College

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It’s becoming independent.
You have to work and pay for yourself
You have to wake up and motivate yourself
You have to remember when to eat and do homework and see your family
You realize you spend far too much time with your friends and far too little time with your family
Or vice versa
Or you realize you don’t have many friends.
Or all three, depending on the day.

And it’s constantly being surrounded by people.
It’s finding parties when you want to party.
Or chatting and sipping coffee if you want.
Or playing board games and watching chick flicks if you want.
It’s closing your door and laying in bed and listening to music if you want.
It’s going out of town at midnight on a school night because you feel like it.
It’s doing whatever you want, whenever you want.

It’s eating whenever you want
And showering at midnight
And going out and not coming back until 10AM
And doing laundry at 5am
Because that’s how you work with schedules.
And because you can.

College is so different lovelies. It is wonderful and liberating and I love it. Because you just do whatever you want to do to make yourself happy and succeed in life. Maybe. Unless you’re me. I like to put myself in situations that remind me of heartbreak, because I like the fun hanging out with people brings. I like to fall behind in homework, because I work too hard in certain areas and not enough in others. I like to stress myself out and do homework until 2 or 3 am and be exhausted all day but hangout with friends anyway.
I love everything, even if I need to work on priorities.
I am currently 7 chapters behind in reading and annotating my honors biology book.
I have to find and read and write a critique over a separate biology book of my choice.
I finished 2 modules of my online chemistry early, but then took a quiz and my progress went backwards. So now I’m behind instead of ahead.
I have a paper to write over a rap playlist but that requires time to listen to a rap playlist.
And I have no motivation to do anything.
I don’t want to complain, lovelies. But I used to be an honors student. What happened to me?
Anyway. College is great and so much better than high school :)

Almost Lover

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Lovelies, I’m not over him.
Everything is so hard. I have tried talking to him and pretending everything is okay.
I’ve tried talking to him about how things aren’t okay.
I’ve tried not talking to him.
I don’t think I’m ever going to get over him. I don’t think you ever get over someone that you’ve loved and lost. I think you just learn to get used to it and forget a little so you can deal with it.
Every single lyric in this song explains how I feel, brings back memories that cut deep.
I’ve notice that the happy memories cut the deepest.

http://youtu.be/I_S_TbD1XFM

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images

You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you’d want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images

And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you’d never ever forget these images, no

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you’d want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you’re gone and I’m haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

the other side.

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lillyjane96:

I just really like this :)

Originally posted on Young & Twenty:

The less they give the more you want and the farther they are, the closer you get. You can’t seem to understand balance. That life is about finding someone to sit on the other side of the teeter tooter. Someone who you can trust, that won’t let you fall. Someone who will lift you up or help you down but won’t let go.

But in case that seat’s empty, when you’re walking past the park, remember balance is the ability to stand on your own. Balance is a bike ride, forcing you to move forward to stay upright. To understand balance is to finally understand the ability to hold on, or let go, but not fall down.

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When you clean up a car crash, shards of broken glass still remain.

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He never told me directly.
Without even saying the words
“I love you”
That implicit statement
Was enough
To take my heart.

He never told me directly.
Without even saying the words
“It’s over”
That implicit statement
Was enough
To break my heart.

It’s just a poem, lovelies.
It’s all true of course.
But I’m getting over him, I promise.
Really. There’s just a few cuts left from my car crash, and I’m slowly picking out the broken glass.
And I keep making stupid mistakes and keeping little shards of glass because I think the way they sparkle in the light is pretty.
It’s time to accept that these shiny shards of broken glass are still sharp and cut every time I try to touch them again.

I think it’s time I came back to the blogging world. I’ve missed out on telling you everything that’s happening. I’m sure you’re disappointed in me, and you’ll be even more disappointed when you hear what I’ve been doing. But I promise to explain more soon. I’ll see your sexy faces next time :)

You Get Used to It

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It’s strange how easy it is to get used to being loved. When you find somebody who treats you like you mean so much to them, like they really do care about you. And they never want you to be unhappy and it feels so good to be with them and they are always on your mind because it makes your thoughts taste sweet and your memories smell irresistible. And then it’s gone. And it’s the worst thing in the world. Because all you want, out of anything at all, is for them to be next to you or to hear their voice or for them to say “I love you”. It’s the silent nights that are the most deafening. When I’m staying up till ungodly hours at night, but not because I’m talking to him. Not because my reality is finally as good as my dreams, but because I’m avoiding my dreams. Because he might be there, and I might be happy for a few moments before I wake up. Then the truth wraps around me and squeezes until it feels like I can’t breathe, but it’s not my lungs that’s choking- it’s my heart. And waiting for a text- any text. Not even anything kind of special, like those “Goodnight Em, sweet dreams” messages he used to send me every night. Just something to know that maybe he’s thinking about me too. But the truth is, he’s probably not. Wishing the phone would ring, and I could hear his voice again, his smooth vanilla-y voice the last thing I hear before I fall asleep. But knowing that won’t happen. Not anymore. Wishing you could have just one more day, to remember how it feels to be held so close; to lay on his chest and hear the symphony of his life: the steady beat of his heart and quiet melody of his breathing; to feel his breath on my neck, to hear him whisper “I love you”. You get used to being loved, and I guess you must get used to losing it, too.


“” I can’t choose a quote. Every word </3

Hey there, Lovelies. Another day, another post about Darion. I guess I shouldn’t be so sad because he was never mine, and what we had was basically a fling. But I guess I let myself get too close because this is how I feel right now, and I was afraid to post it because it makes me feel clingy and over-attached and I’m afraid that will push him farther away. But I think I can trust you lovelies <3 Thanks for reading, I hope to see your sexy faces again soon :)

I Have Always Hated Rollercoasters

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Kevin Hart is me.

Rollercoasters. For some, that word brings visions of excitement and exhilarating thrills, happy memories and fun times. For me, it brings terror.

There is nothing good about sitting in a rickety little car and dropping at high speeds or rolling on a track backwards and upside down. Not even the slow, bumpy ride to the top of the hill is okay. It is not, as some would say, exciting. It is suspenseful and stressful and all you can think about is how soon the only thing you will know is fear and feeling like you are about to die and that’s it. Up’s and Down’s are just not good for me, okay?

“Up”s are suspenseful and stressful, because all you can think about is the drop that is coming up and your entire ride is filled with fear and doubt because there’s nowhere to go but down once you get to the top. Or, you trust the smooth ride and the steady clicking, and you think “okay, I can handle this. It’s actually kind of nice to lay back and look at this nice blue sky around me. Hey, the view from up here is amazing. I could get used to this.”
And then comes the horrifying drop.

“Down”s, obviously, are worse. You can expect and try to prepare for them. It doesn’t make a whole lot of difference, because even when you know it’s coming, you still cant stop the terror and feeling like you will die and you can’t hold back the scream and it doesn’t matter what you do.
What’s worse is when there’s a sudden drop- those ones you don’t see coming. Sure, you get to enjoy the ‘up’ because you don’t even know anything is about to happen. But then the floor disappears from underneath you and all you can think is “Oh god, this is it”. All of the good times disappear and you are flailing for anything to hold onto and screaming for help.

Basically that’s me on the whole ride. I’m already flailing and screaming as soon as you try to strap me into the thing.
Lovelies, I’m sure you are wondering why I am babbling about rollercoasters. Everybody knows what it’s like to ride on a rollercoaster, and anybody who’s anybody absolutely loves the thrill. Basically, all I’m doing is confessing a childish fixation against amusement park rides, right?
Well apparently yes. But actually, I wanted to say this: relationships are the same way.

Every relationship has its ups and downs. The rules of Ups and Downs still apply, more than ever. Some rides are slower than others, some have less drops or lots of ups and just a few downs. Sometimes, a giant suspenseful ride to the top doesn’t mean a long deadly drop. Sometimes life tricks you.

My relationship with Darion is so full of ups and downs, it’s insane. Ever since I came to Washington, my rollercoaster went into a dark tunnel. Each day is filled with bumps and drops that I never see coming. I never know whether I’m on an up or a down, because sometimes I feel like I’m falling when actually I’m still on the ride up. It’s really confusing honestly. A few days ago, I though my ride was almost over, and I started that final giant drop that I knew was coming since I gave this ride a chance and strapped myself in. Right now, I’m kind of suspended. I’m in a flat area between rises and drops, still wondering if that drop was really as bad as I thought it was.
Hopefully, my return to Kansas will fix everything. The drops that I thought were there could turn out to be nothing, and the drop that I know is at the end of this ride might come into view, or turn out to be already passed. Maybe that was the horrible feeling I felt a few days ago.

 

Alright, so my incredibly long, drawn-out analogy is over, but I still feel like I did a crappy job of explaining what’s happening with Darion.
Well basically we both know things are ending and it’s really tearing me apart. I almost posted three incredibly depressing posts about how I was feeling, but I’m still not even sure if those feelings were justifiable… so right now, everything is on ‘pause’ until me and Darion can finally talk and figure things out.

Anyway, lovelies. This post was not quite as well-thought-out as I intended, but thanks for reading anyway :) I shall see your sexy faces next time!

Possible Pregnancy Perturbation

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Well Lovelies, three more days and I’m home-free, headed back home to Kansas.

So much stress, so much drama. Still a lot of secrets but they don’t feel so heavy anymore.
Let’s talk about babies.

Pregnancy is really creepy to me. Seriously, the idea of anything living, growing inside of another living thing creeps me out. It’s like an alien, stealing the mother’s life force from inside, but that alien is actually made of her. That’s another thing that’s just weird to me. I’ve taken so many science classes and was forced to sit through sex ed and I know exactly how it happens down to the chemistry and anatomy of each cell that’s involved, but it still baffles me how life even exists, how life is created. Two microscopic things somehow carry the entire makeup of the living things they come from, and they just run into each other and start making another living thing.
It’s just crazy to me.

Babies are so freaking adorable and I know I want to have a couple of my own some day and have a family. I see toddlers with their parents at grocery stores and parks, I see parents playing with infants and cooing at them with their bubbly baby voices, I see kids playing in parks and I like to hear the genius things they come up with. And the parents I see always seem so happy and proud, like those kids really are their prides and joys, like nothing else in their lives matter anymore because now they have this perfect kid to take care of and watch grow into a perfect person and have a perfect life. And they know that their lives are complete, because they created this new life.

I would love to have kids, some day. But let’s be realistic here.
I don’t have a job. Or a steady relationship. Or money. I live in my parents house off of their income in a room painted green and decorated with posters and stuffed animals. I’m like a kid, except that I’m 18 and getting a job and majoring in Biochemistry and Molecular Biology.
I am going to college in a couple of weeks and I have to focus on school and work and scholarships and starting my life.
I just can’t be pregnant.

A week ago, I took a pregnancy test and it came out negative, but here I am on cycle day 49… almost 20 days late. I’m just worried. Because I am not ready for anything. I can’t even pay for another pregnancy test, how can I worry about possibly having something living and growing inside of me?

I’m going to go to the doctor when I get back to Kansas I suppose. I haven’t been to the doctor in so long I don’t even know how. I just know I need my parents’ insurance information, which means they will have to know I’m going to the doctor which means another secret I can’t keep.

Darion brought it up again today, asking about what will happen. I don’t want to talk about abortion anymore. I can’t even think about it very much, I would just feel so guilty and sad. I just hope it doesn’t come to that. If it turns out that I’m pregnant though, I would have to. A baby would turn our lives upside down.

So, lovelies. keep your fingers crossed. So far, so good but lets keep hoping.
Teenage pregnancy is a problem. Abstinence is the answer, but if you don’t like that answer, use a condom. Be smart; Be safe. yada yada. Just don’t be like me :P

I Wonder if I’ll Ever Know the Truth

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I want to believe that everything I felt was true. I want to believe that you loved me and maybe you still love me. But after everything recently… I’m forced to wonder.
How much of this was a lie?

Was I just a play toy? I know I’ve always been a side chick, but you said I meant more than that. You said you cared about me. That you loved me.

And what about when I told you I was afraid of what we had fading or changing because of my month away? When you told me not to worry because you would still love me. You assured me that goodbye wasn’t really goodbye.

That last night, did you think it was really goodbye?
When I said goodbye, and you told me it wasn’t the end, it’s not really goodbye because I would be coming back to you in a month. Did you think it was the beginning of the end then?
Were you just trying to make me feel better, to temporarily stop the tears and the pain? Or did I actually still matter to you then…

And everything after that, the texts, the calls. Did they actually mean anything? Were those just part of the act, too?
Or did all of these things mean what I thought they meant at the time… did you actually mean those things and I’m doubting for no reason? Am I making this all up? Because I really feel lied to.

I guess you’ve finally given up the act or you finally got bored with me. You suddenly stopped playing along.

I didn’t want to cause any problems by telling you those things. I was trying to be open and honest. But suddenly when you told me you thought me coming here was the beginning of the end, everything changed and now I feel like you think it’s the end, right now. This is it. And I don’t even get to see you, hear your voice.

You’ve always wondered why it’s so hard for me to open up and say what I’m thinking. Well, this is it.
Because when I say what I’m thinking, it ends up being true.

This Could be the end

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Betrayed, Lied to, Over attached, Clingy, Obsessive, Delusional.

I don’t know whether it was him or me to make me feel like this. But suddenly nothing feels right.
And I have less than a week left before going back. Back to him, back to home. Back to the stress of trying to get my life started.
Less than a week to keep everything held together, to keep the illusion alive.

I asked him about the thing my sister told me- that she heard that he told somebody that he was done with me. That I didn’t mater. He assured me that he didn’t say that, but that he did tell somebody that we didn’t actually have anything between us because my coming to Washington was the beginning of the end.
Which I was afraid of since before I left, but also which made me realize… this may be the end.

I asked him why, if he thought it was the end, why keep acting like it wasn’t?
He says he knew it should end, but that he didn’t want it to end.
And he apologized a whole lot, saying he never wanted to hurt me.

But, that’s how it’s been since day one. Both of us knew this doesn’t work. It’s basically just a ticking time bomb. We both know it’ll explode, and we both know somebody is going to get hurt, and that somebody is probably going to be me. But instead of trying to defuse the bomb, or trying to find protection, I embraced it. I held it in both of my hands, close to my heart because I liked the way it felt to hold something. I looked away from the clock, because I wanted to enjoy this beautiful catastrophe before it all exploded. Now, I guess we are running out of time. I just can’t tell if the bomb has already fizzled out or if it’s all about to explode.

He told me he’s probably going to call off the break sooner or later.
Well sure, hasn’t that been a possibility this whole time? The break never really made sense to me anyway. Was that him trying to tell me to take a hint, he just wants to go back to his girlfriend?

I mean, there’s a possibility that this was just us talking about how we feel, and I’m blowing things out of proportion and over-thinking everything like the obsessive side chick I have been since day one.
But today when I confessed my feelings of loneliness or wanting to cuddle, he just brushed it off, instead of joining in or comforting me. When I reminded him that I had less than a week left and then I would be home after telling him I missed him, he just said “Very true” and changed the subject.
I guess I should take a hint and leave him alone. I guess I’m being obsessive and I should stop hoping for anything else. I guess I should stop trying to find proof that he still feels the same way about me. 

I just wish this all happened differently, because the only communication I’ve had with him is through texting. I haven’t heard his voice for a week. I haven’t seen his face in even longer. I haven’t felt his body next to mine or his arms around me in a month.
And I don’t know if I ever will again.

Reblog: Desperation

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Reblog: Desperation

Originally posted on The Fickle Heartbeat:

desperation

Shared by tothemoonandback.

When was the last time you didn’t do something because you were afraid of the reaction you would receive? How many times have you regretted something because it made you feel embarrassed, humiliated, or foolish? How bout this – when was the last time you did something, and even with a little doubt in your mind said to yourself “I don’t give a damn what anyone has to say about it, this is my decision”? I encourage you to mull over these questions. I don’t know if what I’m about to talk about is more prevalent during teenage hood or if it spreads just as widely over the adult population, but I am a hundred percent certain that regardless of its prevalence, it’s an issue. We, as a society based around social media, technology, and the latest gizmos, are complicating the simplicity I so desperately long for.

He didn’t…

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