Betrayed, Lied to, Over attached, Clingy, Obsessive, Delusional.
I don’t know whether it was him or me to make me feel like this. But suddenly nothing feels right.
And I have less than a week left before going back. Back to him, back to home. Back to the stress of trying to get my life started.
Less than a week to keep everything held together, to keep the illusion alive.
I asked him about the thing my sister told me- that she heard that he told somebody that he was done with me. That I didn’t mater. He assured me that he didn’t say that, but that he did tell somebody that we didn’t actually have anything between us because my coming to Washington was the beginning of the end.
Which I was afraid of since before I left, but also which made me realize… this may be the end.
I asked him why, if he thought it was the end, why keep acting like it wasn’t?
He says he knew it should end, but that he didn’t want it to end.
And he apologized a whole lot, saying he never wanted to hurt me.
But, that’s how it’s been since day one. Both of us knew this doesn’t work. It’s basically just a ticking time bomb. We both know it’ll explode, and we both know somebody is going to get hurt, and that somebody is probably going to be me. But instead of trying to defuse the bomb, or trying to find protection, I embraced it. I held it in both of my hands, close to my heart because I liked the way it felt to hold something. I looked away from the clock, because I wanted to enjoy this beautiful catastrophe before it all exploded. Now, I guess we are running out of time. I just can’t tell if the bomb has already fizzled out or if it’s all about to explode.
He told me he’s probably going to call off the break sooner or later.
Well sure, hasn’t that been a possibility this whole time? The break never really made sense to me anyway. Was that him trying to tell me to take a hint, he just wants to go back to his girlfriend?
I mean, there’s a possibility that this was just us talking about how we feel, and I’m blowing things out of proportion and over-thinking everything like the obsessive side chick I have been since day one.
But today when I confessed my feelings of loneliness or wanting to cuddle, he just brushed it off, instead of joining in or comforting me. When I reminded him that I had less than a week left and then I would be home after telling him I missed him, he just said “Very true” and changed the subject.
I guess I should take a hint and leave him alone. I guess I’m being obsessive and I should stop hoping for anything else. I guess I should stop trying to find proof that he still feels the same way about me.
I just wish this all happened differently, because the only communication I’ve had with him is through texting. I haven’t heard his voice for a week. I haven’t seen his face in even longer. I haven’t felt his body next to mine or his arms around me in a month.
And I don’t know if I ever will again.
A Word About My Life 