A Letter For the Broken and Abused

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Dear Heartbroken,

Save yourself the time
Save yourself the tears
Save yourself the pain.
If they don’t care, then neither should you.
If they don’t care, then they aren’t worth it.
Learn from the past,
Don’t go through it again.
And if you do,
If you make that mistake again,
The mistake of trusting them,
In any way,
Remember:
You are good.
You are kind.
You are important.
And…
Though you may not know it,
You are loved.

Yeah,
I know.

Sincerely.

Hello already lovelies!
I found another one from my journals. I just wanted to share this with you. I know that a lot of people are like me; they put too much trust in the wrong people, they give too many chances, they look out for others instead of themselves. They end up blaming themselves for things that they shouldn’t, and they spend time trying to fix problems that aren’t theirs.
Well this is for them, for you.
Thanks again for reading, Lovelies :) I’ll see your sexy faces soon!

A Letter to the Condescending and Careless

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Dear You,

I hope it makes you feel good, making me feel like crap. Hope it makes you feel real powerful to see my defeat. Hope it makes you feel real victorious knowing you make me feel worthless.

I’ve been calling out to you for help, desperate for you to finally, finally, just see me. See the way I feel, understand everything I’ve been trying to tell you for way too long. But every time I think you finally might be catching on, you turn around and stab me with anything you’ve pulled out of me. I know how it goes. I know how it feels. I’ve been through it all before. But I do it again and I feel it again.

Here I am again, same place I always am. I always realize that you will never understand, that you will never really try, yet here I am again. Like you would actually care enough to open your eyes, ears, heart… I’m here again. I always seem to be here, waiting for you.

Sincerely.

Well hello lovelies!
I wrote this sometime in the beginning years of high school and I rediscovered it a few moments ago while reading through one of my (many) journals. The feels are still very real, very relevant when it comes to certain people in my life, so I’ve decided to share this with you :)
Thanks for reading, I hope to see your sexy faces again soon!

This Funeral May Kill Me

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Hello again Lovelies :)

As you may have collected from my last post, I am in New Mexico. I came to Albuquerque for my grandmothers funeral, after receiving a text from my father that she had passed away. I was at work and was planning on studying for my chemistry final, but instead I had to plan a 12 hour drive to visit my family that I haven’t seen in years for a funeral for my grandmother that I only met twice (and she was mean both times) to basically be emotional support to the family members that knew her more. I wasn’t going to come, because I had to worry about work and school, but at the same time I wanted and needed to come to be here for my family. So I came, and here I am.
I went to two Jewish ceremonies for my grandma Leah’s passing. I sat for a long time, listening to Jewish prayers and pretending to sing along to the Mourner’s Kaddish, standing and sitting on cue, trying not to draw attention to the fact that though I have a Jewish family I had absolutely no clue about what was happening. Honestly I gave up because funerals really drain you and I was exhausted, physically and mentally. I tried to ignore the old woman with the turquoise necklace and earrings as she stared at me with disapproval for not reading all of the pages in Hebrew (mostly because I do not know how to read in Hebrew…)
After the ceremony, I was supposed to stay and socialize with strangers but instead I literally hid in a closet. I looked through old pictures and read letters from 50+ years ago and was content with being antisocial. Being in large crowd, especially in uncomfortable situations, seriously drains my energy. I can literally feel my power level being sucked out of me the longer I stay around people. It’s an introvert thing, I think.
I mean, I love being social but it’s seriously taxing. I was emotionally, physically, and mentally drained even before the ceremonies, from all the stress. But then there was the nonstop socializing and activities until idle conversation became something that I literally hid from because I just needed a break.
Nobody understood why I seemed upset (whats the matter? Did you not get enough sleep? Did something happen?), and honestly it was too much to explain. I mean, my resting bitch face adds to it, but I couldn’t handle anything anymore and I just shut down. I gave up trying to convince people I was just not feeling well. I should’ve handed them a collective list of all the things contributing to my distress:
-no warning of a sudden trip for grandmothers funeral.
-confusion of not being very sad that I lost my grandmother, but being very sad for my dad and aunt for losing their mother
-no time to study for finals because need to plan trip
-no time to plan trip because need to study for finals
-taking finals
-moving out of dorms, early, which included rescheduling my checkout time and packing my entire room far before planned.
-skipping work while being very close to getting fired.
-taking random 12 hour road trip with bossy sister who literally had one job- to bring my bathroom bag that I packed, but instead spent my money on things we already had and still did not bring the bathroom necessities.
-staying in fathers rich friends house* ( and feeling completely out of place)
-going to a funeral*
-going to a reception*
-going to multiple Jewish ceremonies* (and feeling completely out of place for not being Jewish, not knowing Hebrew)
-being isolated, judged, ignored by strangers and family members alike.
***strangers, socializing, new situations
Also I am on my period so I’m emotionally unstable anyway.
I’ve had a hard few days.

Thankfully, it is now winter break and I just have to worry about saying goodbye to my family, getting back to lovely old Kansas, and hopefully doing nothing but work and miss people.
Maybe once I get home I will remember how to breathe normally again.

Thanks for reading lovelies :) I’ll see your sexy faces again soon!

I Forgot to Stay Alone

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Hello lovelies :)
We left off with me deciding to give up on boys and being alone for a while. “Let’s see how that works out,” I said.
Well, that worked out just dandy.
Excluding the last few nights, I’ve slept with Harriel every night since I got back to school basically. I mean actually sleeping, with him. Like in the same bed, cuddling, and asleep (which should be considered a sport similar to gymnastics in the dorm beds).
Not to say other things haven’t happened as well, but that’s beside the point. Sort of.
I realized that being alone is just so lonely. It’s not fun. And yeah, I can do whatever I want, but what’s worth doing without having someone special to do it with?
I also realized that it feels really, REALLY nice to cuddle up to someone and tuck your head in their neck and wrap your arms around them and be warm and utterly Comfortable. It feels perfect.
I think people were made to wrap themselves around each other. If I died next to him, I wouldn’t regret anything. Because in those moments, I feel absolutely perfect.

Problem is, now it’s hard to be alone.
We aren’t technically a thing but it sure feels like we are, and I can’t go back to being alone. It feels too good to be with him… Michael was right, Harriel makes me happy. It sort of hurts to admit it, for some reason.
I think it would do me some good to accept being alone for a while, but that’s absolutely out of the question now.
I am in New Mexico, 10 hours from him. Every night I want to be in his arms, listening to his heartbeat, feeling his fingertips on my skin and his soft steady breathing tickling my neck. I miss making stupid jokes and hearing him laugh even though he’s really tired and I’m keeping him up. I miss staring into the darkness and feeling his warmth and mine mixing, feeling my body melt into his as I drift to sleep.
It’s really hard not to see him every day and I won’t see him for a really long time, now that it’s winter break.
I didn’t realize how attached I was to him until I tried to let him let me go.

I’d like to say that I am an independent woman; I can survive without being dependent and clingy; I’m no weak hopeless romantic. However, I have definitely been lying to myself. I am a hopeless romantic; I’m addicted to feeling affection, and I love the idea of love.

Thanks for reading lovelies :) I’ll see your sexy faces next time!

I Forgot to Stay Alone

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Hello lovelies :)
We left off with me deciding to give up on boys and being alone for a while. “Let’s see how that works out,” I said.
Well, that worked out just dandy.
Excluding the last few nights, I’ve slept with Harriel every night since I got back to school basically. I mean actually sleeping, with him. Like in the same bed, cuddling, and asleep (which should be considered a sport similar to gymnastics in the dorm beds).
Not to say other things haven’t happened as well, but that’s beside the point. Sort of.
I realized that being alone is just so lonely. It’s not fun. And yeah, I can do whatever I want, but what’s worth doing without having someone special to do it with?
I also realized that it feels really, REALLY nice to cuddle up to someone and tuck your head in their neck and wrap your arms around them and be warm and utterly Comfortable. It feels perfect.
I think people were made to wrap themselves around each other. If I died next to him, I wouldn’t regret anything. Because in those moments, I feel absolutely perfect.

Problem is, now it’s hard to be alone.
We aren’t technically a thing but it sure feels like we are, and I can’t go back to being alone. It feels too good to be with him… Michael was right, Harriel makes me happy. It sort of hurts to admit it, for some reason.
I think it would do me some good to accept being alone for a while, but that’s absolutely out of the question now.
I am in New Mexico, 10 hours from him. Every night I want to be in his arms, listening to his heartbeat, feeling his fingertips on my skin and his soft steady breathing tickling my neck. I miss making stupid jokes and hearing him laugh even though he’s really tired and I’m keeping him up. I miss staring into the darkness and feeling his warmth and mine mixing, feeling my body melt into his as I drift to sleep.
It’s really hard not to see him every day and I won’t see him for a really long time, now that it’s winter break.
I didn’t realize how attached I was to him until I tried to let him let me go.

I’d like to say that I am an independent woman; I can survive without being dependent and clingy; I’m no weak hopeless romantic. However, I have definitely been lying to myself. I am a hopeless romantic; I’m addicted to feeling affection, and I love the idea of love.

Thanks for reading lovelies :) I’ll see your sexy faces next time!

To my best friend

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I still consider you my best friend, even though you don’t act like it.
Even though we don’t spend any time together, no matter how much I try to make plans.
Even though you think I’m slutty.
Even though you don’t reply to any of my texts, even the funny ones or the ones that I really need advice on.
Even though you never tell me anything about your life.
You don’t talk about your relationship or school or your family or your plans. You don’t even talk about homework anymore.
You just don’t talk to me anymore.
I can’t tell if you are deliberately ignoring me or if I just became that insignificant to you. I don’t even make an appearance in your day to day thoughts of missing your best friend family members and your soulmate while in college a thousand miles away.
But it hurts me a lot. Because I still consider you my best friend.
And I don’t think you do the same.
Best friends confide in and look out for each other.
Best friends don’t erase each other from their lives.

You could’ve told me about when you got locked out or how you miss your family or your boyfriend or how you’re obsessed with him or how you’re doing in school or what you think about your hair. You didn’t tell me about your break or his family or the freaking hookah pen or the drugs or anything.
You could try to care about when I try to tell you about my life. Or you could tell me that you don’t care so I stop trying so hard to keep communication up.
You could take a bit of time out of your visit with your one true love to spend with your best friend. Or you can at least tell me that we won’t see each other this time, or next time, or any visit times actually, so I stop hoping to see you.
I’m giving up, and that sucks.
I feel like I’ve lost part of myself because you’ve turned your back on me.

Hello again already lovelies :)
I was really really hesitant about posting this one. Because there’s a lot that’s gone unsaid, lots of pent up feelings, and its a big step for me to throw it all out there at once, but there it is.

And to you, if you’re reading this,
I’m sorry if this upsets you. I know it’s a lot of strong feelings and I hate confrontations so I haven’t said anything until now. But I had to let it out, since it’s ripping me up inside. I really hope this doesn’t make things worse, and I really hope we can be as close as ever.

Thanks for reading lovelies, I hope I see your sexy faces next time :)

Pondering Relationships Over Cold Chicken

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Hello lovelies :)

Sorry I don’t have a poem for you today. I like my poems better than my rambling posts, but this ones going to be the latter. Yes, I am eating leftover chicken tenders from KFC because I just got off work. Oh hey, there’s something you don’t know about me. I work at kfc and I hate life every day because of it. I still have coleslaw in my hair because Id rather blog than shower.

So I was telling Darion about my recent problems with boys. It’s sort of strange to me because I end up getting advice on how to fix my broken heart from the one who initially caused it. He gives the best advice sometimes.

“I think you’re looking for the end way too quickly, Ya know?”
Which made me smile because I do know. And it feels nice that he knows too, because that means he payed attention and cared at least for that moment to understand. It doesn’t feel like many people do that for me anymore. At all, actually.

And when I told him that everybody wants me to be happy, but with someone else he said:
“What makes you happy: reading, calculus, disney”
And I just wanted to say “this is why I love you”.
But that sort of goes against the point of the conversation– my boy troubles I mean.
And then he said:
“You don’t have to be with someone to be happy”
And I just wanted to hug him so hard. Like I read those words and relief washed over me.
People say it all the time but somehow it felt right coming from him.

I don’t know. It was simple, 8 second long pieces of advice that I can’t even go back and read through again because it was on snapchat, and that disappears forever according to my non-hacker intelligence. It wasn’t anything deep but it made me feel a lot better.

Basically here’s what happened:
I talked to Michael about Harriel. I don’t think I’ve told you about either one yet except that they exist and a brief summary of them. But basically I was cheating on my not-boyfriend with another not-boyfriend, and I told them both about the other and they both decided,
“Nope, this girl has problems.”
They both told me that they just want me to be happy… With someone else. Which basically to me meant “you’re too messed up for me. You should leave me alone now.”
Honestly it’s probably best this way. I have freedom to be as slutty as I want without making commitments and tearing up innocent hearts including my own. And eventually I can get a few cats to fill the empty apartment I’ll get some day. Also to fill my empty heart.

Okay I know I’m being dramatic and cynical but I’ve given up.
I tried going slow with Michael. It was going great. But I’m weak and went too fast with Harriel at the same time (after telling him I couldn’t be with him because I was with Michael… I gave in way too easily). So I ruined both good things, and inevitably did exactly what I was trying to avoid- hurt the already damaged and end up alone anyway.
So yeah, I give up. I’m just going to be alone and do whatever. Let’s see how that works out.

Thanks for reading, lovelies.
I’ll see your sexy faces next time :)

I didn’t expect it, but it didn’t hurt.

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I didn’t expect it.
I didn’t expect to be at your house on a Tuesday night, pretending not to have any feelings for you.
I didn’t expect to look up from what I was doing to see you standing there in an ordinary moment,being absolutely ordinary
Yet capturing those feelings that I thought were long gone.
I didn’t expect to see her there with you.
I didn’t expect to hear the way you sang together or the way your voice sounded when you spoke only to her.
I didn’t expect the memories of the way your voice sounded when you spoke only to me to flood back.
I didn’t expect to be drowning in what used to be.
I tricked myself into thinking I had learned to swim,
And now I’m sinking all over again.

It didn’t hurt.
It didn’t hurt, seeing that you love her.
It didn’t hurt, knowing that you aren’t mine.
It hurts knowing that you once were.
It hurts to wonder what we had, and it hurts to know we don’t have it anymore.
It hurts knowing that all this time, I’ve been searching for love like yours.
And I wonder if I will ever feel that way again.
And I fear that I won’t.
Ever.

Lovelies, the feels came back. Because I miss it all. I miss his voice, the way he talked to me, the way he seemed to want to know everything about me, how he talked to me all day and late into the night, how just seeing him made me feel whole, just sitting near him and listening to the river made me feel loved. I miss the way he kissed me, and lightly touched me like I was some treasure he was afraid to change. I miss the way every night, he would wish me sweet dreams and call me Em. Because it was special to me.
I’ll never understand any of it- how or why it happened; how or why it ended. And I’ll never get over it. I thought I was finally used to it, but I still fear that I’ll never be loved like that again.
Thanks for reading lovelies, I’ll see your sexy faces next time ^_^

Sorry for the Absence

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I haven’t really been gone, lovelies. I’ve been here, trying desperately to post but never quite making it. I have many, many drafts that I almost posted, but something just never worked. But here I am, finally back with some material evidence for you; the un-posted posts, here for you. They may not mean much to you, but they go pretty deep. Here they are, in reverse order.

All the Wrong Places
Just Looking for Love
Self Perception
Apparently I’ve Changed
He Gave Me Flowers
Michael
Harriel
Sean
Rob
Best Friends ’till the End
Too Many Boys
School is Hard

A lot can be said when looking at these titles. I’m not sure if you can tell, but there’s been quite a few guys in my life of late. And that’s just four of them, there’s so many others… It’s hard to describe what’s been going on because overall it sort of seems like I’ve become a flirt, or worse.

My best friends don’t talk to me as much if at all anymore because I’ve changed too much for them.
I’ve broken a few hearts and snagged a few more.
I drove to Manhattan, Kansas to K-State to meet a stranger from Tinder, I drank alcohol with said stranger, and I got naked with this same stranger. I did not have sex with Sean- that’s his name. I did, however, very soon after tell him that I didn’t think we should keep seeing each other. I was his first “girlfriend” besides one highschooler that never even cuddled, and I only lasted a couple weeks of talking. He fell hard for me, but I didn’t feel a connection. I know I hurt him, bad. He was heartbroken… but isn’t it better that I cut it off quick before leading him on too much? I realize I probably should’ve figured out my feelings before getting pretty physical. But I make mistakes.

And old habits die hard, apparently. Because now I’m stuck between two guys, who I feel like I am playing because I can’t figure out the battle going on between my brain and my heart.

One is a college guy- he’s kinda nerdy (not in the book smarts nerdy but the anime watching, video game playing way), he’s really nice and makes me laugh a lot, and he’s a good listener. Also he’s a really good kisser and we make out a lot and also I may have already had sex with him. He’s kinda quirky and not very romantic or talkative and he has a complicated relationship with his ex… he kept communication open with her “just in case” something might happen again. Even though he’s the one that broke it off because they were always fighting. So she’s not really an ex, because he still has this talking with more intentions than talking thing going on with her. And he’s black, which honestly confused me at first. Okay before you go and think I’m racist, calm down. It’s not because I’m against it, I just never, ever, pictured myself with a black man. I asked my mom a few weeks ago what she would think if I dated a black guy, and she said, “It’s fine as long as you aren’t gay.” Also not the response I would like, because well what if I was gay? It shouldn’t make a difference. It makes me a little uncomfortable that dating black is just a step above being gay in her books, which apparently is very bad. But anyway, I digress.

The other is a highschool senior. He likes math and science like me, he’s directionally challenged and socially awkward like me, but he also has a great sense of humor like me too. He speaks russian and german and plays piano and ukelele and the harmonica. He is a really great gift giver and is so perfect with romantic gestures and he makes everything feel so special, he gave me my first flowers and is growing bamboo for me and physically we are taking things pretty slow which I really like. But he’s damaged and has a crazy abusive ex whom he is definitely not over, at all. I’m not going to go into that relationship, I’m just going to say that she is crazy controlling, manipulative, and mean. And it’s scarred him forever, he’s timid, afraid of doing something wrong, and even asks me permission to go to bed or do certain things. I’m trying to make him see that I’m not the same as her, that relationships aren’t supposed to be like that. But I don’t want a project, I want a relationship. I don’t want to be the rebound or the girl he uses to learn how to love again, and I’m afraid he might go back to her if she gives him a sideways glance.

So yeah, deciding between awkward romantic highschooler or mysterious sexy black guy is an ongoing battle between heart and brain, and every minute it takes for me to try to figure out my feelings is another minute I feel like I’m lying or cheating or using them.

But looking back at those titles, I also saw that I have changed. I’ve learned more about myself in the past few months than I ever did in the previous 18 years. And I think that’s a good thing. I think it’s important to know yourself before you ever try to go further and know someone else or start your life. You need a foundation of self to build your life on, if that makes sense.
And I think I’m not being slutty as it may seem to some people. Yes, I have had romantic or sexual encounters with a few boys in a small amount of time. But it’s not because I want to use them, it’s not because I just want sex. I spent a lot of time thinking about what brought the change, and it was sort of obvious to me. I am honestly just looking for love. I had love, or atleast what felt to me like love. It was the closest thing to love that I’ve ever felt, and I’m honestly not sure if I’ll ever get that close again. But without consciously deciding to do so, my broken heart decided to frantically search for something to grasp onto- beginning with cuddling (and more) with his best friends, one night stands with a boy leading to flirting with all of his friends, flirting and testing the waters with a coworker and friend, the tinder date I mentioned, almost pursuing another boy who already had a girlfriend, and the two guys I also mentioned. And a few more flirty encounters. I feel like a slut, listing all that out. But honestly, it’s more like a high-speed system to test potential relationships and if the first few checks fit, I go to the next step. If not, I move on. No need to continue something when “something” isn’t there and probably won’t ever be.
I’m like a love computer, systematically searching or love.
It’s hard to explain, but it’s just the way I think my heart was coping with the confusing using it got.

So yeah, I feel like this post was all over the place. And everything is hard to explain. But I wanted to officially be back! So it’s nice to see you again, lovelies :) I’ll see your sexy faces again soon!