I haven’t really been gone, lovelies. I’ve been here, trying desperately to post but never quite making it. I have many, many drafts that I almost posted, but something just never worked. But here I am, finally back with some material evidence for you; the un-posted posts, here for you. They may not mean much to you, but they go pretty deep. Here they are, in reverse order.
All the Wrong Places
Just Looking for Love
Apparently I’ve Changed
He Gave Me Flowers
Best Friends ’till the End
Too Many Boys
School is Hard
A lot can be said when looking at these titles. I’m not sure if you can tell, but there’s been quite a few guys in my life of late. And that’s just four of them, there’s so many others… It’s hard to describe what’s been going on because overall it sort of seems like I’ve become a flirt, or worse.
My best friends don’t talk to me as much if at all anymore because I’ve changed too much for them.
I’ve broken a few hearts and snagged a few more.
I drove to Manhattan, Kansas to K-State to meet a stranger from Tinder, I drank alcohol with said stranger, and I got naked with this same stranger. I did not have sex with Sean- that’s his name. I did, however, very soon after tell him that I didn’t think we should keep seeing each other. I was his first “girlfriend” besides one highschooler that never even cuddled, and I only lasted a couple weeks of talking. He fell hard for me, but I didn’t feel a connection. I know I hurt him, bad. He was heartbroken… but isn’t it better that I cut it off quick before leading him on too much? I realize I probably should’ve figured out my feelings before getting pretty physical. But I make mistakes.
And old habits die hard, apparently. Because now I’m stuck between two guys, who I feel like I am playing because I can’t figure out the battle going on between my brain and my heart.
One is a college guy- he’s kinda nerdy (not in the book smarts nerdy but the anime watching, video game playing way), he’s really nice and makes me laugh a lot, and he’s a good listener. Also he’s a really good kisser and we make out a lot and also I may have already had sex with him. He’s kinda quirky and not very romantic or talkative and he has a complicated relationship with his ex… he kept communication open with her “just in case” something might happen again. Even though he’s the one that broke it off because they were always fighting. So she’s not really an ex, because he still has this talking with more intentions than talking thing going on with her. And he’s black, which honestly confused me at first. Okay before you go and think I’m racist, calm down. It’s not because I’m against it, I just never, ever, pictured myself with a black man. I asked my mom a few weeks ago what she would think if I dated a black guy, and she said, “It’s fine as long as you aren’t gay.” Also not the response I would like, because well what if I was gay? It shouldn’t make a difference. It makes me a little uncomfortable that dating black is just a step above being gay in her books, which apparently is very bad. But anyway, I digress.
The other is a highschool senior. He likes math and science like me, he’s directionally challenged and socially awkward like me, but he also has a great sense of humor like me too. He speaks russian and german and plays piano and ukelele and the harmonica. He is a really great gift giver and is so perfect with romantic gestures and he makes everything feel so special, he gave me my first flowers and is growing bamboo for me and physically we are taking things pretty slow which I really like. But he’s damaged and has a crazy abusive ex whom he is definitely not over, at all. I’m not going to go into that relationship, I’m just going to say that she is crazy controlling, manipulative, and mean. And it’s scarred him forever, he’s timid, afraid of doing something wrong, and even asks me permission to go to bed or do certain things. I’m trying to make him see that I’m not the same as her, that relationships aren’t supposed to be like that. But I don’t want a project, I want a relationship. I don’t want to be the rebound or the girl he uses to learn how to love again, and I’m afraid he might go back to her if she gives him a sideways glance.
So yeah, deciding between awkward romantic highschooler or mysterious sexy black guy is an ongoing battle between heart and brain, and every minute it takes for me to try to figure out my feelings is another minute I feel like I’m lying or cheating or using them.
But looking back at those titles, I also saw that I have changed. I’ve learned more about myself in the past few months than I ever did in the previous 18 years. And I think that’s a good thing. I think it’s important to know yourself before you ever try to go further and know someone else or start your life. You need a foundation of self to build your life on, if that makes sense.
And I think I’m not being slutty as it may seem to some people. Yes, I have had romantic or sexual encounters with a few boys in a small amount of time. But it’s not because I want to use them, it’s not because I just want sex. I spent a lot of time thinking about what brought the change, and it was sort of obvious to me. I am honestly just looking for love. I had love, or atleast what felt to me like love. It was the closest thing to love that I’ve ever felt, and I’m honestly not sure if I’ll ever get that close again. But without consciously deciding to do so, my broken heart decided to frantically search for something to grasp onto- beginning with cuddling (and more) with his best friends, one night stands with a boy leading to flirting with all of his friends, flirting and testing the waters with a coworker and friend, the tinder date I mentioned, almost pursuing another boy who already had a girlfriend, and the two guys I also mentioned. And a few more flirty encounters. I feel like a slut, listing all that out. But honestly, it’s more like a high-speed system to test potential relationships and if the first few checks fit, I go to the next step. If not, I move on. No need to continue something when “something” isn’t there and probably won’t ever be.
I’m like a love computer, systematically searching or love.
It’s hard to explain, but it’s just the way I think my heart was coping with the confusing using it got.
So yeah, I feel like this post was all over the place. And everything is hard to explain. But I wanted to officially be back! So it’s nice to see you again, lovelies :) I’ll see your sexy faces again soon!