Coins and Dice

Someone once told me that when you’re making a decision in life, to imagine that you are flipping a coin (or, actually flip one, if you don’t have much of an imagination). Depending on whatever the (perhaps metaphorical) coin lands on, you can then gauge your own feelings on the result: are you disappointed?
This is called listening to your heart.

I used to think this was the best piece of advice anybody had ever given me.
I finally let myself flip a coin and took down some of my walls, I let myself take a few chances, and I liked it.
So I kept flipping coins…

Do you want a sandwich or a burrito?
Do you want to meet new people or not?
Do you want to dance at prom?
Do you want to try something new,
meet a boy at a river,
let him kiss you,
sneak out to see him,
make-out in a parking lot,
go all the way with him?

Do you see the problem?

I won’t pretend that I’m years wiser and all-knowing now. No, I’m far from it.
Every day I am growing and learning more about myself, more about relationships, more about love. But I have gone through some eye- opening experiences. I know what regret is.
Regret is throwing judgement to the wind and taking too many chances. Regret is ignoring your voice of reason because you’ve finally learned how to jump feet-first into something new without looking back.
In two days, it’ll be exactly one year since that night in the parking lot.

For someone like me, who took eighteen years and all of high school just to dance with someone, to let anybody into her heart, or even let herself have a good time with friends, flipping a coin does come in handy. It’s good to get a little reckless because hey, it’s true– you only live once.
Flipping a coin is great at first, but when it comes to important matters, I think it’s also important to consider rolling the dice.
What I mean is, there’s not always just two outcomes. It’s not always “I do this or I don’t”. You shouldn’t base decisions solely on whether you’ll be disappointed if the best outcome doesn’t happen. Instead, maybe you should think of dice; there are so many different combinations, with lots of factors to consider. Rolling the dice means understanding that there’s a chance of the unexpected or the undesirable.
This is called listening to reason.

The trick is finding a good combination of heart and brain, spontaneity and planning, chance and reason; coins and dice.
Hello Lovelies ;D
It’s nice to see your lovely faces again.
A year ago tonight, I was a virgin. I was probably making out in the back of a car in a parking lot past curfew, wondering if this boy– this boy I have avoided for years because I knew him as a player, a heartbreaker, a Casa Nova; yet who has a charming voice, smile, says all the right words, treats me like he feels the same as I do him– wondering if this boy is “special enough” to give my virginity to.
A year ago tonight, I probably messaged him my feelings, telling him that I finally decided that it’s okay, because sex is just sex and I felt like I would lose him once I left for the summer. I thought I was running out of time and I had been waiting for someone special, but he was my first everything else; he seemed special enough.
Special enough.
That last word is what bothers me. “Enough”.
I regret that night, in the back seat of a car, in a parking lot. Because it was anything but special.
My advice to anyone reading this… Sure, flip some coins, take some chances. But roll the dice before you do something you might regret. Whether that’s losing your virginity to the wrong guy or drinking on peer pressure or even jumping off a diving board before you’re ready, don’t ignore your better judgement, don’t settle, and don’t think good “enough” is good enough. Save yourself for someone special, save yourself from harm, and save yourself from regret.
Anyway Lovelies, that’s what I’ve been pondering on. Thanks always for reading 🙂 I hope to see your sexy faces again next time!