Hello Lovelies :)
Cutting strings; in theory, strings are thin and weak- easy to break, tear, cut. In reality, sometimes those strings are tied to something vital, like your heart. Those are harder to cut. It’s almost sure to cause irreparable damage.
I finally cut ties last night. I’ve been avoiding it, trying to fade away instead of break off. But Harriel has been wanting me to completely stop talking to Darion, and yesterday he saw me texting him a lot (because some drama was unfolding again), and so he told me to block him. And so I did. Because I want Harriel to understand that I love him, only him. And if I’m with him, I guess I don’t need Darion.
It’s just hard. Because I miss Darion, and he showed me a glimpse of how things used to be, how things could be. We laughed and sang and talked. Even after months of trying to ignore him and let him live his life, and let me live mine, it was so easy to just let him walk back into mine–it almost felt like it never happened. I felt comfortable with him so quickly.
But then I could tell he wanted more than just a friend to talk and sing and laugh with. I could tell he wanted to kiss, to touch. He kept alluding to sexual encounters, planting ideas of doing more. That’s what he does- he does and says just the right things to make me think and do the things he’d like. He makes me remember feelings and good times, so that I want to make more. Even though he knows I have a boyfriend. And he should know by now that I’m terrified of being used again, because that’s all anybody ever does, they use me.
And that’s what I was telling him over one very long ranty text message when Harriel came back from his theatre rehearsal. He could tell I was upset, and then when I told him that I gave Darion a ride and hung out at his house for a little while, he got a bit paranoid. And he got a bit angry. He was stuck between trying to comfort me and give me sound advice about Darion, and being upset about different scenarios he was seeing in his head. I assured him that nothing happened, and when Darion replied with just the right words to convince me that I mean /something/ to him, that I am actually the one that hurts -him- with my doubts, Harriel assured me that everything Darion tells me is basically a lie. I still want to believe that everything he does isn’t to use me, but I have so much proof stacked against him. I don’t think he’ll ever change.
And so, as I was distraught over all the drama of “does he care or not?”, in my moment of weakness with strong words being whispered in my ear, Harriel deleted Darion’s number from my phone, blocked his number, and told me that I should block him from everything else, too. I wanted to save my last two messages to him, just to remember why I was doing it, but Harriel told me that I should just forget about it. So before he left to take his shower and go to bed, he watched as I slowly cut each thread to Darion, deleting him, unfollowing him, and blocking everything.
It hurt. I still have stupid emotional attachments to him. I wish I didn’t. My head screams, “forget about him”; my heart whispers, “but you loved him”. So cutting all ties with him hurts. I want to know what he has to say to me. I want to have boring idle chat with him. I’d like to keep him as a friend. That’s why it’s been so hard for me to try to ignore him. Harriel doesn’t like that it hurts me. He doesn’t like knowing that I still have some feelings for Darion besides hate. He wants me to hate Darion as much as he must–it would all be so much easier if I did. But I can’t. I don’t know how some people can just drop others out of their lives so easily.
Harriel also said that if Darion tries to talk to me, just to let him take care of it so that I don’t have to be involved with him anymore. And as I was shedding a few tears over blocking Darion out of my life, he told me, “and I don’t recommend blogging about it.” He knows Darion can read my blog. But I need an outlet, I can’t just hold all this inside. And in some sort of way, I guess I’m reaching out to Darion, too.
I want to undo it. I don’t like dropping anybody out of my life. I give so many second chances because I have so much forgiveness. Or ignorance, maybe that’s it. I don’t know.
But then maybe this is a good thing. Maybe everything will be easier this way.
Until next time, Lovelies :) I’ll see your sexy faces again soon!