I love him. He loves her. We care about eachother. They care about eachother. Does he love me? Does she love him? He’s kind of put himself in the same situation that I’ve put myself in. Just a little different. She hurts him, but he loves her. He hurts me, but I love him. I always seem to he waiting for him to remember he cares about me, too. I always have this doubt that he’s just using me as a safety net. Or just using me for sex. Caring only because he feels like he has to, because I’m lonely. Or that he’s pretending, maybe he’s even fooled himself.
Another draft I found, and decided to share. I’ve sort of been hiding these, because they are so negative, full of doubt. But here you go lovelies 🙂 See your sexy faces soon!
It’s weird to think about how fast things change and how far we’ve come. If anybody told me that night of prom or any day before, that I would fall in love with you, I would have laughed and called them crazy. I’m so glad life twisted and turned my way to you. You’ve taught me so much.
You have taught me that breaking the rules is exciting and usually worth it, if you have the right reason. That it is important to think before you act, and that I need to work on thinking before acting while under the influence of strong emotions. That I like lip biting and my neck is sensitive and kissing is great and sex is fun. That there is more than a few ways to have fun. That meeting new people is fun. That cliches are the best way to live life; in wonderful little perfect moments and truths. You’ve taught me to flip a coin, because no matter the result, you’ll always discover which one you want more- the chance you’d be disappointed you didn’t take. You’ve taught me to take chances, to go for what you want, to keep reaching until you’ve got it. That even when life puts you in the hardest places, you can pick yourself up and go for it. That doing what you love is all you should do. That some things are really hard, and life isn’t fair; but some things are worth a little pain. That basses are sexier than tenors and there’s a whole lot of music that I have never explored. That I am bad at exploring but getting lost with someone you love is just as good as actually going somewhere. You’ve taught me that you should treasure every person and value every moment you have, because some infinities are bigger than other infinities. That falling in love is wonderfully and terribly involuntary. That there are so many different kinds of love. That sometimes, love sucks. But mostly, love is the most important and amazing human-made concept that you could ever imagine to completely control your life. That I’ve never loved and I never will love anyone the way I love you.
I don’t even know if I’m allowed to say that, but it’s true. I love you for everything you are, even your dark side. You’re beautiful eyes and lips and hair, your intelligence and your drive and passion, your giant heart, your selfless compassion, generosity. You are my first everything, and I will always love you. I’m glad that You gave me all my firsts and I gave you what I could. I will always wish that our little infinity was larger.
It’s another draft that I hid from you, lovelies. Forgive me ❤ As always, thanks for reading. I hope to see your sexy faces next time 🙂
Thanks for spending the entire day with me, I enjoyed it. I didn’t mean to be so withdrawn today, I just kept thinking about how I’m leaving and won’t get to see you. I’m going to miss you so much. Each weekend is hard, and now it’s going to be a month. Add to that, you will be with Ashley. I know it’s selfish but I don’t like knowing that you’ll have all this time seeing her and not me. And I know I’ve said it before but I’m afraid of fading. Maybe it’s wrong to think a month will change anything, but still I am afraid. And yet I think maybe it’s best that we have a month apart. For you and Ashley to set things straight without me being in the way. Because we both know that in the end, she is who you want to be with. That is the hardest thing in the world to admit and reading it makes me ache deep down. I want what’s best for you, I want you to be happy. Even if that means forgetting about me and being with her… I just hope that even though your heart belongs to her, you save a little piece for me. Because you are my first everything and you will always have a big piece of my heart, no matter what happens.
Well. I found this in my drafts and I decided to post it. I guess I just felt defeated. The whole situation is really hard, but I don’t feel like I did that day anymore.
Thanks for reading lovelies, I shall see your sexy faces again soon!
Hello again lovelies 🙂 Just an update from the Northwest.
Well I have been in Washington for a week now. I have mostly watched movies with my family, but I also drove up to Mt. St. Helens, visited Redondo beach, and ate at lots of cool restaurants. I’m having a pretty good time.
It’s been twelve days since my last day with Darion. I would just like to say, it is so hard. Usually, I am just home sick and I miss my family and Rebecca. But this time, I feel like I left a piece of me in Kansas, because that’s where Darion is. I miss him more than anything. I think about him all the time. Every time I go anywhere, I think “wow, this would be amazing if Darion was here,” or “Darion would absolutely love this!” Like, exploring Seattle with him would be so much fun. Eating at these fun restaurants, or going to the mountains or the beach, or just playing games with my sisters; all of it seems like we would enjoy it together. And every night, I wish he was here laying next to me. I miss cuddling… I miss everything.
Lately things have been a little weird between me and him. I feel a little more disconnected than usual. He’s been real down and as usual I wish I could fix it, but I don’t really know how. And I upset him again. He’s been feeling used and I accidentally added to that. I didn’t mean to, of course. I wasn’t trying to use him or anything. But that’s how he felt and I feel bad for it.
We talk on the phone most days though, which is really great. Hearing his voice is my favorite part of the day. And then there’s texting… even though my dad gets mad if he notices me looking at my phone screen instead of the TV screen. My dad is kind of a control freak and doesn’t let me use the wifi unless he knows what I’m using it for, doesn’t tell me where we are eating dinner until we are there, doesn’t want me to talk to anybody except the family at any point in time that I am with them, and of course he wants me to spend every moment I have with them.
Anyway, I have a busy couple of weeks ahead of me. We are playing at Bulwinkle’s tomorrow, which, as far as I know, is a big arcade. And then we are going sea kayaking, and then camping, and white water rafting, and going to lake Chelan, and to the mountains, and to this little town with lots of cool shops in it, and to the beach… I’m excited 🙂
Well, talk to you soon lovelies 🙂 I will see your sexy faces next time.
It’s what moves us forward, when all we want to do is stay where we are. It’s what makes moving forward possible, what gets us to the next step. Transitions are important.
That doesn’t mean they are easy.
Today I went to an enrollment day which was absolute hell. I stood in line with people I did not want to stand with. I sat with people I did not want to sit with for four hours. I watched multiple boring videos about things I already knew or didn’t want to know. But finally, I enrolled for college classes and I got my student ID!
Honestly, the whole day should have lasted about an hour at most- with personal meetings with advisers and everything. I guess I’m not officially even finished yet, because I have to change my schedule (again) because my adviser didn’t advise. Anything. The boy that I sat next to, Elijah, was infinitely more helpful than my “adviser”. He was a chem major, a transfer student with an Associates degree already. He loves science.
Hey, I love science too.
So I flirted with my first college boy. I mean, it wasn’t FLIRTING because it was really mild, you know? Like, I can hard-core flirt, or I can just casually flirt. Well it’s not like I wanted Elijah to contact me outside of enrollment, it’s just fun to flirt. And he was really friendly and fun. Before he finished enrolling and left me to wait on my adviser alone, he was the only good 30 minutes out of the whole six or seven hour day that I thoroughly despised.
I really am excited for this transition to college though. I’m sort of scared. I want to be involved and meet people, but I’m not living on campus. And I don’t know any clubs to join. I am thinking of joining a sorority because they do fun things and there’s lots of people to meet and parties to go to… But I’m not really THAT kind of girl… am I? I guess I could be if I wanted. I don’t know.
So I’m enrolled in college. I’m going to Washington in three days, and yesterday was my last day with Darion until I come back. That is one transition that hurts a little bit too much to talk about right now. Going to Washington is always a fun transition though, I get to suddenly be a whole different person in a whole different place with totally different people. It’s so much easier to do anything I want there, because it’s only for a month. I like to make the most of my time there. When I’m not at home, I talk to e v e r y b o d y. Okay, maybe mostly boys. What else can you expect? I’m in a new place with attractive people and the knowledge that no matter what stupid things I do there, it can’t follow me home. Some transitions are so much fun 😀
I’ve noticed transitions may be the most important part of life. It’s what everybody recognizes: the first word, the first step, the first days of school, turning 15/16 or 18 or 21, graduating, going to college. Transitions may be the most amazing thing a person can go through.
Thanks for reading lovelies 🙂 I know this one was a little all over the place. And long. But I’m working on it. I’m just a little all over the place myself these days. I hope to see your sexy faces again next time ;D
Hello Lovelies 🙂
I’ve decided I need to start writing less. Since the beginning of my blog, my posts have gotten larger and larger. I just dump out more of my thoughts each time and it is snowballing out of control. But not today, no sir. Today I’m going to talk about dogs.
Dogs are nice. Cats are better, but dogs are so dumb and lovable.
Yesterday I went to my sister’s apartment to walk her dog, Sasha. Lately I’ve been taking care of her since Jessi has been working really long shifts, often until midnight.
As some of you may know, I am severely directionally challenged. Even if I was familiar with her neighborhood, I could end up turning right instead of left. But I’m not familiar with any neighborhood. So I sort of just walk anywhere, hoping I can find my way back if I just keep going in a circle. Usually this works.
Unfortunately, I also had to avoid other dogs because though Sasha is friendly and just likes to play, the other dogs might not be so nice. There was a schnauzer on a front lawn of the corner I had to turn at, so I walked one more block than I wanted to. Then there were two people walking dogs, so I crossed to the other side of the road and tried to get back on my circle. It didn’t work. I ended up way further than I thought. So I calculated a return route in my head, and decided to just walk the other direction on This Road until I find That Road because at least then I would know where I was.
Bad decision. This Road has many, many dogs. Not on leashes. Not in fences.
I had to fight off three dogs. The first was a stupid ankle biting chihuahua that really meant business. I thought I could just move it away, but it kept biting me and Sasha’s legs and it wouldnt stop running circles around us so I couldn’t catch it. I ended up kicking it. I feel horrible, who kicks dogs? Really horrible people, that’s who.
So I kicked the dog and started back on my walk, now paranoid for small yippity ankle biters. I hear a yell to my left, turn around, and suddenly two very large dogs are bounding towards me. I grab sasha, putting her body between my legs and holding her by the chest with one arm while turning so my body is between her and the dogs, putting my arm out at the other dogs, trying to keep them back. The owner of these two dogs runs over, yelling and screaming at Gizmo, who is running and attacking the chihuahua who has miraculously reappeared. I am just trying to fend off this brown and white dog, who has it’s ears back and it’s teeth out and I just know it’s about to attack me. But I stay in between him and Sasha because I don’t want a dog fight. I’d rather be bitten by a dog than Sasha get in a fight.
The dog starts circling to the right, so I spin myself again, still restraining Sasha. The stupid chihuahua comes over and I kick at it again because I can’t deal with this. Finally the woman grabs Gizmo by the collar and drags him towards us (not a good idea…) and he slips out of the collar and charges. I don’t know how I did it but I ended up using my body to push Sasha back, one leg to push Gizmo, and my arms to hold the mean dog, who tried to bite me multiple times. I don’t know how I came out alive.
Soon the owner of the two dogs ran over, still yelling. She somehow grabs a dog in each arm and stumbles back across the street to her back yard.
Then the owner of the chihuahua strolls over, looking like he’s about to fall asleep. He’s been next door in the front yard all along, tinkering with his barbecue, not bothering to care about the chaotic canine fiasco right in front of him. I despise him because I almost got mauled by two large dogs while his stupid chihuahua bit my ankles, and he couldn’t be bothered to assist in anyway.
So that’s how my day went 🙂
Okay so I failed at keeping the post as short as I would like. But thanks for reading, I shall see your sexy faces next time!
Hello again lovelies 🙂
Well the titles says most (I would say all, but it doesn’t include emotionally distraught, melodramatic, and slightly depressing.) I will probably regret ever posting this, because then my negative thoughts are out there for anyone to see. What would Darion think? Nothing good, I’m sure. So Darion, if you’re out there…Don’t read this, at least until I am more emotionally stable 😉
“And isn’t this exactly where you’d like me
I’m exactly where you’d like me, you know
Praying for love in a lap dance and paying in naivety”
I feel an awful lot like the woman in this video, and I’m sort of wondering if I should feel like a naive idiot thinking I actually found love. But I would still like to believe that I have, no matter how dysfunctional it is. I mean, who could expect to be happy by starting a relationship with someone who already has a girlfriend? You are just making yourself a worthless side chick who could get kicked to the curb any second. Even better, you’re leaving for a month.
You’d think that would make someone miss you and want to spend more time with you. Or maybe that’s just me being selfish.
I have not seen Darion since Wednesday. He’s been with his girlfriend mostly. Sometimes it’s friends, sometimes it’s visiting his old camp.
Either I am blinded while he is here or I am over-skeptical while he is away, because I’m feeling crappy about this whole situation again. Like I always do when he’s somewhere else.
I haven’t told you guys yet, but we had sex. I talked to him about how I was concerned I would just be added to his list of meaningless girls (because he does have a list of girls…), and he assured me that that would not be the case. And then I decided I could give him my virginity. Now that I’ve had sex I really wonder why I ever had such a moral dilemma about it in the first place. It doesn’t feel like a big deal to me. Like, it was just sex.
Just sex.
I can’t tell if that’s undermining the value of it or if it’s just uncovering the truth. Maybe both. I do not regret having sex with Darion; I don’t regret anything with him. I love every moment that we are together. But I begrudge every second that he is away. I can live without seeing him, and honestly it’s getting easier to know he’s with someone else. But this is not how it is supposed to be. I don’t have to see him every day, I can live without him. But knowing he’s with someone else tears me apart.
There’s something else I must confess, lovelies.
I am a big, dirty, rotten, stinky catfish.
I am ashamed for ever having to say those words in my life. I made up a girl named Mackenzie and pretended to be her. I would just like to say, be careful people, because it is way easier than one might think. One free app for a fake phone number and a quick online search for a pretty face, and Mackenzie was born. Mackenzie is an artist. She paints, but her favorite is sculpting. She likes to make her art come to life and look like it has motion in it, even though it is inanimate. Her parents got divorced, but her mom made the basement into an art studio. She works at subway. She likes pop rock, her favorite band is Parachute, and she has a guilty pleasure in country music. She listens to classical music while working on her art. She likes to use the ^-^ face when texting and giggles frequently. She takes college classes online to work towards becoming a teacher. I even stalked some girl’s blog to get more than one picture of her. I feel like a criminal and a dirty liar and it’s horrible. I told him within a day, but still. I betrayed his trust and that is the worst feeling in the world. He says he forgave me, just like that. He didn’t act upset. But he’s good at muting his feelings until later.
It started out as a fun sleepover prank with Rebecca, but then I was really curious about what would happen if I kept going. How he talks to other girls, how personal he would get with a stranger, if he would make any moves. I know this sounds bad, but I have a scientific brain and this was an experiment. I had a hypothesis that I wanted to test: If he cares about me as much as he says he does, he will probably be flirty but not forward with this stranger chick. And if the experiment didn’t work for this hypothesis, at least I could make observations and mentally record reactions.
My hypothesis sort of backfired. Because he was flirty and as personally open with her as he is with me. Which means, I’m just like any other girl he talks to. And he really talks to a whole lot of girls. There’s probably more than what I know about. I mean, I knew he talked to a lot of girls. I just thought that maybe, since he had a girlfriend before me (and still pretty much has that same girlfriend- breaks mean close to nothing in this regard) just maybe I meant SOMETHING, I’m not sure what… but maybe I was his only one. I’m still not sure whether this was realistic to assume, or absolutely absurd to assume. Maybe I really do matter something and he just liked me for who I am. I am believing this less and less.
Just how much does he really care for me?
Every time I see him, this doubt gets erased. Then every time he’s away, I start all over again with this circle of confusing second guesses.
Okay back to being scientific. With every single emotional thing I do, there is a battle between my brain and my heart. Logic vs Love… I think I love him, so my heart is winning. But my brain has to come in and intercept my emotions and scrutinize it and over-think everything until I have all of this doubt built up. Which is what causes this cycle, my heart wins while he’s here, and my brain starts taking over while he’s gone.
I end up with more questions than I can manage and I just want to quit. Nothing should be this complicated. I wish I could know everything about him, just everything. I always think that I’ve set things straight, because I ask him about my doubts and then he answers me, and easy as that, problem solved. But I keep thinking of more and more things to question. And then, I doubt the answers to the questions. I doubt the situation, I doubt the questions, I doubt the answers. It’s exhausting. I need to turn my brain off and trust my heart.
But I’m afraid of being wrong and getting hurt.
Lovelies, I apologize for babbling each and every time about Darion. In six days, I will be in Washington and perhaps then I won’t constantly write about how my heart yearns to be reunited with my copain. Perhaps I will, I guess we will just have to find out 😉 Until then, I will see your sexy faces next time!
Hello again, Lovelies 🙂
Time is an abstract thing. You can try to slow or stop it, but it doesn’t move. You can try to catch it, feel it slip through your fingers, yet you can’t ever touch it. We try to control time, but in reality time controls us. Times they are a changin’, In the nick of time, Time heals all wounds, All in due time, No time like the present, time after time, time and time again, time flies,
I’m running out of time.
This summer feels like it’s been going slow, and I love it because I can enjoy every moment of each day. But even though the days feel long, I realize my summer is moving too fast. Next week I am enrolling for college classes. In nine days, I will be leaving to Seattle for a month. In a couple months, I will be going to college.
Life moves so much faster than I would like it to. When you are in the moment of a memory, it goes by slowly. But thinking back on past moments makes you realize that time slips by so easily, so quietly; you don’t even realize that a second has passed until you think back on it.
I remember going to my first day of second grade, worrying who I would sit next to and shuffling around the room quietly and cautiously, looking for my name tag on the desks. I remember driving hours with my best friend to go to church camp even though I’ve never really been religious, and her parents buying me a large grasshopper frozen custard and feeling nauseous in the Kansas heat for the rest of the day. I remember crying about my friend moving away, going to Disneyland, kayaking and swimming with my family, watching that dumb movie with friends, falling out of a tree and headbutting my first love for the first time. I remember when, not too long ago, I didn’t know I loved him.
I’ve been trying to keep him out of this post for your sakes, lovelies, but I can’t hold it back anymore.
I have nine days until I leave my family and friends and mon copain. Weeks ago, I was excited to go to Washington to see my family. I actually felt homesick for my home-away-from-home. But now, I don’t want to leave.
I have nine days until I leave Darion, and then he will have a whole month to forget about me. A whole month to see everyone but me. I know, it’s not like we won’t talk. It’s not like he’ll stop caring. But time causes changes, feelings fade and warp. I’m afraid that whatever we have now, will be gone. Whether that means we will have something else, or whether “it” will just be gone, I don’t know. Only time will tell.
Another weekend, and another trip to see his girlfriend. I should start expecting this. He skipped seeing me yesterday, and he was more upset than usual though he tried to keep it from me. He always gets dark when he goes to see her. I wish I could take his darkness, and I could give him some of my crazy happiness that I randomly get sometimes. We could balance each other out.
I am not as upset as usual when he goes to see her. I guess I’m getting used to it. But this is something you can’t ever truly get used to. So many relationships end because of cheating, and honestly cheating is the worst thing in my opinion that you can do in a true relationship. But I guess I’m not in a true relationship, and it all started out with cheating, sort of. Normalities don’t apply here.
In three days, it will be exactly two months since the first day at the river with him. It’s weird to think about how nervous I was just to go sit by the river with Darion for an hour before band rehearsal. It’s weird to think about how this all started with a dance that neither of us really wanted. Yesterday was exactly two months from our first dance.
Two months seems like such a short time, yet it doesn’t feel like it has really been that long. How can time feel so long and so short at the same time? How can it move so quickly while leisurely strolling by?
It’s interesting that you can measure a relationship in time. I don’t think that’s an effective unit of measurement. Number of kisses, amount of “I love you’s”, how many times you see each other within an amount of time? No, I think there needs to be a tool to measure the ache in your heart when you are apart. That empty tugging feeling you get when you miss someone, and you know that you must love them because the world feels perfect when you are together and empty when you are apart.
Tonight is a Honey Moon, which as far as I can tell just means the full moon will glow gold and look really close. It won’t happen again until 2098. So enjoy it while you can 🙂 It may be the only Honey Moon you see in your life time. Happy Honey Moon everybody!
Originally I had Ed Sheeran’s “Firefly” because that song is pretty and Ed Sheeran’s voice is beautiful, but this song fits my feelings at the moment better and also this cover is really pretty ❤
Take some time today to spend with your loved ones, or just do something you really enjoy. Time should be spent on the best things in life. I shall see your sexy faces next time ;D
The future is a tricky thing. It’s hard to guess what might happen, and then everything you think you know can change in a single instant. I’ve found that everything in the future is an If or a When. Things you think you want to happen, and things that you think will happen.
For example: I will have so much fun with my friends if we go to the zoo before I leave for a month and Rebecca moves away forever. When my best friend moves away I will be sad. It’s all if’s and when’s, lovelies.
One moment you’re playing parcheesi with your best friend and everything is hunky-dory, thinking about how you haven’t seen your man all day but it’s okay because tomorrow after you swim you can go see him…
And then you get one phone call and your When turns to an If.
Because he tells you that he’s on his way to his girlfriends house, and he’s staying there for the weekend.
“We should hangout on Monday”.
Yeah, if you are back from your girlfriend’s. If you still feel the same about us.
I just wanted to talk to him since I haven’t really gotten to in so long. But he started talking about how he’s excited to go shopping and tattoos and old friends and all I could hear is the stuff they are doing When he’s there, with her. And I tried to sound excited because, yay new underwear, but I couldn’t try very hard because oh, his girlfriend. And I know he could hear it in my voice because suddenly he started apologizing.
“You should just give up on me, Em”
I’ve got to tell you, it was super hard for me when he said this. I don’t want to give up on him, I care too much.
But sometimes I wonder what the heck I’m doing to myself, why do I continue to stay here? I wait for all these If’s and stay for just a few When’s.
If we can hangout tonight
If he’s not with his girlfriend
If he still cares about me
If everything he says is true
If we go further
If he breaks up with her
If he wants to see me
When I get to see him
When he tells me how he feels about me
When he smiles
When he holds me close
None of it is fair to me. I get to sit back and watch my would-be boyfriend galavant around with his actual girlfriend who he actually loves and wants to spend the rest of his life with, while I wait to spend another day with him because we care about each other. It is so so hard to know he’s with her. Everything would be so much simpler if he didn’t have a girlfriend or if I didn’t get attached to him in the first place. I’m sort of stupid like that, thinking that I could have anything with a guy who has a girlfriend and not expect to fall in love or get hurt.
“Just know I haven’t forgotten about you.”
My worst fear. The feelings someone has for me, fading away or morphing into something else. Being forgotten. I just want everything to be perfect like I know it could be, if life wasn’t so complicated. I have felt this perfection with Darion and I hope he has too. Maybe he feels the same way about me, or maybe his feelings are different. I know he cares about me, but there’s a lot of different ways you can care about somebody.
Rebecca and Santiago and my parents and even Darion himself have told me to either make him make the choice between me and her or just to give up and end it all. Sometimes I agree, it’s really hard to stay where I am. But when he’s gone nothing feels right until he returns and I feel like I need him and I would rather go through this pain than lose him.
I know it’s just another sad post, lovelies, but thanks for reading ❤ I shall hope to see your sexy faces again next time.
This song is fun and also if you haven’t seen the movie “Benny and Joon”, go now. Watch it.
Hi there lovelies, short time, long blog 🙂 That was supposed to be a play-on-words for long time, no see. I don’t think it succeeded. I’m making things awkward. Alright, moving on…
Darion spent this week two hours away at his grandma’s house, which I think is really nice. She’s really important to him and it’s good that he has her in his life. The only problem, I am selfish and addicted to him like a really good drug. I go through withdrawals if I don’t get to see him everyday. *This is not obsessive, thankyouverymuch*
The first day he was there, I almost drove all the way up there to surprise him. No, I didn’t know where his grandma’s house is. No, I also did not know how to get to the town. And no, I had never, ever driven that far by myself ever. But I didn’t care, I missed him a lot and I was going to go see him. Santiago and Rebecca didn’t even think it was a bad idea. The only problem was not knowing where her house was. I can’t really surprise someone at their house if I don’t know where to go. So I was forced to ask him what the best route was, and he shot me down.
“You aren’t coming, sweetie.”
He only calls me sweetie when he thinks I’m being ignorant, childish, or one of us is really upset.
Which made me pretty upset because all I wanted to do was see him.
Now, thinking about it, it was kind of stupid to think that I could drive so far out of nowhere to see him. And besides, he probably wanted to get away from me for a few days.
But then, that night, he invited me to drive up there and swim with him. Which really, really confused me because he JUST told me I couldn’t, and now he wants me to drive up there to go swimming with him? Well, I’m not complaining too much because I was just excited to see him.
But then I sort of had a panic attack because I had about a million things to do and my parents didn’t really want me to go but they didn’t say I couldn’t, and wearing a bikini is scary and driving so far is kind of stressful especially because I have never ever driven that far let alone by myself. And then I was wondering which day to go because one day it would be just me and him and the other day would be a few more people as a group of friends. And I didn’t know which choice would be less awkward or more fun. Finally I decided that I would just go that next day because I wanted to see him as soon as possible, and swimming is really fun, and driving isn’t that bad, and I can get my to-do list done that morning before I leave.
Doing anything new is really scary for me, but it’s like jumping in a cold pool. Don’t think about how cold the water is. Don’t worry about what it’s gonna be like when you break the surface. Just go for it. You might second guess your decision mid-action, as you are falling through the air, just before you touch the frigid meniscus, but by that time there’s no turning back. And then, you just have to remember how to swim and enjoy yourself.
So I drove for two hours and I spent a whole day with him 🙂 Wearing a bikini is really scary because you are just almost naked. But I was with my almost boyfriend in a city two hours away where nobody knows us, and so it didn’t matter what all these people thought anyway. Darion even introduced me as his girlfriend. I liked the sound of that, being his girlfriend, even if it’s just to some strangers for a day.
After we swam, he took me to this cute italian restaurant. Oh. My. Goodness. It was perfection. I would eat there every single day if I could. We got toasted raviolis for the appetizer, and they were SO GOOD. And then we ate two baguettes with oil and vinegar, and I was full before I even got my food. I ordered “the special” and then they brought out the wrong “special” so I got two plates of food. Both were not what I would ever actually order, but I was feeling particularly spontaneous that day. Everything was so delicious.
Not to mention, I got another dinner date with Darion 🙂 I don’t know why I enjoy them so much. It’s just eating and talking. But it’s great anyway.
And then afterwards, we went to his grandma’s house and made out and stuff 😉 I had my first 69 experience… which involves an embarrassing story that you shall never hear. We almost went further than ever before, but we didn’t. I wanted to, but I keep having annoying moral dilemmas. I am a virgin, and I have been taught that losing your virginity is something you save for somebody special. But Darion is really special to me, and honestly I don’t really see the point in saving anything anymore. Society doesn’t exactly value virginity, you know? I wonder if I would regret it later on though. What if I change my mind or something? And would it mean as much to him as it would to me, since I have had so many first with him, and he’s had so much experience already? On my moral scale, “want to” is almost more than “maybe I shouldn’t”.
Eventually, I had to leave because his grandma was coming home soon and I was supposed to have left so I didn’t have to drive in the dark. But I would rather spend extra time with him and drive home in the dark.
And guess what?
The next day, I did it again 🙂 This time, I took two of his friends. Which honestly was kind of weird for me. Since I’ve only met both of them once, and only through Darion. I think it’s kind of crazy that I picked up two boys that I barely know and I drove for two hours with them. I almost got lost multiple times, and I kept having to drive in circles to get back on track. They ate six McChickens and ice cream from Sonic for breakfast and they talked about girls and video games. I sang in front of them and I swam with them and I wore my bikini around them and I ate italian food with them. I just think that’s absolutely strange. I am not social, okay. You guys know this. So the whole idea just seems really weird to me. But I loved it, I had a lot of fun that day. When we went back to Darion’s grandma’s house, we had a group cuddle session which really just means take a nap in bed together, but the boys are crazy horny devils so they like to hump and grope each other. I just laid there in Darion’s arms and almost fell asleep.
Almost, things that are about to happen and could likely have happened but did not, for one reason or another. Almost is important.
I had a really fun couple of days though. I love everything 🙂
Also for four days straight the only thing I ate was italian food and left over italian food. It was great.
Okay lovelies, I’m just about caught up with life now. So I shall see your sexy faces soon 🙂
A Word About My Life 