Possible Pregnancy Perturbation

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Well Lovelies, three more days and I’m home-free, headed back home to Kansas.

So much stress, so much drama. Still a lot of secrets but they don’t feel so heavy anymore.
Let’s talk about babies.

Pregnancy is really creepy to me. Seriously, the idea of anything living, growing inside of another living thing creeps me out. It’s like an alien, stealing the mother’s life force from inside, but that alien is actually made of her. That’s another thing that’s just weird to me. I’ve taken so many science classes and was forced to sit through sex ed and I know exactly how it happens down to the chemistry and anatomy of each cell that’s involved, but it still baffles me how life even exists, how life is created. Two microscopic things somehow carry the entire makeup of the living things they come from, and they just run into each other and start making another living thing.
It’s just crazy to me.

Babies are so freaking adorable and I know I want to have a couple of my own some day and have a family. I see toddlers with their parents at grocery stores and parks, I see parents playing with infants and cooing at them with their bubbly baby voices, I see kids playing in parks and I like to hear the genius things they come up with. And the parents I see always seem so happy and proud, like those kids really are their prides and joys, like nothing else in their lives matter anymore because now they have this perfect kid to take care of and watch grow into a perfect person and have a perfect life. And they know that their lives are complete, because they created this new life.

I would love to have kids, some day. But let’s be realistic here.
I don’t have a job. Or a steady relationship. Or money. I live in my parents house off of their income in a room painted green and decorated with posters and stuffed animals. I’m like a kid, except that I’m 18 and getting a job and majoring in Biochemistry and Molecular Biology.
I am going to college in a couple of weeks and I have to focus on school and work and scholarships and starting my life.
I just can’t be pregnant.

A week ago, I took a pregnancy test and it came out negative, but here I am on cycle day 49… almost 20 days late. I’m just worried. Because I am not ready for anything. I can’t even pay for another pregnancy test, how can I worry about possibly having something living and growing inside of me?

I’m going to go to the doctor when I get back to Kansas I suppose. I haven’t been to the doctor in so long I don’t even know how. I just know I need my parents’ insurance information, which means they will have to know I’m going to the doctor which means another secret I can’t keep.

Darion brought it up again today, asking about what will happen. I don’t want to talk about abortion anymore. I can’t even think about it very much, I would just feel so guilty and sad. I just hope it doesn’t come to that. If it turns out that I’m pregnant though, I would have to. A baby would turn our lives upside down.

So, lovelies. keep your fingers crossed. So far, so good but lets keep hoping.
Teenage pregnancy is a problem. Abstinence is the answer, but if you don’t like that answer, use a condom. Be smart; Be safe. yada yada. Just don’t be like me :P

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