Now I Know Why They Call Them ‘Heartstrings’

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Hello Lovelies :)
Cutting strings; in theory, strings are thin and weak- easy to break, tear, cut. In reality, sometimes those strings are tied to something vital, like your heart. Those are harder to cut. It’s almost sure to cause irreparable damage.
I finally cut ties last night. I’ve been avoiding it, trying to fade away instead of break off. But Harriel has been wanting me to completely stop talking to Darion, and yesterday he saw me texting him a lot (because some drama was unfolding again), and so he told me to block him. And so I did. Because I want Harriel to understand that I love him, only him. And if I’m with him, I guess I don’t need Darion.

It’s just hard. Because I miss Darion, and he showed me a glimpse of how things used to be, how things could be. We laughed and sang and talked. Even after months of trying to ignore him and let him live his life, and let me live mine, it was so easy to just let him walk back into mine–it almost felt like it never happened. I felt comfortable with him so quickly.
But then I could tell he wanted more than just a friend to talk and sing and laugh with. I could tell he wanted to kiss, to touch. He kept alluding to sexual encounters, planting ideas of doing more. That’s what he does- he does and says just the right things to make me think and do the things he’d like. He makes me remember feelings and good times, so that I want to make more. Even though he knows I have a boyfriend. And he should know by now that I’m terrified of being used again, because that’s all anybody ever does, they use me.

And that’s what I was telling him over one very long ranty text message when Harriel came back from his theatre rehearsal. He could tell I was upset, and then when I told him that I gave Darion a ride and hung out at his house for a little while, he got a bit paranoid. And he got a bit angry. He was stuck between trying to comfort me and give me sound advice about Darion, and being upset about different scenarios he was seeing in his head. I assured him that nothing happened, and when Darion replied with just the right words to convince me that I mean /something/ to him, that I am actually the one that hurts -him- with my doubts, Harriel assured me that everything Darion tells me is basically a lie. I still want to believe that everything he does isn’t to use me, but I have so much proof stacked against him. I don’t think he’ll ever change.

And so, as I was distraught over all the drama of “does he care or not?”, in my moment of weakness with strong words being whispered in my ear, Harriel deleted Darion’s number from my phone, blocked his number, and told me that I should block him from everything else, too. I wanted to save my last two messages to him, just to remember why I was doing it, but Harriel told me that I should just forget about it. So before he left to take his shower and go to bed, he watched as I slowly cut each thread to Darion, deleting him, unfollowing him, and blocking everything.

It hurt. I still have stupid emotional attachments to him. I wish I didn’t. My head screams, “forget about him”; my heart whispers, “but you loved him”. So cutting all ties with him hurts. I want to know what he has to say to me. I want to have boring idle chat with him. I’d like to keep him as a friend. That’s why it’s been so hard for me to try to ignore him. Harriel doesn’t like that it hurts me. He doesn’t like knowing that I still have some feelings for Darion besides hate. He wants me to hate Darion as much as he must–it would all be so much easier if I did. But I can’t. I don’t know how some people can just drop others out of their lives so easily.
Harriel also said that if Darion tries to talk to me, just to let him take care of it so that I don’t have to be involved with him anymore. And as I was shedding a few tears over blocking Darion out of my life, he told me, “and I don’t recommend blogging about it.” He knows Darion can read my blog. But I need an outlet, I can’t just hold all this inside. And in some sort of way, I guess I’m reaching out to Darion, too.
I want to undo it. I don’t like dropping anybody out of my life. I give so many second chances because I have so much forgiveness. Or ignorance, maybe that’s it. I don’t know.
But then maybe this is a good thing. Maybe everything will be easier this way.

Until next time, Lovelies :) I’ll see your sexy faces again soon!

Quick College Complaint

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Hello again Lovelies,

I’m going to complain again today, because this is my blog and I can write whatever I need to write to get my thoughts out. Sorry Lovelies, I guess I’m being a bit selfish today. I’ll try to be better soon.

I’m currently sitting in my bed, smelling Chenxi’s strangely odored noodles, listening to her melodramatic Chinese movies, with her three unnecessary lamps shining right into my eyes. The window is open and it’s too cold but her food stinks. Also I miss my boyfriend but his roommate is moody and doesn’t like coming home from work and finding me there hanging out in his room. Harriel’s only like ten feet away but I can’t see him. And he got into playing League of Legends, so now he spends lots of time doing that. I’m tired of that game. And Ryan is in the lobby singing happy songs on his guitar and I want to sit out there but I’m already bra-less and wearing Harriels shirt as pajamas and also I’m socially awkward so I guess I’ll just sit here venting about how I don’t like dorm life anymore.

Also I missed a day of my birth control so my stupid uterus thought it was time to start murdering itself, even though I have a week left. Which means by the time this fake period ends, the real one will start up. Yay, double menstruation! Let’s hope I don’t bleed to death. Only morbidly half-joking. Sorry lovelies, I’m in a weird funk today.

Alright, maybe next time I write it will be meaningful.

Sayonara, I’ll see your sexy faces next time :)

I’m Bummed and Bored and I Miss Having a Best Friend

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Hello there Lovelies :)

I was going to write a beautiful post about how happy I am with Harriel and how lucky I am to have him and tell you about some things we’ve done recently, but I’m feeling really bummed about lots of other stuff right now and I just need to get it out.

Okay, so I’m in college. And sometimes, I absolutely love it. I love the independence, I love that I can choose my own classes and figure out what I’m doing in life, I love the sense of responsibility and I like taking walks on campus and last semester I liked finding parties and flirting with all the boys and everything. College.

But right now, I just really really miss high school. I miss seeing the people that I’ve seen since kindergarten every day. I miss hating the preppy barbie doll girls and I miss breezing through all of my classes like I somehow intrinsically knew every single thing. Like physics. How did I ever know all that crap without ever looking at the board or in a book??
But mostly, I just miss my best friend.
I miss being with my best friend for like, 12 hours of every day. I miss spending most weekends with her. I miss basically being a part of her family. I miss the daily schedule of seeing people at school and doing homework and always talking to her about everything. I miss all the teachers that loved us because we were smart even though we screwed around in class. I miss being weird with her and always laughing. I miss breaking all the rules and getting away with it because the teachers knew us. I miss being asked “where’s Rebecca” anytime she wasn’t right next to me, because she was always next to me. I miss doing everything with her.

If there’s such a thing as platonic soul mates, that’s us. We were the most inseparable twins. She is me. I miss her.
If she were a boy, I’d sound like an obsessive ex-girlfriend. It’s not crazy to miss your best friend like this, right?

Ugh. I’m just sad and lonely now.

I’m also bummed because I don’t have any friends and I do the same thing, over and over, every day. My whole life is routine. I didn’t even know we had a vending machine in our building or that there was a building connected to my building, because I never go outside of my regular path to class, lunch, homework, shower, sleep. I’m not involved in anything, I don’t talk to or see people ever. I just want to hang out with people and do fun things every once in a while.

I’m sorry for complaining, lovelies. I know these posts never go anywhere. I could probably keep going about how I’m lonely, but until next time, I shall bid you adieu.
So long, farewell…
Haha well I’ll see your sexy faces next time (when hopefully I’ll be back to my more meaningful, perhaps poetic posts) ;D

Porcelain

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Lovelies, it seems as though everybody acts like I’m this pristine piece of porcelain– Untouched, smooth, white, simple and pretty.

Some people want to add a little design, a little color, but at the same time they don’t want to mar me.
So I try to decorate myself, I put myself with colorful glass vases, bright plastic cups with geometric designs. It seems they’ve been everywhere, tasted so many drinks. Been touched by the brushes of so many artists with so many colors.
And maybe I end up with a few cracks but maybe that’s really just texture.
Then again, you never know how bad a crack is until the jar is broken.
I’ve had a few chips taken out. I’ve felt shattered. But others still see me as clean and fragile, some don’t want me to be changed at all.
I kind of like that. They see me as innocent. Sweet. It means they look at me as something to protect and admire. It means they’ve looked at me and cared to judge my innocence and ignorance and sweetness and simplicity. The smooth grains of my porcelain jar are still beautiful to them.
But then there’s also that moment when I can feel them about to connect with me or say something, invite me to something, tell me about something. But they hold back. There’s always something behind that hesitation, and then they shake their head and say “maybe I shouldn’t tell you” or “we are corrupting you.” Or my favorite, 
“I wouldn’t want to change you.”

The Last Time I Cried

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Lovelies, the last time I cried was for myself.

I’m not sure how I feel about that. Does it make me weak? Selfish?
Probably.

The last time I cried, he told me the truth.
In retrospect, I knew it already; he only confirmed it.
It was when I asked him about her, and him, and me.

He was quiet,
And then he said:

“I lied.”

I listened, and he revealed.

It’s because I’ve made the same mistake again– that mistake I told him about; the one he didn’t want me to know I was making.
He didn’t want me to know that he was using me the same was they used me before. He didn’t want me to know he was cheating on her with me… and then on me with her.

I try not to think about the feeling of betrayal. Not just that it happened- I’ve dealt with that before. But that he lied so many times, especially when I specifically asked him.
I want to believe he’s not like the others.

Please, prove me right.

Compunction and Unease

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Darion texted me about the last time we had sex, which was after that party where I got high for the first time.
Harriel saw the texts, and got really quiet. I tried to ask him what’s wrong but he sat there staring at nothing and said, “hadn’t we already started having sex by then?” Meaning, “we were already a thing, we had feelings for each other, and you fucked another guy”. I could see water collecting on the brim of his eyes. There was too much to say. I wanted to explain everything all at once but in that moment I knew nothing I could say would make it better. So I nodded my head and waited for him to ask another question. why?
He didn’t ask. I stopped texting Darion and started panicking. The dull throb of guilt that has been in my chest since that night woke up again and overwhelmed me. My throat tightened and burned. I wanted to tell him everything.
So I tried to start. “Last year, after the house party at my boss’s house I was pretty drunk and very high and I was alone and had no way home. So I called Darion and we… He took me home.”
“And you had sex.” He didn’t ask, he stated.
“Yes… But harriel I need you to understand-”
“-I mean I guess we didn’t put a label on it then so it doesn’t matter…” He wiped his cheek, a tear I didn’t catch.
“We didn’t put a label on it but I still cared about you, we still meant something to me.”
He was silent. I know he would be confused, angry. And I felt guilt. So much guilt. And that disgusting feeling I had when I woke up the next morning, that feeling of being nothing but some dirty object to be used, came back. He wouldn’t understand if I tried to tell him- he’d probably think I was making excuses. But I tried anyway.
“Harriel, I have to say something. I don’t expect you to believe me or understand and I want you to know that I’m not trying to make excuses… But that night yes I had sex with him but I was drunk and high and I know that’s no excuse but I don’t even remember wanting to have sex with him. I barely remembered it happened… He didn’t even tell me when I asked him the next day. I think… I’m… He took advantage of me. After it happened I was just confused and angry and I don’t know what else to tell you besides how I feel so completely used.”
He was quiet for a long time, and I regretted telling him that. I didn’t want to change the blame or make him feel sorry for me. I don’t know why I wanted to tell him about all that. Now he probably thought I was stupid or something. He was probably just even more disgusted with me. I couldn’t stand his silence anymore, and his face looked so hurt.
“Do you want me leave you alone now?”
He shook his head and wiped another silent tear. You couldn’t tell he was crying if he didn’t give it away by wiping his cheek.
“What’re you thinking?” I touched his shoulder and he didn’t pull away, but I drew my hand back to my lap.
“I don’t know. I don’t know what to think.”
I shook my head, disgusted with myself, angry at Darion, feeling guilty and frantically wishing I could take it all back, take back that night, take back the pain I was causing Harriel.
All I wanted was to hug him and lean on his shoulder- the shoulder that I felt so comfortable cuddling into, that suddenly felt off limits and unfamiliar. I wanted to soak up all of the pain from his body so that I could take it instead of causing it for him. I wanted to make everything better.
He spoke again, this time I could hear a catch in his throat. “I want you to know that I don’t think less of you and I don’t blame you for anything… And I love you.”
I realized then that I was crying because my voice was stuck on the lump on my throat and I wiped my eyes. “I love you too.”
I hugged him and apologized so many times, each time he said “it’ll be okay… It’ll be okay”. I kept shaking my head. How could it be okay? I can’t take back what happened, I can’t fix his trust or heal the pain I caused him. But then he kissed away the tears on my cheek and said he loved me again and I leaned on his shoulder and he rubbed my arm until I fell asleep.

A promise, a pun, and a private profession

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Hello again lovelies :)

I just told Harriel about what happened on New Years. I can’t believe how amazing he is. He’s so understanding and caring and protective. I wasn’t planning on saying anything, to anyone. Ever. But I said something that hinted towards what happened and he somehow picked up on it. He picks up on things really fast. that’s another thing that I like about him.
And so I hinted towards it on accident and he was like, “wait… Did you say that happened?”
At first I didn’t know what to say. I wasn’t sure I wanted to tell him about it. Honestly I have been trying not to tell anybody. But I am so close to him, I feel like I can tell him basically anything. So I told him. At first I didn’t know what to say. And my voice was sort of shaky. So I let him ask questions and I answered them all. And when I started crying, he was so sweet and he instantly cheered me up. He always knows how to make me laugh, even when I’m really down. I think that’s one of my favorite things about him. He always knows how to make me smile.
When I told him how I felt, he told me that he knows I might feel that way for a while but he understands. He told me that it wasn’t my fault and he wishes I told him sooner, just so I didn’t have to keep it to myself.
He’s so sweet. I’m glad I have him to talk to, and I know he’ll always be there for me.
The other day he told me that he always wanted to make me happy, no matter what. And I said, “promise?” And he said “promise. :)” I didn’t stop smiling for a long time after that. He asked me why I made him promise, and I told him that I guess it’s just new for someone to want to try to make me so happy, even when he makes me so happy when he’s not even trying.
He’s just really great, Lovelies. Every day I find more and more to love about him.
Well, until next time :) I shall see your sexy faces again soon!

PS: every night we talk on the phone super late, and we have talked for over 24 hours in 5 days :) I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to fall asleep with his voice being the last thing I hear. I only got to see him once over the month of winter break, and I am more than ready for Monday to come; he’s moving back in just a few days!
Okay, for real this time, lovelies. I’m going to bed ;)

My Romantic Life as Told By Taylor Swift

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Hello there lovelies :)

One day I woke up and had an idea. It seems like Taylor Swift has a song for every moment in every sort of relationship and even though I’m not a huge Taylor fan, I decided to be creative. I basically spent hours picking the most relevant lines of lyrics out of her songs and stitching them together to form whatever you call this. If you pretend they aren’t songs and read straight through it, it actually reads like a nice poem that somehow tells my exact story.

So here’s a compilation of lyrics from 20 T-Swizzle songs, basically exactly depicting my romantic history, starting with prom and the nights at the river, moving through falling in love and heartbreak and the painful aftermath, changing into that girl who uses boys and screws with their hearts, and finally starting over with someone new :)

Okay before I show you my absolutely amazing collection that honestly I obsessed over a little bit too much–and I’m sure you’re on the edge of your seat in anticipation of reading it– I have something very exciting to announce.

Me and Harriel made it official :D
*Internal squeals of excitement*
*Trying not to jump up and down like a little girl who just learned she’s going to Disneyland*
*smiling like a fool anyway*

Okay, so I will probably tell you more about it later, but do you understand how exciting this is? Like guys, I have a boyfriend. Like an actual boyfriend. We put a label on it and he doesn’t have another girl in his life and he actually wants to be with me. We are moving back to the dorms in a week and then I can see him every day, and sleep in his arms and walk to class and eat at the (oh-so romantic) cafeteria with him and… I’m just really happy, lovelies.
Okay, I’m done… for now ;)

And the moment you’ve all been waiting for, the long-awaited mashup of Queen Tay Tay’s masterpieces, the sure-to-be-famous mix tape coming to you soon probably never…
I call it, My Romantic Life As Told By Taylor Swift
(I like it better once you get a few songs in. My favorite part is “
Treacherous” to “Enchanted. Alright, don’t judge me, I know this is weird. I almost didn’t share it with you. Okay now enjoy this beautiful piece of artwork. KThanksBye.)

Today Was a Fairytale

Today was a fairytale
I wore a dress
Can you feel there’s magic in the air
It must have been the way
Today was a fairytale

Everything Has Changed

Cause all I know is we said hello
And your eyes looking like coming home
All I know since yesterday
Is everything has changed
And all my walls stood tall painted blue
But I’ll take them down and open up the door for you
So meet me there tonight
and let me know that it’s not all in my mind

Mine

Do you remember we were sitting there by the water
you put your arm around me for the first time
you made a rebel of a careless mans careful daughter

Treacherous

This slope is treacherous
This path reckless
And I like it
I cant decide if it’s a choice
getting swept away

I’d Lie

And if you asked me if I love him
I’d lie

Crazier

I’ve never gone with the wind
Watched from a distance as you
Made life your own
Feels like I’m falling and
I’m lost in your eyes

Superman

And I hang on every word you say
Something about his brown eyes has me saying
He’s not all bad like his reputation
And you’ll leave, got places to be
and I’ll be okay
Don’t forget about me

State of Grace

And I never saw you coming
And I’ll never be the same

Enchanted

The lingering question kept me up
2 AM ‘who do you love?’

Sad Beautiful Tragic

We both wake in lonely beds in different cities
and time is ticking a sweet summer race in you
and you’ve got your demons and darling they look like me
We had a beautiful magic love affair
What a sad beautiful tragic love affair

White Horse

Holding on, the days drag on
Stupid girl, I should have known
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Maybe I was naive,
got lost in your eyes.
I never really had a chance.

Red

Regretting him was like wishing
you never found out love could be that strong
Tell myself it’s time now,
gotta let go
But moving on from him
is impossible
when I still see it all in my head

All Too Well

Oh your sweet disposition
at my wide eyed gaze
We’re singing in the car
and I can picture it after all these days
And I know it’s long gone
there’s nothing else I could do
I forgot about you long enough
to remember why I need you.
Maybe I asked for too much
but maybe this thing was a masterpiece
and you tore it all up.
So casually cruel in the name of being honest
I’d like to be my old self again but I’m still trying to find it
Cause there we are again and I loved you so much
I remember it all too well

I Knew You Were Trouble

I guess you didn’t care, and I guess I liked that.
When I fell hard, you took a step back.
Without me.
I knew you were trouble when you walked in,
So shame on me now.
Flew me to places I never been.
Now I’m lying on the cold hard ground.
Pretend he doesnt know that he’s the reason why
You’re drowning.
He was long gone, when he met me
And I realize the joke is on me.
Then the saddest fear comes creeping in
that you never loved me, or her, or anyone, or anything.

The Story of Us

So many things that I wish you knew
so many walls I can’t break through
now I’m standing alone in a crowded room
and we’re not speaking
and I’m dying to know is it killing you?
I’d tell you I miss you but I don’t know how
I’ve never heard silence quite this loud

We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together

You go talk to your friends,
Talk to my friends, talk to me.

Mean

I just wanna feel okay again

Blank Space

oh my god,
Look at that face, you look like my next mistake
So hey, let’s be friends
I’m dying to see how this one ends
Stolen kisses, pretty lies
Find out what you want
Be that girl for a month
But the worst is yet to come
You can tell me when it’s over
If the high was worth the pain
Cause we’re young and we’re reckless
We’ll take this way too far and leave you breathless
Or with a nasty scar
Cause you know I love the players
And you love the game

Shake it Off

I stay out too late
Go on too many dates
Well that’s what people say
I’m just gonna shake it off.
And to the fellow over there
won’t you come on over closer
We can shake c;

Begin Again

We tell stories and you don’t know why
I’m coming off as a little shy
But I do
I’ve been spending the last eight months
Thinking all love does is break and burn and end
and I almost brought him up
But you start to talk
And for the first time what’s past is past



Well, there you have it lovelies. I was very skeptical about sharing it with you. I know it’s weird but at the same time I sort of think it’s beautiful. Maybe it’s just a personal thing, so I’d be surprised if you read all the way through but if you did, maybe you see the progression of me. I’ve changed a lot throughout all this. Love is stupid. Okay, until next time, I’ll see your sexy faces soon ;D