put myself in situations that remind me of heartbreak, because I like the fun hanging out with people brings. I like to fall behind in homework, because I work too hard in certain areas and not enough in others. I like to stress myself out and do homework until 2 or 3 am and be exhausted all day but hangout with friends anyway.
I love everything, even if I need to work on priorities.
I am currently 7 chapters behind in reading and annotating my honors biology book.
I have to find and read and write a critique over a separate biology book of my choice.
I finished 2 modules of my online chemistry early, but then took a quiz and my progress went backwards. So now I’m behind instead of ahead.
I have a paper to write over a rap playlist but that requires time to listen to a rap playlist.
And I have no motivation to do anything.
I don’t want to complain, lovelies. But I used to be an honors student. What happened to me?
Anyway. College is great and so much better than high school :)

Almost Lover


Lovelies, I’m not over him.
Everything is so hard. I have tried talking to him and pretending everything is okay.
I’ve tried talking to him about how things aren’t okay.
I’ve tried not talking to him.
I don’t think I’m ever going to get over him. I don’t think you ever get over someone that you’ve loved and lost. I think you just learn to get used to it and forget a little so you can deal with it.
Every single lyric in this song explains how I feel, brings back memories that cut deep.
I’ve notice that the happy memories cut the deepest.


Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind

You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you’d want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me

And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you’d never ever forget these images, no

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you’d want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you’re gone and I’m haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

the other side.



I just really like this :)

Originally posted on Young & Twenty:

The less they give the more you want and the farther they are, the closer you get. You can’t seem to understand balance. That life is about finding someone to sit on the other side of the teeter tooter. Someone who you can trust, that won’t let you fall. Someone who will lift you up or help you down but won’t let go.

But in case that seat’s empty, when you’re walking past the park, remember balance is the ability to stand on your own. Balance is a bike ride, forcing you to move forward to stay upright. To understand balance is to finally understand the ability to hold on, or let go, but not fall down.

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When you clean up a car crash, shards of broken glass still remain.


He never told me directly.
Without even saying the words
“I love you”
That implicit statement
Was enough
To take my heart.

He never told me directly.
Without even saying the words
“It’s over”
That implicit statement
Was enough
To break my heart.

It’s just a poem, lovelies.
It’s all true of course.
But I’m getting over him, I promise.
Really. There’s just a few cuts left from my car crash, and I’m slowly picking out the broken glass.
And I keep making stupid mistakes and keeping little shards of glass because I think the way they sparkle in the light is pretty.
It’s time to accept that these shiny shards of broken glass are still sharp and cut every time I try to touch them again.

I think it’s time I came back to the blogging world. I’ve missed out on telling you everything that’s happening. I’m sure you’re disappointed in me, and you’ll be even more disappointed when you hear what I’ve been doing. But I promise to explain more soon. I’ll see your sexy faces next time :)

You Get Used to It


It’s strange how easy it is to get used to being loved. When you find somebody who treats you like you mean so much to them, like they really do care about you. And they never want you to be unhappy and it feels so good to be with them and they are always on your mind because it makes your thoughts taste sweet and your memories smell irresistible. And then it’s gone. And it’s the worst thing in the world. Because all you want, out of anything at all, is for them to be next to you or to hear their voice or for them to say “I love you”. It’s the silent nights that are the most deafening. When I’m staying up till ungodly hours at night, but not because I’m talking to him. Not because my reality is finally as good as my dreams, but because I’m avoiding my dreams. Because he might be there, and I might be happy for a few moments before I wake up. Then the truth wraps around me and squeezes until it feels like I can’t breathe, but it’s not my lungs that’s choking- it’s my heart. And waiting for a text- any text. Not even anything kind of special, like those “Goodnight Em, sweet dreams” messages he used to send me every night. Just something to know that maybe he’s thinking about me too. But the truth is, he’s probably not. Wishing the phone would ring, and I could hear his voice again, his smooth vanilla-y voice the last thing I hear before I fall asleep. But knowing that won’t happen. Not anymore. Wishing you could have just one more day, to remember how it feels to be held so close; to lay on his chest and hear the symphony of his life: the steady beat of his heart and quiet melody of his breathing; to feel his breath on my neck, to hear him whisper “I love you”. You get used to being loved, and I guess you must get used to losing it, too.

“” I can’t choose a quote. Every word </3

Hey there, Lovelies. Another day, another post about Darion. I guess I shouldn’t be so sad because he was never mine, and what we had was basically a fling. But I guess I let myself get too close because this is how I feel right now, and I was afraid to post it because it makes me feel clingy and over-attached and I’m afraid that will push him farther away. But I think I can trust you lovelies <3 Thanks for reading, I hope to see your sexy faces again soon :)

I Have Always Hated Rollercoasters


Kevin Hart is me.

Rollercoasters. For some, that word brings visions of excitement and exhilarating thrills, happy memories and fun times. For me, it brings terror.

There is nothing good about sitting in a rickety little car and dropping at high speeds or rolling on a track backwards and upside down. Not even the slow, bumpy ride to the top of the hill is okay. It is not, as some would say, exciting. It is suspenseful and stressful and all you can think about is how soon the only thing you will know is fear and feeling like you are about to die and that’s it. Up’s and Down’s are just not good for me, okay?

“Up”s are suspenseful and stressful, because all you can think about is the drop that is coming up and your entire ride is filled with fear and doubt because there’s nowhere to go but down once you get to the top. Or, you trust the smooth ride and the steady clicking, and you think “okay, I can handle this. It’s actually kind of nice to lay back and look at this nice blue sky around me. Hey, the view from up here is amazing. I could get used to this.”
And then comes the horrifying drop.

“Down”s, obviously, are worse. You can expect and try to prepare for them. It doesn’t make a whole lot of difference, because even when you know it’s coming, you still cant stop the terror and feeling like you will die and you can’t hold back the scream and it doesn’t matter what you do.
What’s worse is when there’s a sudden drop- those ones you don’t see coming. Sure, you get to enjoy the ‘up’ because you don’t even know anything is about to happen. But then the floor disappears from underneath you and all you can think is “Oh god, this is it”. All of the good times disappear and you are flailing for anything to hold onto and screaming for help.

Basically that’s me on the whole ride. I’m already flailing and screaming as soon as you try to strap me into the thing.
Lovelies, I’m sure you are wondering why I am babbling about rollercoasters. Everybody knows what it’s like to ride on a rollercoaster, and anybody who’s anybody absolutely loves the thrill. Basically, all I’m doing is confessing a childish fixation against amusement park rides, right?
Well apparently yes. But actually, I wanted to say this: relationships are the same way.

Every relationship has its ups and downs. The rules of Ups and Downs still apply, more than ever. Some rides are slower than others, some have less drops or lots of ups and just a few downs. Sometimes, a giant suspenseful ride to the top doesn’t mean a long deadly drop. Sometimes life tricks you.

My relationship with Darion is so full of ups and downs, it’s insane. Ever since I came to Washington, my rollercoaster went into a dark tunnel. Each day is filled with bumps and drops that I never see coming. I never know whether I’m on an up or a down, because sometimes I feel like I’m falling when actually I’m still on the ride up. It’s really confusing honestly. A few days ago, I though my ride was almost over, and I started that final giant drop that I knew was coming since I gave this ride a chance and strapped myself in. Right now, I’m kind of suspended. I’m in a flat area between rises and drops, still wondering if that drop was really as bad as I thought it was.
Hopefully, my return to Kansas will fix everything. The drops that I thought were there could turn out to be nothing, and the drop that I know is at the end of this ride might come into view, or turn out to be already passed. Maybe that was the horrible feeling I felt a few days ago.


Alright, so my incredibly long, drawn-out analogy is over, but I still feel like I did a crappy job of explaining what’s happening with Darion.
Well basically we both know things are ending and it’s really tearing me apart. I almost posted three incredibly depressing posts about how I was feeling, but I’m still not even sure if those feelings were justifiable… so right now, everything is on ‘pause’ until me and Darion can finally talk and figure things out.

Anyway, lovelies. This post was not quite as well-thought-out as I intended, but thanks for reading anyway :) I shall see your sexy faces next time!