When you look into a body of water – be that a puddle, a river, or a pond – you will see a reflection of some nature. The quality and clarity of the reflection and the ease of seeing the contents of the body of water depend on the cleanliness and translucence of the water. Take the glacier-formed lake Chelan in Washington, for example; Lake Chelan is the 3rd deepest lake in the US. It is so deep that the house-sized (or larger) boulders and sunken trees hundreds of feet below look like twigs and pebbles just under your toes. It’s almost eerie how clearly you can see to the very depths of the lake. You can see everything if you care to look.
Things like rivers though, they are always changing (queue Pocahontas). One day they could be dirty, some naturally always are. Others seem pristine until you take a step in and stir up a cloud of dirt, muddying the water for minutes or more until the disturbed dust settles. Of course, adding mud to even the clearest waters makes things harder. The water gets murky. It’s more difficult to see what your looking for, or if there is anything /to/ see. Things get messy.
Sometimes, all you can do is wait for the mud to settle.
Today, I spent five hours with Darion. How can that be, you ask? How is it possible when I had cut him out, lost all connections, deliberately ignored him for weeks? Well, Lovelies. That is a story on it’s own, but here’s the summary: There is a loophole to everything and I am a weak-willed hopeless romantic. I found out that blocking someone’s iPhone /number/ does not necessarily block that same person’s iPhone /email/ ID, thus leaving the door of communication cracked open.
And ofcourse, I kept it that way. Because I am not 100% morally sound and I think that no matter how hard I try, it will be impossible to fully eradicate those feelings. Firsts are big, and he will always be my first (almost) everything.
Anyway… He’s been talking to me more. He doesn’t like how so many people are getting cut out of his life and lost, plus he hasn’t had sex in a while. He’s romantically and sexually frustrated and I am on his list of options for these problems. Mostly the latter, I assume, though the former may play a role there somehow. Basically, he wants to feel those things again, and he’s trying to use me to feel them.
So he’s been texting me and he asked me to give him a ride from work and I did. Because today was my day off and I was just spending it reading anyway. Why not? (besides the possibility of something happening…) So I did and then he invited me to hang out. Maybe shower together (I politely declined), get snow cones (I politely accepted), maybe drive around a bit (I also accepted this, leading to the real fun).
Now we drove around for a while. We ended up out on the country roads, turning at random, almost making it to a nearby tiny town before inevitably getting stuck in the mud. Just my luck, getting stuck in the middle of nowhere with the one person in town that I really shouldn’t be stuck in the middle of nowhere with. And who could I call? My dad? That would turn out well… He honestly wants to kill Darion. Or at least severely injure him. Plus I did not want to face the repercussions of what he would think of or say to me about my poor decisions.
It took hours of -playing-in-the-mud- fruitless effort to un-stick Carlotta from the mud and deliberating on whether or not to call my dad (who has very strong feelings about Darion) to rescue us or call AAA to be charged $300+ to rescue us, before we saw a truck conveniently rumbling down the road towards us. A nice ex-Texan with a strong accent stopped and talked to us, and offered to pull us out if we gave him time to go get the chains or whatever. We honestly didn’t have a choice, but if we did, he was the best one.
It took about another hour, but finally the very friendly cowboy pulled us out of the mud and we were home free. He wouldn’t accept any money from us, but accepted our sincere “thank you”s.
But lovelies, here’s the part that I’ve been avoiding: I kissed him. Well, I let him kiss me. I don’t know, I guess both. He was tempting me all day, manipulating my feelings. He knows what he was doing, he even talked about it. He explained how he likes to hook and tease feelings and play with emotions and desires, all the while demonstrating on me. He finds your weaknesses and plays on them. He knows that singing with me is a quick way to lower my walls. He knows that being open emotionally in turn opens me up too. He knows just where to brush lightly or what to say to turn me on, and it works. I knew what he was doing, and I resisted for hours. But then, out there in the middle of nowhere, with the sun shining and the wind blowing and the trees and birds and long grass all dancing around us, with hours to spare and tension growing… He got closer to me and ended up on top of me as I leaned against my car. He ran his fingers along my neck, he ran his nails up my back, his breath gave me goosebumps as he kissed my neck. He gazed into my eyes. He teased me. He kissed me.
The whole time I gently stopped him, saying that it was wrong, that I have a boyfriend, that I shouldn’t, that he was being bad. I was being bad too. I didn’t try to stop him enough. I didn’t resist my feelings enough. I know what he does, and I let myself fall for it. But I did finally push him away and said, “I think you should stop now.” It was awkward, and he kept trying afterwards. But I didn’t. We got rescued, I dropped him off, and later when we met at a restaurant so I could return his forgotten wallet, he hugged me. I didn’t appreciate that- anyone could have seen. Even though a hug could just be a hug. He is still texting me inappropriately, and I try not to egg him on.
The thing is, the waters were finally clearing with me and Harriel. A bit of dirt got thrown in recently (I might tell you sometime, it has to do with his ex…) but now, at least for me, the clearing water has turned to mud. Darion always mucks up my relationship it seems. I don’t know whether I should tell Harriel about today. He doesn’t even want me texting him, let alone spending hours with him… or kissing him…
I don’t think I can tell him.
I guess now I just have to try not to stir up anymore dirt and try to let the mud settle.