My Romantic Life as Told By Taylor Swift

Hello there lovelies 🙂

One day I woke up and had an idea. It seems like Taylor Swift has a song for every moment in every sort of relationship and even though I’m not a huge Taylor fan, I decided to be creative. I basically spent hours picking the most relevant lines of lyrics out of her songs and stitching them together to form whatever you call this. If you pretend they aren’t songs and read straight through it, it actually reads like a nice poem that somehow tells my exact story.

So here’s a compilation of lyrics from 20 T-Swizzle songs, basically exactly depicting my romantic history, starting with prom and the nights at the river, moving through falling in love and heartbreak and the painful aftermath, changing into that girl who uses boys and screws with their hearts, and finally starting over with someone new 🙂

Okay before I show you my absolutely amazing collection that honestly I obsessed over a little bit too much–and I’m sure you’re on the edge of your seat in anticipation of reading it– I have something very exciting to announce.

Me and Harriel made it official 😀
*Internal squeals of excitement*
*Trying not to jump up and down like a little girl who just learned she’s going to Disneyland*
*smiling like a fool anyway*

Okay, so I will probably tell you more about it later, but do you understand how exciting this is? Like guys, I have a boyfriend. Like an actual boyfriend. We put a label on it and he doesn’t have another girl in his life and he actually wants to be with me. We are moving back to the dorms in a week and then I can see him every day, and sleep in his arms and walk to class and eat at the (oh-so romantic) cafeteria with him and… I’m just really happy, lovelies.
Okay, I’m done… for now 😉

And the moment you’ve all been waiting for, the long-awaited mashup of Queen Tay Tay’s masterpieces, the sure-to-be-famous mix tape coming to you soon probably never…
I call it, My Romantic Life As Told By Taylor Swift
(I like it better once you get a few songs in. My favorite part is “Treacherous” to “Enchanted“. Alright, don’t judge me, I know this is weird. I almost didn’t share it with you. Okay now enjoy this beautiful piece of artwork. KThanksBye.)

Today Was a Fairytale

Today was a fairytale
I wore a dress
Can you feel there’s magic in the air
It must have been the way
Today was a fairytale

Everything Has Changed

Cause all I know is we said hello
And your eyes looking like coming home
All I know since yesterday
Is everything has changed
And all my walls stood tall painted blue
But I’ll take them down and open up the door for you
So meet me there tonight
and let me know that it’s not all in my mind

Mine

Do you remember we were sitting there by the water
you put your arm around me for the first time
you made a rebel of a careless mans careful daughter

Treacherous

This slope is treacherous
This path reckless
And I like it
I cant decide if it’s a choice
getting swept away

I’d Lie

And if you asked me if I love him
I’d lie

Crazier

I’ve never gone with the wind
Watched from a distance as you
Made life your own
Feels like I’m falling and
I’m lost in your eyes

Superman

And I hang on every word you say
Something about his brown eyes has me saying
He’s not all bad like his reputation
And you’ll leave, got places to be
and I’ll be okay
Don’t forget about me

State of Grace

And I never saw you coming
And I’ll never be the same

Enchanted

The lingering question kept me up
2 AM ‘who do you love?’

Sad Beautiful Tragic

We both wake in lonely beds in different cities
and time is ticking a sweet summer race in you
and you’ve got your demons and darling they look like me
We had a beautiful magic love affair
What a sad beautiful tragic love affair

White Horse

Holding on, the days drag on
Stupid girl, I should have known
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Maybe I was naive,
got lost in your eyes.
I never really had a chance.

Red

Regretting him was like wishing
you never found out love could be that strong
Tell myself it’s time now,
gotta let go
But moving on from him
is impossible
when I still see it all in my head

All Too Well

Oh your sweet disposition
at my wide eyed gaze
We’re singing in the car
and I can picture it after all these days
And I know it’s long gone
there’s nothing else I could do
I forgot about you long enough
to remember why I need you.
Maybe I asked for too much
but maybe this thing was a masterpiece
and you tore it all up.
So casually cruel in the name of being honest
I’d like to be my old self again but I’m still trying to find it
Cause there we are again and I loved you so much
I remember it all too well

I Knew You Were Trouble

I guess you didn’t care, and I guess I liked that.
When I fell hard, you took a step back.
Without me.
I knew you were trouble when you walked in,
So shame on me now.
Flew me to places I never been.
Now I’m lying on the cold hard ground.
Pretend he doesnt know that he’s the reason why
You’re drowning.
He was long gone, when he met me
And I realize the joke is on me.
Then the saddest fear comes creeping in
that you never loved me, or her, or anyone, or anything.

The Story of Us

So many things that I wish you knew
so many walls I can’t break through
now I’m standing alone in a crowded room
and we’re not speaking
and I’m dying to know is it killing you?
I’d tell you I miss you but I don’t know how
I’ve never heard silence quite this loud

We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together

You go talk to your friends,
Talk to my friends, talk to me.

Mean

I just wanna feel okay again

Blank Space

oh my god,
Look at that face, you look like my next mistake
So hey, let’s be friends
I’m dying to see how this one ends
Stolen kisses, pretty lies
Find out what you want
Be that girl for a month
But the worst is yet to come
You can tell me when it’s over
If the high was worth the pain
Cause we’re young and we’re reckless
We’ll take this way too far and leave you breathless
Or with a nasty scar
Cause you know I love the players
And you love the game

Shake it Off

I stay out too late
Go on too many dates
Well that’s what people say
I’m just gonna shake it off.
And to the fellow over there
won’t you come on over closer
We can shake c;

Begin Again

We tell stories and you don’t know why
I’m coming off as a little shy
But I do
I’ve been spending the last eight months
Thinking all love does is break and burn and end
and I almost brought him up
But you start to talk
And for the first time what’s past is past

---

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Well, there you have it lovelies. I was very skeptical about sharing it with you. I know it’s weird but at the same time I sort of think it’s beautiful. Maybe it’s just a personal thing, so I’d be surprised if you read all the way through but if you did, maybe you see the progression of me. I’ve changed a lot throughout all this. Love is stupid. Okay, until next time, I’ll see your sexy faces soon ;D

The Christian Cowboy

On move in day of college, I was nervous, scared, excited, anxious. I wanted people to like me, I wanted my first impression to count, I wanted to meet people that I could be friends with. So I introduced myself to everyone, remembered names, and actually went out of my way to spend time with people- even on other floors.
Well, I’m not sure how well it worked out for me because I don’t have any new friends except Cody, a boy on my floor. He’s Christian, he lives on a farm, he wants a big truck, reads the bible, prays out loud, and listens to country music all day long.
Also, he has a major crush on me.
This isn’t one of those times where I’m full of myself and I assume that anybody who is friendly to me likes me. He’s made it painfully obvious in everything he does and says. Plus he wants to spend every single minute of the day with me, even though all I do is homework or go out to be with friends and make bad decisions. Regardless, he pushes himself into my life and although it’s a little annoying after a while and awkward because I have to try really hard not to lead him on, I do appreciate his friendship. He’s a really wholesome guy.
Honestly that may be a giant reason why I’m not attracted to him. Because I’m not really religious, I drink, I have sex. Heck, I went to a frat party by myself, got drunk, and went to some guy’s house to make out with him before realizing maybe I’m making a bad decision and driving to Darions house… And doing things there that could also be considered to be bad decisions (note, driving was also a bad decision, I was kind of drunk.) Cody on the other hand, does not smoke or drink, is a virgin, and has never been in a relationship before. Ever. He’s never even been on any dates, before college. He had this 8-day “relationship” here with a girl named Steph, but she told him that they were too different and he was smothering her and she didn’t really want a relationship with him. Ouch. Poor Cody.
He also took me on a date, that sneaky cowboy. We were doing homework one day (as usual) and he says, “Wanna take a break and go do something?” Naturally, I agreed because I DID want a break from electron configurations and periodic trends of electro negativity. So we ate lunch and saw a movie. He didn’t let me pay, and afterwards all my friends asked about my date with the Christian Cowboy. And I realized, “crap. That was a date.”
And then last night he invited himself to go cruising with me and santi, and he talked about how he thought it was so cool that I introduced myself to his parents (on move in day, I was trying to get to know people…)…
Wait…
Then he asked me to go to the lake and go camping with him and his family…
Woah hold up.
Because he thinks I’m a great girl with a bubbly personality and I’m really pretty and he thinks it would be loads of fun.
So I had to reject him… Again…
But I stay friendly because he’s my only friend here besides my high school friends, and I do like having someone to talk to.
And that’s how you get caught in the “I don’t want to be your girlfriend, can’t we just be friends without breaking your heart” zone.

I feel like video this is me and Cody in some awkward, reversed way.
http://youtu.be/3umaLe37-LE

Hello lovelies 🙂
I’m not sure if you even read this far because Cody the Christian cowboy isn’t very exciting :p he’s just someone who likes me and I’m afraid I going to end up hurting him.
Today I have my first Symphony Orchestra concert and I think I’m supposed to be nervous. But I’m not.
I bought my first ever pair of sweat pants the other day with money I should use for my phone bill, and I am loving them. Bazill let me wear his at a party at his house a few weeks ago and I had to get them. I am no longer a sweatpants virgin. There’s one “first” Darion didn’t give me :p
Anyway, thanks for reading lovelies 😀
I’ll see your sexy faces next time!

You Get Used to It

It’s strange how easy it is to get used to being loved. When you find somebody who treats you like you mean so much to them, like they really do care about you. And they never want you to be unhappy and it feels so good to be with them and they are always on your mind because it makes your thoughts taste sweet and your memories smell irresistible. And then it’s gone. And it’s the worst thing in the world. Because all you want, out of anything at all, is for them to be next to you or to hear their voice or for them to say “I love you”. It’s the silent nights that are the most deafening. When I’m staying up till ungodly hours at night, but not because I’m talking to him. Not because my reality is finally as good as my dreams, but because I’m avoiding my dreams. Because he might be there, and I might be happy for a few moments before I wake up. Then the truth wraps around me and squeezes until it feels like I can’t breathe, but it’s not my lungs that’s choking- it’s my heart. And waiting for a text- any text. Not even anything kind of special, like those “Goodnight Em, sweet dreams” messages he used to send me every night. Just something to know that maybe he’s thinking about me too. But the truth is, he’s probably not. Wishing the phone would ring, and I could hear his voice again, his smooth vanilla-y voice the last thing I hear before I fall asleep. But knowing that won’t happen. Not anymore. Wishing you could have just one more day, to remember how it feels to be held so close; to lay on his chest and hear the symphony of his life: the steady beat of his heart and quiet melody of his breathing; to feel his breath on my neck, to hear him whisper “I love you”. You get used to being loved, and I guess you must get used to losing it, too.

“” I can’t choose a quote. Every word </3

Hey there, Lovelies. Another day, another post about Darion. I guess I shouldn’t be so sad because he was never mine, and what we had was basically a fling. But I guess I let myself get too close because this is how I feel right now, and I was afraid to post it because it makes me feel clingy and over-attached and I’m afraid that will push him farther away. But I think I can trust you lovelies ❤ Thanks for reading, I hope to see your sexy faces again soon 🙂

Another Long, Doubt-filled Post About Darion

Hello again lovelies 🙂
Well the titles says most (I would say all, but it doesn’t include emotionally distraught, melodramatic, and slightly depressing.) I will probably regret ever posting this, because then my negative thoughts are out there for anyone to see. What would Darion think? Nothing good, I’m sure. So Darion, if you’re out there…Don’t read this, at least until I am more emotionally stable 😉
“And isn’t this exactly where you’d like me
I’m exactly where you’d like me, you know
Praying for love in a lap dance and paying in naivety”
I feel an awful lot like the woman in this video, and I’m sort of wondering if I should feel like a naive idiot thinking I actually found love. But I would still like to believe that I have, no matter how dysfunctional it is. I mean, who could expect to be happy by starting a relationship with someone who already has a girlfriend? You are just making yourself a worthless side chick who could get kicked to the curb any second. Even better, you’re leaving for a month.
You’d think that would make someone miss you and want to spend more time with you. Or maybe that’s just me being selfish.
I have not seen Darion since Wednesday. He’s been with his girlfriend mostly. Sometimes it’s friends, sometimes it’s visiting his old camp.
Either I am blinded while he is here or I am over-skeptical while he is away, because I’m feeling crappy about this whole situation again. Like I always do when he’s somewhere else.
I haven’t told you guys yet, but we had sex. I talked to him about how I was concerned I would just be added to his list of meaningless girls (because he does have a list of girls…), and he assured me that that would not be the case. And then I decided I could give him my virginity. Now that I’ve had sex I really wonder why I ever had such a moral dilemma about it in the first place. It doesn’t feel like a big deal to me. Like, it was just sex.
Just sex.
I can’t tell if that’s undermining the value of it or if it’s just uncovering the truth. Maybe both. I do not regret having sex with Darion; I don’t regret anything with him. I love every moment that we are together. But I begrudge every second that he is away. I can live without seeing him, and honestly it’s getting easier to know he’s with someone else. But this is not how it is supposed to be. I don’t have to see him every day, I can live without him. But knowing he’s with someone else tears me apart.
There’s something else I must confess, lovelies.
I am a big, dirty, rotten, stinky catfish.
I am ashamed for ever having to say those words in my life. I made up a girl named Mackenzie and pretended to be her. I would just like to say, be careful people, because it is way easier than one might think. One free app for a fake phone number and a quick online search for a pretty face, and Mackenzie was born. Mackenzie is an artist. She paints, but her favorite is sculpting. She likes to make her art come to life and look like it has motion in it, even though it is inanimate. Her parents got divorced, but her mom made the basement into an art studio. She works at subway. She likes pop rock, her favorite band is Parachute, and she has a guilty pleasure in country music. She listens to classical music while working on her art. She likes to use the ^-^ face when texting and giggles frequently. She takes college classes online to work towards becoming a teacher. I even stalked some girl’s blog to get more than one picture of her. I feel like a criminal and a dirty liar and it’s horrible. I told him within a day, but still. I betrayed his trust and that is the worst feeling in the world. He says he forgave me, just like that. He didn’t act upset. But he’s good at muting his feelings until later.
It started out as a fun sleepover prank with Rebecca, but then I was really curious about what would happen if I kept going. How he talks to other girls, how personal he would get with a stranger, if he would make any moves. I know this sounds bad, but I have a scientific brain and this was an experiment. I had a hypothesis that I wanted to test: If he cares about me as much as he says he does, he will probably be flirty but not forward with this stranger chick. And if the experiment didn’t work for this hypothesis, at least I could make observations and mentally record reactions.
My hypothesis sort of backfired. Because he was flirty and as personally open with her as he is with me. Which means, I’m just like any other girl he talks to. And he really talks to a whole lot of girls. There’s probably more than what I know about. I mean, I knew he talked to a lot of girls. I just thought that maybe, since he had a girlfriend before me (and still pretty much has that same girlfriend- breaks mean close to nothing in this regard) just maybe I meant SOMETHING, I’m not sure what… but maybe I was his only one. I’m still not sure whether this was realistic to assume, or absolutely absurd to assume. Maybe I really do matter something and he just liked me for who I am. I am believing this less and less.
Just how much does he really care for me?
Every time I see him, this doubt gets erased. Then every time he’s away, I start all over again with this circle of confusing second guesses.
Okay back to being scientific. With every single emotional thing I do, there is a battle between my brain and my heart. Logic vs Love… I think I love him, so my heart is winning. But my brain has to come in and intercept my emotions and scrutinize it and over-think everything until I have all of this doubt built up. Which is what causes this cycle, my heart wins while he’s here, and my brain starts taking over while he’s gone.
I end up with more questions than I can manage and I just want to quit. Nothing should be this complicated. I wish I could know everything about him, just everything. I always think that I’ve set things straight, because I ask him about my doubts and then he answers me, and easy as that, problem solved. But I keep thinking of more and more things to question. And then, I doubt the answers to the questions. I doubt the situation, I doubt the questions, I doubt the answers. It’s exhausting. I need to turn my brain off and trust my heart.
But I’m afraid of being wrong and getting hurt.

Lovelies, I apologize for babbling each and every time about Darion. In six days, I will be in Washington and perhaps then I won’t constantly write about how my heart yearns to be reunited with my copain. Perhaps I will, I guess we will just have to find out 😉 Until then, I will see your sexy faces next time!

Time is a wonderful, beautiful, tragic thing that we created to control our lives.

Hello again, Lovelies 🙂
Time is an abstract thing. You can try to slow or stop it, but it doesn’t move. You can try to catch it, feel it slip through your fingers, yet you can’t ever touch it. We try to control time, but in reality time controls us. Times they are a changin’, In the nick of time, Time heals all wounds, All in due time, No time like the present, time after time, time and time again, time flies,
I’m running out of time.
This summer feels like it’s been going slow, and I love it because I can enjoy every moment of each day. But even though the days feel long, I realize my summer is moving too fast. Next week I am enrolling for college classes. In nine days, I will be leaving to Seattle for a month. In a couple months, I will be going to college.
Life moves so much faster than I would like it to. When you are in the moment of a memory, it goes by slowly. But thinking back on past moments makes you realize that time slips by so easily, so quietly; you don’t even realize that a second has passed until you think back on it.
I remember going to my first day of second grade, worrying who I would sit next to and shuffling around the room quietly and cautiously, looking for my name tag on the desks. I remember driving hours with my best friend to go to church camp even though I’ve never really been religious, and her parents buying me a large grasshopper frozen custard and feeling nauseous in the Kansas heat for the rest of the day. I remember crying about my friend moving away, going to Disneyland, kayaking and swimming with my family, watching that dumb movie with friends, falling out of a tree and headbutting my first love for the first time. I remember when, not too long ago, I didn’t know I loved him.
I’ve been trying to keep him out of this post for your sakes, lovelies, but I can’t hold it back anymore.
I have nine days until I leave my family and friends and mon copain. Weeks ago, I was excited to go to Washington to see my family. I actually felt homesick for my home-away-from-home. But now, I don’t want to leave.
I have nine days until I leave Darion, and then he will have a whole month to forget about me. A whole month to see everyone but me. I know, it’s not like we won’t talk. It’s not like he’ll stop caring. But time causes changes, feelings fade and warp. I’m afraid that whatever we have now, will be gone. Whether that means we will have something else, or whether “it” will just be gone, I don’t know. Only time will tell.
Another weekend, and another trip to see his girlfriend. I should start expecting this. He skipped seeing me yesterday, and he was more upset than usual though he tried to keep it from me. He always gets dark when he goes to see her. I wish I could take his darkness, and I could give him some of my crazy happiness that I randomly get sometimes. We could balance each other out.
I am not as upset as usual when he goes to see her. I guess I’m getting used to it. But this is something you can’t ever truly get used to. So many relationships end because of cheating, and honestly cheating is the worst thing in my opinion that you can do in a true relationship. But I guess I’m not in a true relationship, and it all started out with cheating, sort of. Normalities don’t apply here.
In three days, it will be exactly two months since the first day at the river with him. It’s weird to think about how nervous I was just to go sit by the river with Darion for an hour before band rehearsal. It’s weird to think about how this all started with a dance that neither of us really wanted. Yesterday was exactly two months from our first dance.
Two months seems like such a short time, yet it doesn’t feel like it has really been that long. How can time feel so long and so short at the same time? How can it move so quickly while leisurely strolling by?
It’s interesting that you can measure a relationship in time. I don’t think that’s an effective unit of measurement. Number of kisses, amount of “I love you’s”, how many times you see each other within an amount of time? No, I think there needs to be a tool to measure the ache in your heart when you are apart. That empty tugging feeling you get when you miss someone, and you know that you must love them because the world feels perfect when you are together and empty when you are apart.
Tonight is a Honey Moon, which as far as I can tell just means the full moon will glow gold and look really close. It won’t happen again until 2098. So enjoy it while you can 🙂 It may be the only Honey Moon you see in your life time. Happy Honey Moon everybody!

Originally I had Ed Sheeran’s “Firefly” because that song is pretty and Ed Sheeran’s voice is beautiful, but this song fits my feelings at the moment better and also this cover is really pretty ❤

Take some time today to spend with your loved ones, or just do something you really enjoy. Time should be spent on the best things in life. I shall see your sexy faces next time ;D

If’s and When’s

The future is a tricky thing. It’s hard to guess what might happen, and then everything you think you know can change in a single instant. I’ve found that everything in the future is an If or a When. Things you think you want to happen, and things that you think will happen.
For example: I will have so much fun with my friends if we go to the zoo before I leave for a month and Rebecca moves away forever. When my best friend moves away I will be sad. It’s all if’s and when’s, lovelies.
One moment you’re playing parcheesi with your best friend and everything is hunky-dory, thinking about how you haven’t seen your man all day but it’s okay because tomorrow after you swim you can go see him…
And then you get one phone call and your When turns to an If.
Because he tells you that he’s on his way to his girlfriends house, and he’s staying there for the weekend.
“We should hangout on Monday”.
Yeah, if you are back from your girlfriend’s. If you still feel the same about us.
I just wanted to talk to him since I haven’t really gotten to in so long. But he started talking about how he’s excited to go shopping and tattoos and old friends and all I could hear is the stuff they are doing When he’s there, with her. And I tried to sound excited because, yay new underwear, but I couldn’t try very hard because oh, his girlfriend. And I know he could hear it in my voice because suddenly he started apologizing.
“You should just give up on me, Em”
I’ve got to tell you, it was super hard for me when he said this. I don’t want to give up on him, I care too much.
But sometimes I wonder what the heck I’m doing to myself, why do I continue to stay here? I wait for all these If’s and stay for just a few When’s.
If we can hangout tonight
If he’s not with his girlfriend
If he still cares about me
If everything he says is true
If we go further
If he breaks up with her
If he wants to see me
When I get to see him
When he tells me how he feels about me
When he smiles
When he holds me close
None of it is fair to me. I get to sit back and watch my would-be boyfriend galavant around with his actual girlfriend who he actually loves and wants to spend the rest of his life with, while I wait to spend another day with him because we care about each other. It is so so hard to know he’s with her. Everything would be so much simpler if he didn’t have a girlfriend or if I didn’t get attached to him in the first place. I’m sort of stupid like that, thinking that I could have anything with a guy who has a girlfriend and not expect to fall in love or get hurt.
“Just know I haven’t forgotten about you.”
My worst fear. The feelings someone has for me, fading away or morphing into something else. Being forgotten. I just want everything to be perfect like I know it could be, if life wasn’t so complicated. I have felt this perfection with Darion and I hope he has too. Maybe he feels the same way about me, or maybe his feelings are different. I know he cares about me, but there’s a lot of different ways you can care about somebody.
Rebecca and Santiago and my parents and even Darion himself have told me to either make him make the choice between me and her or just to give up and end it all. Sometimes I agree, it’s really hard to stay where I am. But when he’s gone nothing feels right until he returns and I feel like I need him and I would rather go through this pain than lose him.
I know it’s just another sad post, lovelies, but thanks for reading ❤ I shall hope to see your sexy faces again next time.

Almost is Important

 

This song is fun and also if you haven’t seen the movie “Benny and Joon”, go now. Watch it.

Hi there lovelies, short time, long blog 🙂 That was supposed to be a play-on-words for long time, no see. I don’t think it succeeded. I’m making things awkward. Alright, moving on…
Darion spent this week two hours away at his grandma’s house, which I think is really nice. She’s really important to him and it’s good that he has her in his life. The only problem, I am selfish and addicted to him like a really good drug. I go through withdrawals if I don’t get to see him everyday. *This is not obsessive, thankyouverymuch*
The first day he was there, I almost drove all the way up there to surprise him. No, I didn’t know where his grandma’s house is. No, I also did not know how to get to the town. And no, I had never, ever driven that far by myself ever. But I didn’t care, I missed him a lot and I was going to go see him. Santiago and Rebecca didn’t even think it was a bad idea. The only problem was not knowing where her house was. I can’t really surprise someone at their house if I don’t know where to go. So I was forced to ask him what the best route was, and he shot me down.
“You aren’t coming, sweetie.”
He only calls me sweetie when he thinks I’m being ignorant, childish, or one of us is really upset.
Which made me pretty upset because all I wanted to do was see him.
Now, thinking about it, it was kind of stupid to think that I could drive so far out of nowhere to see him. And besides, he probably wanted to get away from me for a few days.
But then, that night, he invited me to drive up there and swim with him. Which really, really confused me because he JUST told me I couldn’t, and now he wants me to drive up there to go swimming with him? Well, I’m not complaining too much because I was just excited to see him.
But then I sort of had a panic attack because I had about a million things to do and my parents didn’t really want me to go but they didn’t say I couldn’t, and wearing a bikini is scary and driving so far is kind of stressful especially because I have never ever driven that far let alone by myself. And then I was wondering which day to go because one day it would be just me and him and the other day would be a few more people as a group of friends. And I didn’t know which choice would be less awkward or more fun. Finally I decided that I would just go that next day because I wanted to see him as soon as possible, and swimming is really fun, and driving isn’t that bad, and I can get my to-do list done that morning before I leave.
Doing anything new is really scary for me, but it’s like jumping in a cold pool. Don’t think about how cold the water is. Don’t worry about what it’s gonna be like when you break the surface. Just go for it. You might second guess your decision mid-action, as you are falling through the air, just before you touch the frigid meniscus, but by that time there’s no turning back. And then, you just have to remember how to swim and enjoy yourself.
So I drove for two hours and I spent a whole day with him 🙂 Wearing a bikini is really scary because you are just almost naked. But I was with my almost boyfriend in a city two hours away where nobody knows us, and so it didn’t matter what all these people thought anyway. Darion even introduced me as his girlfriend. I liked the sound of that, being his girlfriend, even if it’s just to some strangers for a day.
After we swam, he took me to this cute italian restaurant. Oh. My. Goodness. It was perfection. I would eat there every single day if I could. We got toasted raviolis for the appetizer, and they were SO GOOD. And then we ate two baguettes with oil and vinegar, and I was full before I even got my food. I ordered “the special” and then they brought out the wrong “special” so I got two plates of food. Both were not what I would ever actually order, but I was feeling particularly spontaneous that day. Everything was so delicious.
Not to mention, I got another dinner date with Darion 🙂 I don’t know why I enjoy them so much. It’s just eating and talking. But it’s great anyway.
And then afterwards, we went to his grandma’s house and made out and stuff 😉 I had my first 69 experience… which involves an embarrassing story that you shall never hear. We almost went further than ever before, but we didn’t. I wanted to, but I keep having annoying moral dilemmas. I am a virgin, and I have been taught that losing your virginity is something you save for somebody special. But Darion is really special to me, and honestly I don’t really see the point in saving anything anymore. Society doesn’t exactly value virginity, you know? I wonder if I would regret it later on though. What if I change my mind or something? And would it mean as much to him as it would to me, since I have had so many first with him, and he’s had so much experience already? On my moral scale, “want to” is almost more than “maybe I shouldn’t”.
Eventually, I had to leave because his grandma was coming home soon and I was supposed to have left so I didn’t have to drive in the dark. But I would rather spend extra time with him and drive home in the dark.
And guess what?
The next day, I did it again 🙂 This time, I took two of his friends. Which honestly was kind of weird for me. Since I’ve only met both of them once, and only through Darion. I think it’s kind of crazy that I picked up two boys that I barely know and I drove for two hours with them. I almost got lost multiple times, and I kept having to drive in circles to get back on track. They ate six McChickens and ice cream from Sonic for breakfast and they talked about girls and video games. I sang in front of them and I swam with them and I wore my bikini around them and I ate italian food with them. I just think that’s absolutely strange. I am not social, okay. You guys know this. So the whole idea just seems really weird to me. But I loved it, I had a lot of fun that day. When we went back to Darion’s grandma’s house, we had a group cuddle session which really just means take a nap in bed together, but the boys are crazy horny devils so they like to hump and grope each other. I just laid there in Darion’s arms and almost fell asleep.
Almost, things that are about to happen and could likely have happened but did not, for one reason or another. Almost is important.
I had a really fun couple of days though. I love everything 🙂
Also for four days straight the only thing I ate was italian food and left over italian food. It was great.
Okay lovelies, I’m just about caught up with life now. So I shall see your sexy faces soon 🙂

He Didn’t Die

I’m back already, lovelies.
He called me just now, and I would just like to say one thing.
Relief.
I was getting so worried because he told me he would text me today and he didn’t. I was staying up as late as I could, waiting just for a message from him, and I was giving up. I kept looking at the clock, and since he messaged me yesterday at around 12:15, I waited till then. But he didn’t text me. So I waited longer. Finally I got tired of waiting and decided if he hasn’t texted me by 1, I don’t care if he texts me at all. He’s a liar and I don’t want to talk to him and I shouldn’t have to wait this long for him anyway.
But then, at 12:47 AM as my mood was plummeting exponentially and just about hitting rock bottom, he called me 🙂
That’s right, my phone rang and it wasn’t just a tweet from my cousin and it wasn’t a snapchat from Rebecca. Darion called me and I got to hear his voice
and his voice told me that I get to see him tomorrow morning and I am so happy right now.
I get to finally meet his dog and I’m so excited for that, too! I’m going to see Darion tomorrow morning at the dog park and meet his dog and he says he’s going to tell me what happened.
Which means, something happened. BUT I don’t even care about that right now. I get to see my copain tomorrow morning 😀

Alright, well I heard this song today and I liked it a lot and also I like how the video is like the movie Big so here ya go 🙂

I hope I see your sexy faces again soon, thanks for reading!

It’s Almost Like He Died

CAUTION do not watch this video if you hate spiders.

If you read my last blog, you know that Darion left for three days and he is still at his girlfriend’s.
I knew it would be hard, and I knew I would miss him. But I haven’t gotten a single text from him since 2 PM right after he left, and I only got a few chat messages last night while I was with Rebecca. Our total communication time since he left is seven minutes, and it was just him apologizing over and over.
Well it’s not okay. I have never felt empty like this.
Nothing is really his fault, I don’t really know what he was apologizing for. But I do know that I feel horrible and I don’t know what to do with myself. All day, I’ve been trying to distract myself with games or movies or cleaning, but the emptiness is there. I know that I won’t see him today or tonight or tomorrow. I don’t know when I will hear from him again.
He’s like a highly addictive drug that I have to share with this other girl and I got addicted because I liked to use this drug every day because it makes me happy and it feels great. But suddenly, I am not allowed to use the drug. For three days, I can’t even look at it. It’s just gone, I had to quit cold turkey and I don’t even get a text to help me through it.
Seven minutes is not enough, okay? I am going through withdrawals. He said he would text me today, and I get that he can’t talk to me much because he’s with his girlfriend but oh my gosh it is the worst thing in the world to just wait. And nothing. I get a blank screen and a sinking heart. Every time my phone makes a noise, I jump to see if it is Darion. It never is.
But the silence is worse. I just sit here waiting for any sign of him and I get nothing and it’s like he died. Except if he died, at least then I would know why he wasn’t talking to me.
I guess I sound obsessive but I honestly can you blame me? I love being with him and I guess I got used to being happy with him because suddenly he’s completely MIA and I can’t function.
So my not-boyfriend is with his girlfriend, not sparing a thought for his not-girlfriend, and not coming back for another whole day.
2 very painful days down, one to go.

On a side note, in my sadness I went on a shopping spree and used up two gift cards buying music. I will now receive three Panic! at the Disco and Fall Out Boy CD’s in the next 4-7 business days 😀 I almost also got a Neon Trees CD, but I ran out of money.
So lets hope that next time I miss someone, I have more money. Or I won’t have to shop through my sadness 😛
Well thanks for reading, I will be seeing your sexy faces next time 😉

I Hope He Didn’t See Me Cry

Currently I am curled up under my favorite blanket, watching the Lion King and eating a bar of dark chocolate left over from last night and crying. Darion left a little bit ago to go to his girlfriend’s, and he’s staying there for three days. I got to see him before he left, but it was so hard letting him leave. Maybe I shouldn’t have gone to see him at all– then I wouldn’t have had to say goodbye.
I went to his house and we laid on his bed for a while and I kept almost crying. I knew that in just a few minutes, I would have to let him go and that was the worst feeling ever. Then we were afraid his uncle would come home and see me there (I’m still supposed to be a secret) so we sat in his car at the park. He played his ukulele and I listened and I started to enjoy just being with him and almost forgot that he was leaving. But then one o’clock rolled around and I had to let him leave and then I couldn’t hold it back anymore and I sat there and cried while he drove away. I tried to hide it until he turned the corner, because I didn’t want him to know how upset I was. I don’t want to be obsessive and I don’t want to disrupt his time with his girlfriend and I don’t want him to feel bad about anything. I mean, he’s just visiting his girlfriend. There shouldn’t be some sad girl at home waiting for him and causing drama. This is why cheating is bad.
I don’t know what to do now. Rebecca is busy getting her house ready to sell and Darion is gone and all I want to do is lay here and be sad.
My family says I need to talk to Darion about his girlfriend, and make him choose between her and me. They say I don’t deserve to just be his side girl and that I shouldn’t be playing along with his games; that he’s playing me and they don’t understand why I’m willingly going along with it. Maybe they’re right about some things. I don’t like how he has a girlfriend, but I have been going along with everything. I pretend like she doesn’t exist, but it’s times like this when it is impossible to pretend. I am forced to remember that I’m not his girlfriend. I’m just his mistress. I don’t want to stop seeing him, but it’s getting a lot harder.
I know he cares about me a lot, and I care so much about him. It’s just really hard knowing that he also loves her and I can’t just expect him to leave her for me. I’m the one who knew he had a girlfriend and decided to spend all this time with him in the first place. I let myself fall for him and I can’t take it back. I wouldn’t take it back if I could, I love being with him.
But I can’t ask him to break up with her. It’s just horrible for me to try to make him choose between us, like I can’t just walk into his life and expect him to drop everything for me. In a perfect world, of course I would want that. In this world, if I asked him to break up with her, firstly I would be a heartless bitch that doesn’t care about ruining someone else’s relationship for her own, and secondly he wouldn’t choose his paramour over his girlfriend. I don’t know how long they’ve been dating, but I guess it doesn’t really matter because he loves her and I can’t expect that to just end.
So I won’t talk to him about his girlfriend, I’m sure he knows my doubts and concerns; they’ve been there all along. But the more attached I get, the harder it is for me to deal with them. I’m trying to push my own concerns aside because I care about him and I don’t want to stop seeing him.
I don’t know how much he’s going to talk to me in these next few days, I’m sure he’ll be busy. All I know is that this weekend can’t come soon enough. It has been one hour and I miss him so much.

Thanks for reading, lovelies 🙂 I will see your sexy faces next time.