Muddy Waters

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When you look into a body of water – be that a puddle, a river, or a pond – you will see a reflection of some nature. The quality and clarity of the reflection and the ease of seeing the contents of the body of water depend on the cleanliness and translucence of the water. Take the glacier-formed lake Chelan in Washington, for example; Lake Chelan is the 3rd deepest lake in the US. It is so deep that the house-sized (or larger) boulders and sunken trees hundreds of feet below look like twigs and pebbles just under your toes. It’s almost eerie how clearly you can see to the very depths of the lake. You can see everything if you care to look.

Things like rivers though, they are always changing (queue Pocahontas). One day they could be dirty, some naturally always are. Others seem pristine until you take a step in and stir up a cloud of dirt, muddying the water for minutes or more until the disturbed dust settles. Of course, adding mud to even the clearest waters makes things harder. The water gets murky. It’s more difficult to see what your looking for, or if there is anything /to/ see. Things get messy.

Sometimes, all you can do is wait for the mud to settle.

Today, I spent five hours with Darion. How can that be, you ask? How is it possible when I had cut him out, lost all connections, deliberately ignored him for weeks? Well, Lovelies. That is a story on it’s own, but here’s the summary: There is a loophole to everything and I am a weak-willed hopeless romantic. I found out that blocking someone’s iPhone /number/ does not necessarily block that same person’s iPhone /email/ ID, thus leaving the door of communication cracked open.
And ofcourse, I kept it that way. Because I am not 100% morally sound and I think that no matter how hard I try, it will be impossible to fully eradicate those feelings. Firsts are big, and he will always be my first (almost) everything.

Anyway… He’s been talking to me more. He doesn’t like how so many people are getting cut out of his life and lost, plus he hasn’t had sex in a while. He’s romantically and sexually frustrated and I am on his list of options for these problems. Mostly the latter, I assume, though the former may play a role there somehow. Basically, he wants to feel those things again, and he’s trying to use me to feel them.
So he’s been texting me and he asked me to give him a ride from work and I did. Because today was my day off and I was just spending it reading anyway. Why not? (besides the possibility of something happening…) So I did and then he invited me to hang out. Maybe shower together (I politely declined), get snow cones (I politely accepted), maybe drive around a bit (I also accepted this, leading to the real fun).
Now we drove around for a while. We ended up out on the country roads, turning at random, almost making it to a nearby tiny town before inevitably getting stuck in the mud. Just my luck, getting stuck in the middle of nowhere with the one person in town that I really shouldn’t be stuck in the middle of nowhere with. And who could I call? My dad? That would turn out well… He honestly wants to kill Darion. Or at least severely injure him. Plus I did not want to face the repercussions of what he would think of or say to me about my poor decisions.

It took hours of -playing-in-the-mud- fruitless effort to un-stick Carlotta from the mud and deliberating on whether or not to call my dad (who has very strong feelings about Darion) to rescue us or call AAA to be charged $300+ to rescue us, before we saw a truck conveniently rumbling down the road towards us. A nice ex-Texan with a strong accent stopped and talked to us, and offered to pull us out if we gave him time to go get the chains or whatever. We honestly didn’t have a choice, but if we did, he was the best one.
It took about another hour, but finally the very friendly cowboy pulled us out of the mud and we were home free. He wouldn’t accept any money from us, but accepted our sincere “thank you”s.

But lovelies, here’s the part that I’ve been avoiding: I kissed him. Well, I let him kiss me. I don’t know, I guess both. He was tempting me all day, manipulating my feelings. He knows what he was doing, he even talked about it. He explained how he likes to hook and tease feelings and play with emotions and desires, all the while demonstrating on me. He finds your weaknesses and plays on them. He knows that singing with me is a quick way to lower my walls. He knows that being open emotionally in turn opens me up too. He knows just where to brush lightly or what to say to turn me on, and it works. I knew what he was doing, and I resisted for hours. But then, out there in the middle of nowhere, with the sun shining and the wind blowing and the trees and birds and long grass all dancing around us, with hours to spare and tension growing… He got closer to me and ended up on top of me as I leaned against my car. He ran his fingers along my neck, he ran his nails up my back, his breath gave me goosebumps as he kissed my neck. He gazed into my eyes. He teased me. He kissed me.

The whole time I gently stopped him, saying that it was wrong, that I have a boyfriend, that I shouldn’t, that he was being bad. I was being bad too. I didn’t try to stop him enough. I didn’t resist my feelings enough. I know what he does, and I let myself fall for it. But I did finally push him away and said, “I think you should stop now.” It was awkward, and he kept trying afterwards. But I didn’t. We got rescued, I dropped him off, and later when we met at a restaurant so I could return his forgotten wallet, he hugged me. I didn’t appreciate that- anyone could have seen. Even though a hug could just be a hug. He is still texting me inappropriately, and I try not to egg him on.

The thing is, the waters were finally clearing with me and Harriel. A bit of dirt got thrown in recently (I might tell you sometime, it has to do with his ex…) but now, at least for me, the clearing water has turned to mud. Darion always mucks up my relationship it seems. I don’t know whether I should tell Harriel about today. He doesn’t even want me texting him, let alone spending hours with him… or kissing him…
I don’t think I can tell him.

I guess now I just have to try not to stir up anymore dirt and try to let the mud settle.

Cliche Post About Love

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Hello lovelies :)

Sometimes you look at someone and for a moment you everything in the background stops and all you think is, “God how could I be so lucky?” And you have to just quietly enjoy the feeling, and try to soak up the moment as much as you can. You can’t help but smile and think to yourself just how happy and how completely in love you are with this man.
Every time I look at harriel, this is how I feel. Like he’s all I need, and all I want, and being with him makes me feel wonderful.
It’s random moments- when we are walking back from the caf and he slides his fingers through mine and I look up at him and his eyes crinkle in his smile, when we are laying next to each other just talking about anything and there’s a pause in the conversation and we both just look at each other and then he leans in to kiss me, when he says something cheesy or teases me and we both laugh and then we keep laughing and in the middle of this laughter I look over at him and recognize just how handsome he is. Sometimes we will be doing absolutely nothing and I just get this feeling like, “wow this guy is so amazing. I love him so much.”
It’s hard to put my feelings into words this time… It’s just this feeling. Like a tug on my heart when I look at him. It’s a beautiful feeling- to admire and appreciate somebody’s existence so much. To have someone that makes you as happy as harriel does me. I am so lucky to be with him. I can’t imagine anything better, or anything without him.
Well lovelies, I’ve tried to pour a bit of my heart out to you. It’s hard for me to express exactly how lucky and loved I feel, but God, it’s so amazing. It’s sort of how I feel about you all ;) I’m so lucky to have you all as readers, and it’s a wonderful feeling to know you guys are actually put there, reading my blog. Anyway, until next time. I’ll see your sexy faces again soon ;D

Staring into the sun

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Like the child that touches the hot stove to see if it’s hot,

Or the kid that stares into the sun when they are told they could go blind,

I stared straight into your eyes and reached for your heart.

I should have known how untouchable you are. I should have known you were too bright to see.

I should have listened when they said I’d get burned.

Why hello there lovelies :)
I happened to be walking with harriel across campus today–it was cloudy but still bright, the way cloudy days are sometimes. We were holding hands and laughing and joking. I’m not sure what about, but I know he makes me so, so happy, Lovelies. Anything I could say about him would be so cliche, yet absolutely true. Anywho, I heard a bird near us and watched it fly from the lake into the sky. But as it took flight, it flew straight into the path of the sun. For an instant, it’s shadow blocked the bright rays but the next second I was blinded. I was stunned of course and Harriel asked me if I was okay. I tried to look at him but I was blinded. In that moment, I realized just how metaphorical it all was. Because I’ve been blinded by love before, I’ve been burned.
So here’s a random poem- the result of that sudden inspiration. Thanks for reading lovelies, I’ll see your sexy faces next time :)

Now I Know Why They Call Them ‘Heartstrings’

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Hello Lovelies :)
Cutting strings; in theory, strings are thin and weak- easy to break, tear, cut. In reality, sometimes those strings are tied to something vital, like your heart. Those are harder to cut. It’s almost sure to cause irreparable damage.
I finally cut ties last night. I’ve been avoiding it, trying to fade away instead of break off. But Harriel has been wanting me to completely stop talking to Darion, and yesterday he saw me texting him a lot (because some drama was unfolding again), and so he told me to block him. And so I did. Because I want Harriel to understand that I love him, only him. And if I’m with him, I guess I don’t need Darion.

It’s just hard. Because I miss Darion, and he showed me a glimpse of how things used to be, how things could be. We laughed and sang and talked. Even after months of trying to ignore him and let him live his life, and let me live mine, it was so easy to just let him walk back into mine–it almost felt like it never happened. I felt comfortable with him so quickly.
But then I could tell he wanted more than just a friend to talk and sing and laugh with. I could tell he wanted to kiss, to touch. He kept alluding to sexual encounters, planting ideas of doing more. That’s what he does- he does and says just the right things to make me think and do the things he’d like. He makes me remember feelings and good times, so that I want to make more. Even though he knows I have a boyfriend. And he should know by now that I’m terrified of being used again, because that’s all anybody ever does, they use me.

And that’s what I was telling him over one very long ranty text message when Harriel came back from his theatre rehearsal. He could tell I was upset, and then when I told him that I gave Darion a ride and hung out at his house for a little while, he got a bit paranoid. And he got a bit angry. He was stuck between trying to comfort me and give me sound advice about Darion, and being upset about different scenarios he was seeing in his head. I assured him that nothing happened, and when Darion replied with just the right words to convince me that I mean /something/ to him, that I am actually the one that hurts -him- with my doubts, Harriel assured me that everything Darion tells me is basically a lie. I still want to believe that everything he does isn’t to use me, but I have so much proof stacked against him. I don’t think he’ll ever change.

And so, as I was distraught over all the drama of “does he care or not?”, in my moment of weakness with strong words being whispered in my ear, Harriel deleted Darion’s number from my phone, blocked his number, and told me that I should block him from everything else, too. I wanted to save my last two messages to him, just to remember why I was doing it, but Harriel told me that I should just forget about it. So before he left to take his shower and go to bed, he watched as I slowly cut each thread to Darion, deleting him, unfollowing him, and blocking everything.

It hurt. I still have stupid emotional attachments to him. I wish I didn’t. My head screams, “forget about him”; my heart whispers, “but you loved him”. So cutting all ties with him hurts. I want to know what he has to say to me. I want to have boring idle chat with him. I’d like to keep him as a friend. That’s why it’s been so hard for me to try to ignore him. Harriel doesn’t like that it hurts me. He doesn’t like knowing that I still have some feelings for Darion besides hate. He wants me to hate Darion as much as he must–it would all be so much easier if I did. But I can’t. I don’t know how some people can just drop others out of their lives so easily.
Harriel also said that if Darion tries to talk to me, just to let him take care of it so that I don’t have to be involved with him anymore. And as I was shedding a few tears over blocking Darion out of my life, he told me, “and I don’t recommend blogging about it.” He knows Darion can read my blog. But I need an outlet, I can’t just hold all this inside. And in some sort of way, I guess I’m reaching out to Darion, too.
I want to undo it. I don’t like dropping anybody out of my life. I give so many second chances because I have so much forgiveness. Or ignorance, maybe that’s it. I don’t know.
But then maybe this is a good thing. Maybe everything will be easier this way.

Until next time, Lovelies :) I’ll see your sexy faces again soon!

Quick College Complaint

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Hello again Lovelies,

I’m going to complain again today, because this is my blog and I can write whatever I need to write to get my thoughts out. Sorry Lovelies, I guess I’m being a bit selfish today. I’ll try to be better soon.

I’m currently sitting in my bed, smelling Chenxi’s strangely odored noodles, listening to her melodramatic Chinese movies, with her three unnecessary lamps shining right into my eyes. The window is open and it’s too cold but her food stinks. Also I miss my boyfriend but his roommate is moody and doesn’t like coming home from work and finding me there hanging out in his room. Harriel’s only like ten feet away but I can’t see him. And he got into playing League of Legends, so now he spends lots of time doing that. I’m tired of that game. And Ryan is in the lobby singing happy songs on his guitar and I want to sit out there but I’m already bra-less and wearing Harriels shirt as pajamas and also I’m socially awkward so I guess I’ll just sit here venting about how I don’t like dorm life anymore.

Also I missed a day of my birth control so my stupid uterus thought it was time to start murdering itself, even though I have a week left. Which means by the time this fake period ends, the real one will start up. Yay, double menstruation! Let’s hope I don’t bleed to death. Only morbidly half-joking. Sorry lovelies, I’m in a weird funk today.

Alright, maybe next time I write it will be meaningful.

Sayonara, I’ll see your sexy faces next time :)

I’m Bummed and Bored and I Miss Having a Best Friend

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Hello there Lovelies :)

I was going to write a beautiful post about how happy I am with Harriel and how lucky I am to have him and tell you about some things we’ve done recently, but I’m feeling really bummed about lots of other stuff right now and I just need to get it out.

Okay, so I’m in college. And sometimes, I absolutely love it. I love the independence, I love that I can choose my own classes and figure out what I’m doing in life, I love the sense of responsibility and I like taking walks on campus and last semester I liked finding parties and flirting with all the boys and everything. College.

But right now, I just really really miss high school. I miss seeing the people that I’ve seen since kindergarten every day. I miss hating the preppy barbie doll girls and I miss breezing through all of my classes like I somehow intrinsically knew every single thing. Like physics. How did I ever know all that crap without ever looking at the board or in a book??
But mostly, I just miss my best friend.
I miss being with my best friend for like, 12 hours of every day. I miss spending most weekends with her. I miss basically being a part of her family. I miss the daily schedule of seeing people at school and doing homework and always talking to her about everything. I miss all the teachers that loved us because we were smart even though we screwed around in class. I miss being weird with her and always laughing. I miss breaking all the rules and getting away with it because the teachers knew us. I miss being asked “where’s Rebecca” anytime she wasn’t right next to me, because she was always next to me. I miss doing everything with her.

If there’s such a thing as platonic soul mates, that’s us. We were the most inseparable twins. She is me. I miss her.
If she were a boy, I’d sound like an obsessive ex-girlfriend. It’s not crazy to miss your best friend like this, right?

Ugh. I’m just sad and lonely now.

I’m also bummed because I don’t have any friends and I do the same thing, over and over, every day. My whole life is routine. I didn’t even know we had a vending machine in our building or that there was a building connected to my building, because I never go outside of my regular path to class, lunch, homework, shower, sleep. I’m not involved in anything, I don’t talk to or see people ever. I just want to hang out with people and do fun things every once in a while.

I’m sorry for complaining, lovelies. I know these posts never go anywhere. I could probably keep going about how I’m lonely, but until next time, I shall bid you adieu.
So long, farewell…
Haha well I’ll see your sexy faces next time (when hopefully I’ll be back to my more meaningful, perhaps poetic posts) ;D

Porcelain

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Lovelies, it seems as though everybody acts like I’m this pristine piece of porcelain– Untouched, smooth, white, simple and pretty.

Some people want to add a little design, a little color, but at the same time they don’t want to mar me.
So I try to decorate myself, I put myself with colorful glass vases, bright plastic cups with geometric designs. It seems they’ve been everywhere, tasted so many drinks. Been touched by the brushes of so many artists with so many colors.
And maybe I end up with a few cracks but maybe that’s really just texture.
Then again, you never know how bad a crack is until the jar is broken.
I’ve had a few chips taken out. I’ve felt shattered. But others still see me as clean and fragile, some don’t want me to be changed at all.
I kind of like that. They see me as innocent. Sweet. It means they look at me as something to protect and admire. It means they’ve looked at me and cared to judge my innocence and ignorance and sweetness and simplicity. The smooth grains of my porcelain jar are still beautiful to them.
But then there’s also that moment when I can feel them about to connect with me or say something, invite me to something, tell me about something. But they hold back. There’s always something behind that hesitation, and then they shake their head and say “maybe I shouldn’t tell you” or “we are corrupting you.” Or my favorite, 
“I wouldn’t want to change you.”

The Last Time I Cried

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Lovelies, the last time I cried was for myself.

I’m not sure how I feel about that. Does it make me weak? Selfish?
Probably.

The last time I cried, he told me the truth.
In retrospect, I knew it already; he only confirmed it.
It was when I asked him about her, and him, and me.

He was quiet,
And then he said:

“I lied.”

I listened, and he revealed.

It’s because I’ve made the same mistake again– that mistake I told him about; the one he didn’t want me to know I was making.
He didn’t want me to know that he was using me the same was they used me before. He didn’t want me to know he was cheating on her with me… and then on me with her.

I try not to think about the feeling of betrayal. Not just that it happened- I’ve dealt with that before. But that he lied so many times, especially when I specifically asked him.
I want to believe he’s not like the others.

Please, prove me right.

Compunction and Unease

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Darion texted me about the last time we had sex, which was after that party where I got high for the first time.
Harriel saw the texts, and got really quiet. I tried to ask him what’s wrong but he sat there staring at nothing and said, “hadn’t we already started having sex by then?” Meaning, “we were already a thing, we had feelings for each other, and you fucked another guy”. I could see water collecting on the brim of his eyes. There was too much to say. I wanted to explain everything all at once but in that moment I knew nothing I could say would make it better. So I nodded my head and waited for him to ask another question. why?
He didn’t ask. I stopped texting Darion and started panicking. The dull throb of guilt that has been in my chest since that night woke up again and overwhelmed me. My throat tightened and burned. I wanted to tell him everything.
So I tried to start. “Last year, after the house party at my boss’s house I was pretty drunk and very high and I was alone and had no way home. So I called Darion and we… He took me home.”
“And you had sex.” He didn’t ask, he stated.
“Yes… But harriel I need you to understand-”
“-I mean I guess we didn’t put a label on it then so it doesn’t matter…” He wiped his cheek, a tear I didn’t catch.
“We didn’t put a label on it but I still cared about you, we still meant something to me.”
He was silent. I know he would be confused, angry. And I felt guilt. So much guilt. And that disgusting feeling I had when I woke up the next morning, that feeling of being nothing but some dirty object to be used, came back. He wouldn’t understand if I tried to tell him- he’d probably think I was making excuses. But I tried anyway.
“Harriel, I have to say something. I don’t expect you to believe me or understand and I want you to know that I’m not trying to make excuses… But that night yes I had sex with him but I was drunk and high and I know that’s no excuse but I don’t even remember wanting to have sex with him. I barely remembered it happened… He didn’t even tell me when I asked him the next day. I think… I’m… He took advantage of me. After it happened I was just confused and angry and I don’t know what else to tell you besides how I feel so completely used.”
He was quiet for a long time, and I regretted telling him that. I didn’t want to change the blame or make him feel sorry for me. I don’t know why I wanted to tell him about all that. Now he probably thought I was stupid or something. He was probably just even more disgusted with me. I couldn’t stand his silence anymore, and his face looked so hurt.
“Do you want me leave you alone now?”
He shook his head and wiped another silent tear. You couldn’t tell he was crying if he didn’t give it away by wiping his cheek.
“What’re you thinking?” I touched his shoulder and he didn’t pull away, but I drew my hand back to my lap.
“I don’t know. I don’t know what to think.”
I shook my head, disgusted with myself, angry at Darion, feeling guilty and frantically wishing I could take it all back, take back that night, take back the pain I was causing Harriel.
All I wanted was to hug him and lean on his shoulder- the shoulder that I felt so comfortable cuddling into, that suddenly felt off limits and unfamiliar. I wanted to soak up all of the pain from his body so that I could take it instead of causing it for him. I wanted to make everything better.
He spoke again, this time I could hear a catch in his throat. “I want you to know that I don’t think less of you and I don’t blame you for anything… And I love you.”
I realized then that I was crying because my voice was stuck on the lump on my throat and I wiped my eyes. “I love you too.”
I hugged him and apologized so many times, each time he said “it’ll be okay… It’ll be okay”. I kept shaking my head. How could it be okay? I can’t take back what happened, I can’t fix his trust or heal the pain I caused him. But then he kissed away the tears on my cheek and said he loved me again and I leaned on his shoulder and he rubbed my arm until I fell asleep.