Coins and Dice

Someone once told me that when you’re making a decision in life, to imagine that you are flipping a coin (or, actually flip one, if you don’t have much of an imagination). Depending on whatever the (perhaps metaphorical) coin lands on, you can then gauge your own feelings on the result: are you disappointed?
This is called listening to your heart.

I used to think this was the best piece of advice anybody had ever given me.
I finally let myself flip a coin and took down some of my walls, I let myself take a few chances, and I liked it.
So I kept flipping coins…

Do you want a sandwich or a burrito?
Do you want to meet new people or not?
Do you want to dance at prom?
Do you want to try something new,
meet a boy at a river,
let him kiss you,
sneak out to see him,
make-out in a parking lot,
go all the way with him?

Do you see the problem?

I won’t pretend that I’m years wiser and all-knowing now. No, I’m far from it.
Every day I am growing and learning more about myself, more about relationships, more about love. But I have gone through some eye- opening experiences. I know what regret is.
Regret is throwing judgement to the wind and taking too many chances. Regret is ignoring your voice of reason because you’ve finally learned how to jump feet-first into something new without looking back.
In two days, it’ll be exactly one year since that night in the parking lot.

For someone like me, who took eighteen years and all of high school just to dance with someone, to let anybody into her heart, or even let herself have a good time with friends, flipping a coin does come in handy. It’s good to get a little reckless because hey, it’s true– you only live once.
Flipping a coin is great at first, but when it comes to important matters, I think it’s also important to consider rolling the dice.
What I mean is, there’s not always just two outcomes. It’s not always “I do this or I don’t”. You shouldn’t base decisions solely on whether you’ll be disappointed if the best outcome doesn’t happen. Instead, maybe you should think of dice; there are so many different combinations, with lots of factors to consider. Rolling the dice means understanding that there’s a chance of the unexpected or the undesirable.
This is called listening to reason.

The trick is finding a good combination of heart and brain, spontaneity and planning, chance and reason; coins and dice.
Hello Lovelies ;D
It’s nice to see your lovely faces again.
A year ago tonight, I was a virgin. I was probably making out in the back of a car in a parking lot past curfew, wondering if this boy– this boy I have avoided for years because I knew him as a player, a heartbreaker, a Casa Nova; yet who has a charming voice, smile, says all the right words, treats me like he feels the same as I do him– wondering if this boy is “special enough” to give my virginity to.
A year ago tonight, I probably messaged him my feelings, telling him that I finally decided that it’s okay, because sex is just sex and I felt like I would lose him once I left for the summer. I thought I was running out of time and I had been waiting for someone special, but he was my first everything else; he seemed special enough.
Special enough.
That last word is what bothers me. “Enough”.
I regret that night, in the back seat of a car, in a parking lot. Because it was anything but special.
My advice to anyone reading this… Sure, flip some coins, take some chances. But roll the dice before you do something you might regret. Whether that’s losing your virginity to the wrong guy or drinking on peer pressure or even jumping off a diving board before you’re ready, don’t ignore your better judgement, don’t settle, and don’t think good “enough” is good enough. Save yourself for someone special, save yourself from harm, and save yourself from regret.
Anyway Lovelies, that’s what I’ve been pondering on. Thanks always for reading 🙂 I hope to see your sexy faces again next time!

You Get Used to It

It’s strange how easy it is to get used to being loved. When you find somebody who treats you like you mean so much to them, like they really do care about you. And they never want you to be unhappy and it feels so good to be with them and they are always on your mind because it makes your thoughts taste sweet and your memories smell irresistible. And then it’s gone. And it’s the worst thing in the world. Because all you want, out of anything at all, is for them to be next to you or to hear their voice or for them to say “I love you”. It’s the silent nights that are the most deafening. When I’m staying up till ungodly hours at night, but not because I’m talking to him. Not because my reality is finally as good as my dreams, but because I’m avoiding my dreams. Because he might be there, and I might be happy for a few moments before I wake up. Then the truth wraps around me and squeezes until it feels like I can’t breathe, but it’s not my lungs that’s choking- it’s my heart. And waiting for a text- any text. Not even anything kind of special, like those “Goodnight Em, sweet dreams” messages he used to send me every night. Just something to know that maybe he’s thinking about me too. But the truth is, he’s probably not. Wishing the phone would ring, and I could hear his voice again, his smooth vanilla-y voice the last thing I hear before I fall asleep. But knowing that won’t happen. Not anymore. Wishing you could have just one more day, to remember how it feels to be held so close; to lay on his chest and hear the symphony of his life: the steady beat of his heart and quiet melody of his breathing; to feel his breath on my neck, to hear him whisper “I love you”. You get used to being loved, and I guess you must get used to losing it, too.

“” I can’t choose a quote. Every word </3

Hey there, Lovelies. Another day, another post about Darion. I guess I shouldn’t be so sad because he was never mine, and what we had was basically a fling. But I guess I let myself get too close because this is how I feel right now, and I was afraid to post it because it makes me feel clingy and over-attached and I’m afraid that will push him farther away. But I think I can trust you lovelies ❤ Thanks for reading, I hope to see your sexy faces again soon 🙂

I Wonder if I’ll Ever Know the Truth

I want to believe that everything I felt was true. I want to believe that you loved me and maybe you still love me. But after everything recently… I’m forced to wonder.
How much of this was a lie?

Was I just a play toy? I know I’ve always been a side chick, but you said I meant more than that. You said you cared about me. That you loved me.

And what about when I told you I was afraid of what we had fading or changing because of my month away? When you told me not to worry because you would still love me. You assured me that goodbye wasn’t really goodbye.

That last night, did you think it was really goodbye?
When I said goodbye, and you told me it wasn’t the end, it’s not really goodbye because I would be coming back to you in a month. Did you think it was the beginning of the end then?
Were you just trying to make me feel better, to temporarily stop the tears and the pain? Or did I actually still matter to you then…

And everything after that, the texts, the calls. Did they actually mean anything? Were those just part of the act, too?
Or did all of these things mean what I thought they meant at the time… did you actually mean those things and I’m doubting for no reason? Am I making this all up? Because I really feel lied to.

I guess you’ve finally given up the act or you finally got bored with me. You suddenly stopped playing along.

I didn’t want to cause any problems by telling you those things. I was trying to be open and honest. But suddenly when you told me you thought me coming here was the beginning of the end, everything changed and now I feel like you think it’s the end, right now. This is it. And I don’t even get to see you, hear your voice.

You’ve always wondered why it’s so hard for me to open up and say what I’m thinking. Well, this is it.
Because when I say what I’m thinking, it ends up being true.

This Could be the end

Betrayed, Lied to, Over attached, Clingy, Obsessive, Delusional.

I don’t know whether it was him or me to make me feel like this. But suddenly nothing feels right.
And I have less than a week left before going back. Back to him, back to home. Back to the stress of trying to get my life started.
Less than a week to keep everything held together, to keep the illusion alive.

I asked him about the thing my sister told me- that she heard that he told somebody that he was done with me. That I didn’t mater. He assured me that he didn’t say that, but that he did tell somebody that we didn’t actually have anything between us because my coming to Washington was the beginning of the end.
Which I was afraid of since before I left, but also which made me realize… this may be the end.

I asked him why, if he thought it was the end, why keep acting like it wasn’t?
He says he knew it should end, but that he didn’t want it to end.
And he apologized a whole lot, saying he never wanted to hurt me.

But, that’s how it’s been since day one. Both of us knew this doesn’t work. It’s basically just a ticking time bomb. We both know it’ll explode, and we both know somebody is going to get hurt, and that somebody is probably going to be me. But instead of trying to defuse the bomb, or trying to find protection, I embraced it. I held it in both of my hands, close to my heart because I liked the way it felt to hold something. I looked away from the clock, because I wanted to enjoy this beautiful catastrophe before it all exploded. Now, I guess we are running out of time. I just can’t tell if the bomb has already fizzled out or if it’s all about to explode.

He told me he’s probably going to call off the break sooner or later.
Well sure, hasn’t that been a possibility this whole time? The break never really made sense to me anyway. Was that him trying to tell me to take a hint, he just wants to go back to his girlfriend?

I mean, there’s a possibility that this was just us talking about how we feel, and I’m blowing things out of proportion and over-thinking everything like the obsessive side chick I have been since day one.
But today when I confessed my feelings of loneliness or wanting to cuddle, he just brushed it off, instead of joining in or comforting me. When I reminded him that I had less than a week left and then I would be home after telling him I missed him, he just said “Very true” and changed the subject.
I guess I should take a hint and leave him alone. I guess I’m being obsessive and I should stop hoping for anything else. I guess I should stop trying to find proof that he still feels the same way about me. 

I just wish this all happened differently, because the only communication I’ve had with him is through texting. I haven’t heard his voice for a week. I haven’t seen his face in even longer. I haven’t felt his body next to mine or his arms around me in a month.
And I don’t know if I ever will again.