Porcelain

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Lovelies, it seems as though everybody acts like I’m this pristine piece of porcelain– Untouched, smooth, white, simple and pretty.

Some people want to add a little design, a little color, but at the same time they don’t want to mar me.
So I try to decorate myself, I put myself with colorful glass vases, bright plastic cups with geometric designs. It seems they’ve been everywhere, tasted so many drinks. Been touched by the brushes of so many artists with so many colors.
And maybe I end up with a few cracks but maybe that’s really just texture.
Then again, you never know how bad a crack is until the jar is broken.
I’ve had a few chips taken out. I’ve felt shattered. But others still see me as clean and fragile, some don’t want me to be changed at all.
I kind of like that. They see me as innocent. Sweet. It means they look at me as something to protect and admire. It means they’ve looked at me and cared to judge my innocence and ignorance and sweetness and simplicity. The smooth grains of my porcelain jar are still beautiful to them.
But then there’s also that moment when I can feel them about to connect with me or say something, invite me to something, tell me about something. But they hold back. There’s always something behind that hesitation, and then they shake their head and say “maybe I shouldn’t tell you” or “we are corrupting you.” Or my favorite, 
“I wouldn’t want to change you.”

The Last Time I Cried

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Lovelies, the last time I cried was for myself.

I’m not sure how I feel about that. Does it make me weak? Selfish?
Probably.

The last time I cried, he told me the truth.
In retrospect, I knew it already; he only confirmed it.
It was when I asked him about her, and him, and me.

He was quiet,
And then he said:

“I lied.”

I listened, and he revealed.

It’s because I’ve made the same mistake again– that mistake I told him about; the one he didn’t want me to know I was making.
He didn’t want me to know that he was using me the same was they used me before. He didn’t want me to know he was cheating on her with me… and then on me with her.

I try not to think about the feeling of betrayal. Not just that it happened- I’ve dealt with that before. But that he lied so many times, especially when I specifically asked him.
I want to believe he’s not like the others.

Please, prove me right.

Compunction and Unease

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Darion texted me about the last time we had sex, which was after that party where I got high for the first time.
Harriel saw the texts, and got really quiet. I tried to ask him what’s wrong but he sat there staring at nothing and said, “hadn’t we already started having sex by then?” Meaning, “we were already a thing, we had feelings for each other, and you fucked another guy”. I could see water collecting on the brim of his eyes. There was too much to say. I wanted to explain everything all at once but in that moment I knew nothing I could say would make it better. So I nodded my head and waited for him to ask another question. why?
He didn’t ask. I stopped texting Darion and started panicking. The dull throb of guilt that has been in my chest since that night woke up again and overwhelmed me. My throat tightened and burned. I wanted to tell him everything.
So I tried to start. “Last year, after the house party at my boss’s house I was pretty drunk and very high and I was alone and had no way home. So I called Darion and we… He took me home.”
“And you had sex.” He didn’t ask, he stated.
“Yes… But harriel I need you to understand-”
“-I mean I guess we didn’t put a label on it then so it doesn’t matter…” He wiped his cheek, a tear I didn’t catch.
“We didn’t put a label on it but I still cared about you, we still meant something to me.”
He was silent. I know he would be confused, angry. And I felt guilt. So much guilt. And that disgusting feeling I had when I woke up the next morning, that feeling of being nothing but some dirty object to be used, came back. He wouldn’t understand if I tried to tell him- he’d probably think I was making excuses. But I tried anyway.
“Harriel, I have to say something. I don’t expect you to believe me or understand and I want you to know that I’m not trying to make excuses… But that night yes I had sex with him but I was drunk and high and I know that’s no excuse but I don’t even remember wanting to have sex with him. I barely remembered it happened… He didn’t even tell me when I asked him the next day. I think… I’m… He took advantage of me. After it happened I was just confused and angry and I don’t know what else to tell you besides how I feel so completely used.”
He was quiet for a long time, and I regretted telling him that. I didn’t want to change the blame or make him feel sorry for me. I don’t know why I wanted to tell him about all that. Now he probably thought I was stupid or something. He was probably just even more disgusted with me. I couldn’t stand his silence anymore, and his face looked so hurt.
“Do you want me leave you alone now?”
He shook his head and wiped another silent tear. You couldn’t tell he was crying if he didn’t give it away by wiping his cheek.
“What’re you thinking?” I touched his shoulder and he didn’t pull away, but I drew my hand back to my lap.
“I don’t know. I don’t know what to think.”
I shook my head, disgusted with myself, angry at Darion, feeling guilty and frantically wishing I could take it all back, take back that night, take back the pain I was causing Harriel.
All I wanted was to hug him and lean on his shoulder- the shoulder that I felt so comfortable cuddling into, that suddenly felt off limits and unfamiliar. I wanted to soak up all of the pain from his body so that I could take it instead of causing it for him. I wanted to make everything better.
He spoke again, this time I could hear a catch in his throat. “I want you to know that I don’t think less of you and I don’t blame you for anything… And I love you.”
I realized then that I was crying because my voice was stuck on the lump on my throat and I wiped my eyes. “I love you too.”
I hugged him and apologized so many times, each time he said “it’ll be okay… It’ll be okay”. I kept shaking my head. How could it be okay? I can’t take back what happened, I can’t fix his trust or heal the pain I caused him. But then he kissed away the tears on my cheek and said he loved me again and I leaned on his shoulder and he rubbed my arm until I fell asleep.

A promise, a pun, and a private profession

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Hello again lovelies :)

I just told Harriel about what happened on New Years. I can’t believe how amazing he is. He’s so understanding and caring and protective. I wasn’t planning on saying anything, to anyone. Ever. But I said something that hinted towards what happened and he somehow picked up on it. He picks up on things really fast. that’s another thing that I like about him.
And so I hinted towards it on accident and he was like, “wait… Did you say that happened?”
At first I didn’t know what to say. I wasn’t sure I wanted to tell him about it. Honestly I have been trying not to tell anybody. But I am so close to him, I feel like I can tell him basically anything. So I told him. At first I didn’t know what to say. And my voice was sort of shaky. So I let him ask questions and I answered them all. And when I started crying, he was so sweet and he instantly cheered me up. He always knows how to make me laugh, even when I’m really down. I think that’s one of my favorite things about him. He always knows how to make me smile.
When I told him how I felt, he told me that he knows I might feel that way for a while but he understands. He told me that it wasn’t my fault and he wishes I told him sooner, just so I didn’t have to keep it to myself.
He’s so sweet. I’m glad I have him to talk to, and I know he’ll always be there for me.
The other day he told me that he always wanted to make me happy, no matter what. And I said, “promise?” And he said “promise. :)” I didn’t stop smiling for a long time after that. He asked me why I made him promise, and I told him that I guess it’s just new for someone to want to try to make me so happy, even when he makes me so happy when he’s not even trying.
He’s just really great, Lovelies. Every day I find more and more to love about him.
Well, until next time :) I shall see your sexy faces again soon!

PS: every night we talk on the phone super late, and we have talked for over 24 hours in 5 days :) I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to fall asleep with his voice being the last thing I hear. I only got to see him once over the month of winter break, and I am more than ready for Monday to come; he’s moving back in just a few days!
Okay, for real this time, lovelies. I’m going to bed ;)

My Romantic Life as Told By Taylor Swift

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Hello there lovelies :)

One day I woke up and had an idea. It seems like Taylor Swift has a song for every moment in every sort of relationship and even though I’m not a huge Taylor fan, I decided to be creative. I basically spent hours picking the most relevant lines of lyrics out of her songs and stitching them together to form whatever you call this. If you pretend they aren’t songs and read straight through it, it actually reads like a nice poem that somehow tells my exact story.

So here’s a compilation of lyrics from 20 T-Swizzle songs, basically exactly depicting my romantic history, starting with prom and the nights at the river, moving through falling in love and heartbreak and the painful aftermath, changing into that girl who uses boys and screws with their hearts, and finally starting over with someone new :)

Okay before I show you my absolutely amazing collection that honestly I obsessed over a little bit too much–and I’m sure you’re on the edge of your seat in anticipation of reading it– I have something very exciting to announce.

Me and Harriel made it official :D
*Internal squeals of excitement*
*Trying not to jump up and down like a little girl who just learned she’s going to Disneyland*
*smiling like a fool anyway*

Okay, so I will probably tell you more about it later, but do you understand how exciting this is? Like guys, I have a boyfriend. Like an actual boyfriend. We put a label on it and he doesn’t have another girl in his life and he actually wants to be with me. We are moving back to the dorms in a week and then I can see him every day, and sleep in his arms and walk to class and eat at the (oh-so romantic) cafeteria with him and… I’m just really happy, lovelies.
Okay, I’m done… for now ;)

And the moment you’ve all been waiting for, the long-awaited mashup of Queen Tay Tay’s masterpieces, the sure-to-be-famous mix tape coming to you soon probably never…
I call it, My Romantic Life As Told By Taylor Swift
(I like it better once you get a few songs in. My favorite part is “
Treacherous” to “Enchanted. Alright, don’t judge me, I know this is weird. I almost didn’t share it with you. Okay now enjoy this beautiful piece of artwork. KThanksBye.)

Today Was a Fairytale

Today was a fairytale
I wore a dress
Can you feel there’s magic in the air
It must have been the way
Today was a fairytale

Everything Has Changed

Cause all I know is we said hello
And your eyes looking like coming home
All I know since yesterday
Is everything has changed
And all my walls stood tall painted blue
But I’ll take them down and open up the door for you
So meet me there tonight
and let me know that it’s not all in my mind

Mine

Do you remember we were sitting there by the water
you put your arm around me for the first time
you made a rebel of a careless mans careful daughter

Treacherous

This slope is treacherous
This path reckless
And I like it
I cant decide if it’s a choice
getting swept away

I’d Lie

And if you asked me if I love him
I’d lie

Crazier

I’ve never gone with the wind
Watched from a distance as you
Made life your own
Feels like I’m falling and
I’m lost in your eyes

Superman

And I hang on every word you say
Something about his brown eyes has me saying
He’s not all bad like his reputation
And you’ll leave, got places to be
and I’ll be okay
Don’t forget about me

State of Grace

And I never saw you coming
And I’ll never be the same

Enchanted

The lingering question kept me up
2 AM ‘who do you love?’

Sad Beautiful Tragic

We both wake in lonely beds in different cities
and time is ticking a sweet summer race in you
and you’ve got your demons and darling they look like me
We had a beautiful magic love affair
What a sad beautiful tragic love affair

White Horse

Holding on, the days drag on
Stupid girl, I should have known
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Maybe I was naive,
got lost in your eyes.
I never really had a chance.

Red

Regretting him was like wishing
you never found out love could be that strong
Tell myself it’s time now,
gotta let go
But moving on from him
is impossible
when I still see it all in my head

All Too Well

Oh your sweet disposition
at my wide eyed gaze
We’re singing in the car
and I can picture it after all these days
And I know it’s long gone
there’s nothing else I could do
I forgot about you long enough
to remember why I need you.
Maybe I asked for too much
but maybe this thing was a masterpiece
and you tore it all up.
So casually cruel in the name of being honest
I’d like to be my old self again but I’m still trying to find it
Cause there we are again and I loved you so much
I remember it all too well

I Knew You Were Trouble

I guess you didn’t care, and I guess I liked that.
When I fell hard, you took a step back.
Without me.
I knew you were trouble when you walked in,
So shame on me now.
Flew me to places I never been.
Now I’m lying on the cold hard ground.
Pretend he doesnt know that he’s the reason why
You’re drowning.
He was long gone, when he met me
And I realize the joke is on me.
Then the saddest fear comes creeping in
that you never loved me, or her, or anyone, or anything.

The Story of Us

So many things that I wish you knew
so many walls I can’t break through
now I’m standing alone in a crowded room
and we’re not speaking
and I’m dying to know is it killing you?
I’d tell you I miss you but I don’t know how
I’ve never heard silence quite this loud

We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together

You go talk to your friends,
Talk to my friends, talk to me.

Mean

I just wanna feel okay again

Blank Space

oh my god,
Look at that face, you look like my next mistake
So hey, let’s be friends
I’m dying to see how this one ends
Stolen kisses, pretty lies
Find out what you want
Be that girl for a month
But the worst is yet to come
You can tell me when it’s over
If the high was worth the pain
Cause we’re young and we’re reckless
We’ll take this way too far and leave you breathless
Or with a nasty scar
Cause you know I love the players
And you love the game

Shake it Off

I stay out too late
Go on too many dates
Well that’s what people say
I’m just gonna shake it off.
And to the fellow over there
won’t you come on over closer
We can shake c;

Begin Again

We tell stories and you don’t know why
I’m coming off as a little shy
But I do
I’ve been spending the last eight months
Thinking all love does is break and burn and end
and I almost brought him up
But you start to talk
And for the first time what’s past is past



Well, there you have it lovelies. I was very skeptical about sharing it with you. I know it’s weird but at the same time I sort of think it’s beautiful. Maybe it’s just a personal thing, so I’d be surprised if you read all the way through but if you did, maybe you see the progression of me. I’ve changed a lot throughout all this. Love is stupid. Okay, until next time, I’ll see your sexy faces soon ;D

10 Reasons Hopeless Romantics Aren’t Hopeless After All

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10 Reasons Hopeless Romantics Aren’t Hopeless After All

lillyjane96:

This is so true! Lovelies, this explains me completely.

Originally posted on Single Strides:

I’ve always been known for being emotional. I’ve been told I overthink things, that I overreact to situations, and that I feel too much. I’ve been made to feel as if this full heart of mine was a weakness. I’ve been made to feel as though emotions are my downfall. I’ve been made to feel like I should hide the heart gripping my sleeve.

Well, I hope I speak for all the hopeless romantics out there when I say – they were wrong.

The naysayers with flames instead of fires in their hearts, the pessimists who see reality instead of dreams, the cynics that scowl at hope for the sake of logic… They’re all wrong about us. Because these full, full hearts are just as much a blessing as they are a curse. These full, full hearts that beat with passion are a perfect juxtaposition… and they’re the best things…

View original 716 more words

Blurry Greetings from a Behind the Sunrise

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Hello Lovelies :)

This is a long post, but it’s super important to tell you. Spoiler alert, It’s about my first time getting high. So… here we go ;P
I told you I had so much to tell you, yet I haven’t told you about any of it! I don’t even know where to start… Have I ever told you about Caitlyn?
Caitlyn is my coworker. She is really nice and helpful and she’s my favorite person to work with. She’s always super full of energy and cheerful, except for when she gets high. Then she’s just super chill and focused. I can always tell at work when she’s high because she loves to sweep and she’s really nice to the customers. I have trusted her a lot more than a lot of other people and to be honest, I’m not sure why. I’ve learned some of her secrets and I’ve told her some of mine. This really scares me, because I know her, but I don’t know her. I have trust issues.
Well one day Caitlyn and I were talking about lots of stuff and she asked me if I’ve ever done any drugs and I laughed and was like “No way. Coffee is my drug.” and then I felt really lame because it’s true. I’ve been around lots of it and been really close with so many people with easy access but I’ve always shunned it and secretly put it on my bucket list. And she was like, “Oh my god! Emilyyyy we have to get you high! I am going to get you high!! Will you let me get you high?” And I’m like “welll…. okay.”
Because why not?
This made her super duper excited and her excitement made me pretty nervous. But I was excited too. JP was going to be there, so that was good. Atleast I wouldn’t be alone.
Then Caitlyn told my entire workplace because all of my coworkers and bosses are potheads, and every single person in the place got super excited and wanted to watch me get high (probably to make fun of me). I wasn’t really okay with this because I didn’t know how I was going to act or feel and I hate new situations and new people just make new situations worse. But atleast JP would be there.
Soon we made plans to drink and smoke weed at my boss’s house. Kind of ironic, right? I’ve been invited to her house before to drink, but I decided not to go because I thought hanging out with a bunch of older adults would be awkward. Ha.
So the day came, and JP cancelled. Caitlyn thought I would cancel to, but when I make plans that make me especially nervous I have to stick with them. It was giving me anxiety to go through with it but I would have been super disappointed and wondered what I was missing if I didn’t. You don’t just plan to jump out of a plane and then once your there you think, wait, I want my mom to jump with me. I can’t do this alone, it’s scary. even though you already knew it was scary, I mean its jumping out of a plane.
Anyway, here’s how it went:

So I worked until about 11 pm, went home, showered, changed, and waited for them to pick me up. Partially because I am directionally challenged and couldn’t find the house if I tried in broad daylight, but mostly because they didn’t want me driving home after the activities of the night. They got here and my parents asked where I was going and I said “I’m gonna go hang out with Caitlyn”. Ofcourse this brought out, “Who’s Caitlyn?” because usually my response is “playing cards with Brittney and Bazill” or “getting wings with Bazill and Brittney”. And I just said “she’s a coworker. We are meeting a few people to hang out.” and then I left.
That’s not lying, right?
And Caitlyn drove kind of crazily and played good music really loud and we picked up some drugs from Katia’s friend and some alcohol from Caitlyn’s friend and drove to my boss’s house. The front porch was a mess with kid’s toys but inside there were these cute candles on the walls and a nice tv and a corner couch with a pittbull puppy. His name was blaze and he likes to eat ankles with his razor sharp teeth of his. The carpet was ugly but all I needed was the couch, I guess. We sat down and played with the dog and my boss’s boyfriend turned on some stupid music videos with currently popular party songs that I kind of really hate and my boss handed out some Cranbritas and beers and they started smoking a bong while I watched this girl with really, really beautiful black wavy hair roll the blunts.
Her name was Inez, but I didn’t learn that until much later.
Ofcourse they wanted me to take the first hit but I didn’t know how and I was too scared of embarrassing myself. So I made Inez go first, and instead of watching her reaction, I watched exactly what to do. Like how to sit, how to hold it, how long to breathe. I was terrified of embarrassing myself. And then it was my turn, and I had never smoked anything in my life, and I just did it. Everyone was staring at me and I hated that, but the actual smoking wasn’t bad honestly. I only coughed a little. We passed it around the circle a few times while we drank and I was worried nothing was happening. Was I some sort of weirdo that doesn’t have the ability to get high? Was I doing it wrong? How do you even do it wrong? But I was drinking sort of a lot so atleast that would be something for a night not wasted. (Ha, wasted…)
And it hit me like a fucking freight train.
The first thing I noticed was my heart beating really really loudly and super fast. It was like a humming bird mixed with a jack hammer. And then I looked up and everything was sort of shaking really fast but moving super slow and Jess was holding the blunt in front of me and it was my turn again. I took another couple of hits and handed it to Inez, trying to act natural but then she looked at me and her eyes looked kind of droopy and I giggled. And then I laughed because I was giggling at Inez, even though she wasn’t being funny. And then I laughed because I was laughing, and I forgot what I was laughing about. My legs and arms got so so heavy and I kept looking at Katia (who was drinking way way too much but wouldn’t smoke) and she kept making fun of me but I didn’t care much because I felt amazing. Oh my god, I don’t know how to describe it. My limbs were so, so heavy and I felt like I couldn’t move at all but when I tried to move, I didn’t want to stop moving. I figured it would be better if I didn’t move. Everything sounded kind of hollow and everything blurred when I moved and my heart was beating so fast and I could feel every pulse in my fingertips and in my neck and in the soles of my feet. I was tingly everywhere and I got so sensitive to sound; I could feel the music like vibrations. I could understand and respond to what was going around me, except I felt disconnected and everything happened very slowly. My palms were wavering and I could feel my lungs inflating and deflating. I thought everyone was laughing at me because any time I looked around, they were staring at me or laughing at something I did. Katia kept teasing me until she got too drunk to function.
The music sounded amazing even though it was crap. I got goosebumps from the vibrations. My pinkies felt hot and I could feel everything so heavy. That’s the only way I can describe it. Like all of the sensations were intensified and I could feel everything so much.
I was relaxed and happy and the best part was that I wasn’t stressed or lonely.
I texted JP a few times, just because I was so high and she was supposed to be there. But then I quit talking to her and texted Darion.
For like four hours, I was texting him. Only him.

But then the baby was crying and Katia was puking and everyone was stumbling over her, trying to literally drag her around. I sat limply on the couch feeling like dead weight, wondering how they could move their own bodies let alone try to move hers. She threw up so many times. I felt bad for her, and I felt bad for myself suddenly. Because I was completely high and drunk and could not function and I didn’t have anybody with me and I was so alone. I felt super calm and I still wasn’t stressing about how I was supposed to get home, but now I was utterly lonely. And also fed up with the pathetic scene of a bunch of adults, high af, stumbling over a puking drunk girl who was way too big for them to try to be literally dragging her around.
Well, Darion offered to take me home and I accepted his offer. At the time, I was certain all he wanted was sex, but I had nobody else to turn to. I couldn’t call JP, she probably wouldn’t wake up to help me anyway. She wouldn’t care. I couldn’t call Santiago even if he weren’t in Nebraska with Rebecca. He would probably help me but he would hold it against me for weeks… I want Rebecca and Santiago to see more than the bad decisions that I’m making, and relying on him to take my wasted ass home would not help matters. God knows I couldn’t call my family, even my sister. She’d just reprimand me. I didn’t even think about Michael or Brittney or Bazill or any other friends or aquaintances, though I suppose in a dire situation maybe I could call them.
And besides the fact that I had nobody else, I didn’t want anybody else.
I really need to get over him, and honestly lovelies I’m getting there. If that’s possible.
I can’t describe to you how good it felt for him to care about me enough to take me home. I don’t mean that in a romantic way, like /oh my night in shining armor has come to save me once again/. I mean that in a sort of depressing way like I have very few people in my life that I can trust and who care about me. And he cared about me enough to save me from a bad party and get me home. It sort of restored a little bit of something in me towards other people. I was sort of giving up on that something but now, I see that maybe people really can be caring for me.
We also had sex. I was angry about this for a little while, because who the hell picks up this girl who’s obviously completely wasted and decides, “hey now’s a good time to have sex. It’s not like she’s incapable of making rational decisions or even moving her body normally to walk let alone have sex, but yeah. Now’s a good time.” I felt used. Like he didn’t care about getting me home safely afterall, and I was just a body to him.
But I was going through texts with him and apparently I wanted it. What with all the tingly feelings everywhere and the music vibrations and all of the heightened sensations, I was horny and lonely and telling him all about it. I think he was thinking about my well being, seeing that I was basically alone in the crowded room and also very drunk and high with nobody to take me home except other very drunk and high coworkers…and sex just came with all of that, too. I really do think he cared more than just sex. I hope I’m not wrong when I think he’s more than that. I have the idea in my head that he is a super loving person and he genuinely cares about basically everyone in his life, and when it comes to me I’m no different.
This makes me feel a lot less special. I wish he felt protective and loving to only a few people, namely me, so I could feel special. Because I want his exclusive love. But that is exceptionally selfish and also impossible. Because he spreads his love so far that it seems sometimes that his love is spread thin, and that’s how his reputation came about. People don’t like it when they don’t get all of something they want. They don’t like it when they see others having pieces of what they want. Everybody has a small piece of his heart, and they don’t like looking around and realizing that everybody else does, too. In reality, his love isn’t spread thin. He just has a lot of love to give. But I’m digressing.

My coworkers have bragged about me since then. Apparently I spoke when I was under the influence, though I don’t remember saying a word. Apparently I pointed at Jessica’s son and was like, “It keeps staring at me” and I pointed at Inez and was like “Who even is she? What’s your name? You are really beautiful” (This is when I apparently learned her name. I’m not sure how I remember it now haha…) which apparently offended the pretty lady. Katia says she didn’t want to be pointed at. Oops. And Caitlyn says I got sentimental on her and was like, “You know, you are like my best. friend. Well, not my best friend. But I like you. You’re a great coworker. I think your my best coworker friend.” which sounds like something I would babble if I let myself open my mouth. Katia is upset that she isn’t my best coworker friend. Well Katia, maybe if you were nicer and helped me out once in a while, you could be my good cowerer friend. Not my best though. That’s reserved for the ones I trust to get me high, apparently.
I’ve been typing for an hour and a half. I started basically right when I woke up, even though the sun hadn’t even come up yet. And now the sun is rising behind the heavy clouds and fog and my room sort of looks light grey instead of black. This is a long one (2517 words! :o), Lovelies, and I’d be sort of amazed if you’ve gotten this far. But thanks for reading! I’ll see your sexy faces next time :D

So it was 4am and I didn’t send it

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So it’s 4am and I can’t sleep
And I don’t know what I want to say to you but I know I want to talk to you.
And I want to tell you how amazing I think you are, just for talking to me and taking me home.
And I want to tell you how nice it made me feel when you called me Em.
And I want to ask you why? But then I don’t even know if you would know.
And I want to tell you that I really like your hair and your poncho. Totes adorbs.
But then I was thinking and it seemed like you didn’t want to talk to me. Or you’re busy with your own thoughts or games or something.
And then I was thinking it would be weird to babble at 4 am to anyone, let alone you.
And I was thinking you’ll think I’m looking too far into everything like I always do.
But then I was thinking why not send it anyway?

So hey. Thanks again and all that. It really means a lot because I’ve been feeling really really alone.

Hello lovelies :)
I posted this and then deleted it and now I’m posting it again.
I mean it’s just me rambling to him. And I never sent it. But it feels like it needs to be sent somewhere, and it’s sort of poetic in its own way. Thanks for reading, lovelies :) I’ll see your sexy faces next time! I have so much to tell you :)

I’m basically poisonous

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Hello again lovelies :)
I finally asked Michael why he chased after me that night. I’ve been missing him and feeling guilty as hell and I had been trying to figure out why it started in the first place, out of nowhere, in that parking lot.
I remember I was flirting a lot. I like to flirt, and I had just delivered Darions shoes and charger to him at his work. Then I sat down with some of his friends because they are cool people and I had nothing better to do. I was feeling kind of lonely. This boy was speaking in a russian accent and I just thought that was so cool. So I stayed and talked with them and we joked around and I felt like I was friends with them for years. I jokingly grabbed the malt vinegar bottle of the table and told him to chug it, and was shocked when he instantly grabbed it and took a swig. He almost died from gagging and choking on that poison that I told him to ingest, but that was when I knew I wanted to keep talking to this guy. He was fun and unique and awkward in the good kind of awkward that makes you laugh because it’s just so awk. And we seemed to have similar senses of humor and he seemed smart and that’s basically all I need for a good friend (or more). I was getting tired and wanted to go home, so I regretfully announced my departure. He said something about planning something with tristan and how was he supposed to get a hold of me? I felt my face turn cute and I said “oh smooth, I guess now you just -have- to get my phone number”
Sometimes I do that without trying. I pick up guys by being my naturally beautifully awkward sarcastic but serious, lonely and desperate yet independent intelligent self.
He and Tessa were like “….wut” so I got up and left with a swing of my hips and a flip of my hair. I couldn’t tell if I drastically failed and I walked all the way to my car thinking Id probably never see this great guy again. But then I heard the bell on the door and shoes hitting the pavement and a voice saying
“Wait! Emily, Wait…”
And I smiled and turned around, feeling awkward now but relieved and excited. We exchanged numbers and I put his name as Anerican Gishman because I don’t think anybody told me his name and autocorrect failed me, and he put mine as Emily Vinegar. And we exchanged a few more awkward words and I drive home with a smile on my face.
He even put the poison in my name.

I finally asked him why he chased after me that day, and he said it was because I made him happy that day, happier than he’d been in a long time. I don’t think it’s just that. Maybe he liked my sense of humor and brains. Maybe he liked my hips and my hair and my boobs. But I think maybe it was because he’d gotten used to taking the poison from another girls hands, and now I was there making him happy as he took it from mine.

Thanks for reading, lovelies! I will see your sexy faces next time!