Awkward Heart

Not being able to know what you want is pretty awkward. And it’s more than when you’re at a friend’s house and they are like “Hey, since you are the guest, what do you want for supper?” And then you just stand there like a deer in head lights because, well how are you supposed to know what to eat? Maybe it’s just a trait of those of us that over think everything, but I am definitely indecisive and I never know what I want. Especially when it comes to boys.

It’s been proven that women are more likely to find a man attractive if they resemble their father either in physical appearance or personality. At first it didn’t seem that strange, I mean, a girl can see all the good things in their father and feel safe and comfortable around them, so what’s surprising about liking that? But then I realized how the people I obsess over are exactly like my dad. Yes, as awkward as it may be, I’ve found myself falling in love with my dad’s mini-me… twice.

These two boys, Daniel and Taylor, are so much like my dad that I would think he was reincarnated if he weren’t still alive. Whether it’s style, music, or hobbies, they are eerily alike. I always wonder if they would have been best friends if they knew my dad growing up. Daniel is literally the same exact person as my dad, and I had a crush on Daniel for as long as I have known him. I don’t even know if I still do because it changes so much. I get jealous when he has girlfriends, I get excited when he talks to me, it’s pathetic really. Especially because I know so much about him- including the fact that he’s pretty much a bad boy. Plus, he’s so much like my dad, even his childhood and family relationships resembles my dad’s. Then there’s Taylor, who I know close to nothing about besides the fact that he’s going to prom with Kayla, the sporty “my dad’s a cop” full of herself preppy girl. And that he has an awkward way of flirting, but he likes me and that’s nice. And there’s a really awkward rumor about him. But he’s kind of cute and really sweet and I really, really like his eyes. And I think that I like him, but every day I wonder if I actually do or if I just like the feeling of being liked. But he’s so different from Daniel, yet I’m noticing that he is more and more like my dad every day.

I was going to list every single thing they have in common with my dad, but the list is seriously really long, especially Daniel’s list, since I don’t know a lot about Taylor…yet. But do I really want to know him? I don’t know.  I don’t know anything about how I feel right now except that I have learned that I like people who have things in common with my dad. But I spend so much time figuring out how I feel that by the time I know one thing, it’s changed. I know that I just need to stop overthinking my feelings, or overanalyzing people to figure out if I should like them, but I guess that’s just part of being me.

It’s just really awkward to find out that you like people who are like your parents. And it’s really awkward to over think things so much that you don’t even know how to feel anymore. I change my mind about who I love every day, and my heart and head are always battling. Logic and Love do not fit together.

Thanks, as always, for being the sexy bloggers that you are and reading my posts. I know that I haven’t blogged in a really long time, and I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I haven’t felt like writing in a while. I will try to work on that… For those of you who really, really care about how strangely similar to my dad they (more specifically Daniel, since I actually know a lot about him) are, here’s a quick list. (Which if you don’t, feel free to leave. Don’t worry, I understand.)So here’s the list. Just for funsies.

Complicated paternal relationships

Relationships with all the wrong girls

Hole-y jeans and wifebeater t-shirts

Hobbies: Looking at, collecting, fixing, or chasing down cars, bikes, and weather

Ditching highschool to be a mechanic or a mechanical engineer or a some sort of fix-it-upper guy.

Really smart and can do puzzles and math, but only if he will actually use it

Can draw, but only if he feels like it or has some reason to.

Cares about his future and what people think, but pretends not to.

Tough and muscly on the outside, but actually vulnerable on the inside

Takes a lot to get him to say how he feels, but when he does you know he cares a lot.

He’s really passionate about what he loves, but hides it from people until he knows you are trustworthy.

It takes a lot to earn this trust, and is actually really easy to hurt him even though he pretends to brush it off like it doesn’t matter.

Longer hair that always seems to be in the state of needing a haircut

Really pretty eyes (Though I don’t really admire my dad’s that much…)

Mostly his hobbies and the way he acts with people are what really get to me for being so alike.

His personality, his likes and dislikes, his style in clothing, his sense of humor, the way he acts around certain people, even his posture… It’s so strange that they are so alike. I can practically predict the exact thing he’s about to say or do, what he’s thinking or feeling, just because I know my dad. The only thing is, I over think things so much that I can’t decide if knowing so much and practically being able to tell his future is a good thing or a bad thing. It’s cool to know so much about him, but I also pretty much know what he’s going to turn out to be like, and all the “cons” that could be in a relationship with him.

I Fail At Life

Right now I feel like the Beyonce Dance Fail Headbutt lady, hahaha… ouch -_-

So today I woke up bright and early to clean out my car and drive down to the DMV to get my licence, since my permit expired last August and I am finally seventeen, so I can go in without a parent. I drove there illiegally but… they don’t need to know that 😛

And then I failed.

I didn’t even fail the driving part which I know for sure I would have passed, hands down.

I failed the stupid written test. Which makes me feel extremely stupid. So I tried so hard not to cry until I got home, but I had my grandpa with me just in case they asked me how I got there. He’s my favorite person in the world, trying to cheer me up and tell me that I will pass next time and the questions on there are made to fail anyway.

But I was frustrated and sad and embarrassed.

I almost held back the tears, until he started telling me that he was proud of me anyway and that he trusts me and that I am beautiful. Which was just so darn nice that I couldn’t hold ’em back anymore.

And then I cried.

At first I cried because I failed, but then I got on the computer and tried to distract myself. So I went on facebook, and that made me cry harder because the day after valentines day is just about my whole school’s anniversaries, and I am just forever alone. And then I decided that I was being rediculous and tried to stop crying, because I can just retake the test. But I’m still so disappointed. And It’s taken this long just to get somebody to take me to the DMV, I don’t even know how long it will take to go back.

So I failed my test, and I fail at relationships, and I fail at not being pathetic.

Now I shall go search for the Drivers Manual online to download so maybe I won’t fail so miserably next time.

Jealousy

I want to be enchanted to meet someone, and stay up all night thinking about them ❤
“The Lingering Question kept me up, 2 AM who do you love? I wonder ’till I’m wide awake”
Maybe it’s just because it’s almost Valentines day and I don’t have a date or any hope for a date, but it’s really depressing to think about how I don’t even have somebody to dream about.
Taylor’s nice but I don’t even have a crush on him.
I want any sort of classic crush, or relationship, or anything. I’m just forever alone. And it makes me sad.

So a few days ago, I read my best friend’s diary.
I’ve known most everything that she’s put in there has happened because pretty much everything that happens to her happens to me, except her crushes and love life and my obnoxious freakishness but at least I know about them.
I’m guess I just have confidence issues. I already know that I’m too jealous of everybody, especially her.
She’s skinny, she’s got really pretty hair, beautiful eyes, great personality a little shy but not once you talk to her and quiet but still fun and confident but in a shy way. She’s good at music and dance. She’s super smart. She’s got good clothes and shoes even. I’m just jealous of everything.
And I was already jealous of her growing relationship with this guy.
But now I read details that she wasn’t telling me, just little things like how literally every moment they have together is so nice. Even the unromantic moments are just amazing.
I want to experience that.
Even when I didn’t know some of these things, I got emotional because I’m not going to have anything like that in highschool, and I’m losing hope for life.
I cried reading her diary because everything’s so perfect. Even her self-conscious obsessions are perfect for the experience.
And I just want that.
She’s in love.
And he feels the same way.
And they flirt.
And talk
And he’s charming and handsome and nice.
And I want that.

Forever Alone

I just want one thing: Love. Honestly, I’ve got nothing in this department. I feel like I’m not even ready to have a relationship, because every time I think of the one possibility of it happening in my current life (Yes, I mean Taylor), I get all paranoid and scared and I don’t want it anymore.

Pretty sure I don’t even like him. I’m just convincing myself to like him, because I really Want to, I just don’t know how. There’s nothing wrong with him. There’s just something wrong with me. I want it more than anything else, to be loved. And now that I have a little bit of a chance, I’m pushing it away.

I don’t even know why. I mean I just posted about how I thought maybe I had a crush on him now. But I’ve got to be honest with myself and honestly, I don’t even have a tiny crush on him.

This is really crushing me. All year I’ve been hoping to find somebody. There’s just nobody.

Earlier today I had half convinced myself that I was finally finding somebody. Now I’m mostly sure this isn’t true. Twelve Days ago, I posted about how all I want is to be loved, and that is definitely how I still feel today.

I don’t know why I’m so horrible at this. Everybody else is just able to pick someone and become slowly obsessed with him/her or that general idea. Maybe I’m trying too hard, or maybe I’m not trying enough.

I think about this a lot and half of my brain says to just forget about it, let it happen, when it’s time, I will know. The other half tries to evaluate every detail of the situation and find solution possibilities, faults in the design, possible outcomes of scenarios.

I’m just hopeless, really.

Forever Alone, or Not?

This song explains pretty much exactly how I feel right now ❤

I am throwing a Forever Alone party this Thursday. Yes, Valentines day. Sort of pathetic right? Well I’m hoping it will be fun. So far my friends have collaborated and come up with these plans:
1) Watch Romantic Comedy Movies
2) Eat Chocolate
3) Cry because we are forever alone.
Still quite pathetic, right? But I guess that’s us, pathetic lonely girls with nobody to love.

But then again…

Twelve days ago, I was begging to be loved. I have always had my creepers, my admirers, my follows, whatever you want to call them. They are all unwanted. And there are many of them. But then you have those special ones that seem to come out of nowhere…

Twelve days ago, I felt doomed to an eternity of loneliness because all I had was said list of creepers. But then, speech came along, and people started noticing me, and these people started talking to me, and now, I just don’t know what.

His name is Taylor, and I have mentioned him before. He is a football player, tall, dark hair, muscles, a little fluffy but definitely not fat, nice, cute smile… And he talks to me. We went to grade school together. He has a car.

He talks to me. It’s not that big of a deal right? But what if his body language is saying more. Or the WAY he talks to me. Like he finds any little topic to talk about. Does that mean he likes me? Or am I just delving too deep into an every day occurrence. I’m pretty sure he likes me. I just can’t tell how much. Today I though he was going to ask me out, and then he just asked me what my speech topic was about instead.

To which I replied, Potatoes.

I was both disappointed and relieved. I don’t know how to act around him. Thinking about him maybe asking me out makes me scared and excited and I get this pit in my stomach like I might scream or… something.  I wanted him to ask me while at the same time scrambling through my thoughts, wondering how to reply… Yes? No? Uh, can I take a rain check? I’m sort of hopeless.

I don’t even know if I want him to ask me or not. I’m scared.

I don’t know what I’m scared of. It’s frustrating. I don’t want to be alone, I want somebody to love. Then I find somebody that seems really nice and cute and he likes me, and then I don’t even know what to think anymore.

Somebody to Love

I used to love this movie, still love Anne Hathaway, and this song seemed fitting 🙂 It’s actually pretty good after about the first 30 seconds.

It seems like everywhere I look, there is some happy couple holding hands, kissing, strolling through life together. My favorites are the elderly couples, holding hands. The woman has her silver hair tied up in a loose bun, and she wears a cream-colored dress with tiny flowers scattered all over and a light pink knit shawl. Her hands are small and wrinkled, they seem fragile. He is taller than her, wearing a gray casual suit. He looks down at her and smiles, and they continue walking down the sidewalk talking about the weather or some other wonderfully pointless topic.

Sometimes it’s good to just talk about nothing, if it’s somebody special to talk with.

I don’t really have anybody like that and recently I have felt like it won’t happen to me. I am 17 years and 1 week old and I have only had one relationship. And I am embarrassed to even admit to any of my friends that I ever agreed to be in said relationship, he was loud, obnoxious, not very attractive, but he was funny and he liked me and somehow I said yes when he asked me to be his girlfriend.

But that was two, almost three years ago, when it didn’t mean anything anyway.

And now it does mean something would mean something, if it did happen. But I don’t even have a crush. It seems like there’s not a single potential lover for me to even dream about anywhere near me. It’s pretty depressing actually. I guess it’s nice to be “free” and not feel like a desperate girl, yearning to be in a relationship with that hot guy that she knows she could never in a million years have when in reality all that she really has to do is gather the guts up to take that first step and ask him to lunch… But I still feel like the desperate girl hopelessly wandering alone through life looking for somebody to love.

I realize this is a bit dramatic, but I’m a teenage girl and I just want to be loved.

Is that too much to ask?