Hello again lovelies 🙂
Well the titles says most (I would say all, but it doesn’t include emotionally distraught, melodramatic, and slightly depressing.) I will probably regret ever posting this, because then my negative thoughts are out there for anyone to see. What would Darion think? Nothing good, I’m sure. So Darion, if you’re out there…Don’t read this, at least until I am more emotionally stable 😉
“And isn’t this exactly where you’d like me
I’m exactly where you’d like me, you know
Praying for love in a lap dance and paying in naivety”
I feel an awful lot like the woman in this video, and I’m sort of wondering if I should feel like a naive idiot thinking I actually found love. But I would still like to believe that I have, no matter how dysfunctional it is. I mean, who could expect to be happy by starting a relationship with someone who already has a girlfriend? You are just making yourself a worthless side chick who could get kicked to the curb any second. Even better, you’re leaving for a month.
You’d think that would make someone miss you and want to spend more time with you. Or maybe that’s just me being selfish.
I have not seen Darion since Wednesday. He’s been with his girlfriend mostly. Sometimes it’s friends, sometimes it’s visiting his old camp.
Either I am blinded while he is here or I am over-skeptical while he is away, because I’m feeling crappy about this whole situation again. Like I always do when he’s somewhere else.
I haven’t told you guys yet, but we had sex. I talked to him about how I was concerned I would just be added to his list of meaningless girls (because he does have a list of girls…), and he assured me that that would not be the case. And then I decided I could give him my virginity. Now that I’ve had sex I really wonder why I ever had such a moral dilemma about it in the first place. It doesn’t feel like a big deal to me. Like, it was just sex.
Just sex.
I can’t tell if that’s undermining the value of it or if it’s just uncovering the truth. Maybe both. I do not regret having sex with Darion; I don’t regret anything with him. I love every moment that we are together. But I begrudge every second that he is away. I can live without seeing him, and honestly it’s getting easier to know he’s with someone else. But this is not how it is supposed to be. I don’t have to see him every day, I can live without him. But knowing he’s with someone else tears me apart.
There’s something else I must confess, lovelies.
I am a big, dirty, rotten, stinky catfish.
I am ashamed for ever having to say those words in my life. I made up a girl named Mackenzie and pretended to be her. I would just like to say, be careful people, because it is way easier than one might think. One free app for a fake phone number and a quick online search for a pretty face, and Mackenzie was born. Mackenzie is an artist. She paints, but her favorite is sculpting. She likes to make her art come to life and look like it has motion in it, even though it is inanimate. Her parents got divorced, but her mom made the basement into an art studio. She works at subway. She likes pop rock, her favorite band is Parachute, and she has a guilty pleasure in country music. She listens to classical music while working on her art. She likes to use the ^-^ face when texting and giggles frequently. She takes college classes online to work towards becoming a teacher. I even stalked some girl’s blog to get more than one picture of her. I feel like a criminal and a dirty liar and it’s horrible. I told him within a day, but still. I betrayed his trust and that is the worst feeling in the world. He says he forgave me, just like that. He didn’t act upset. But he’s good at muting his feelings until later.
It started out as a fun sleepover prank with Rebecca, but then I was really curious about what would happen if I kept going. How he talks to other girls, how personal he would get with a stranger, if he would make any moves. I know this sounds bad, but I have a scientific brain and this was an experiment. I had a hypothesis that I wanted to test: If he cares about me as much as he says he does, he will probably be flirty but not forward with this stranger chick. And if the experiment didn’t work for this hypothesis, at least I could make observations and mentally record reactions.
My hypothesis sort of backfired. Because he was flirty and as personally open with her as he is with me. Which means, I’m just like any other girl he talks to. And he really talks to a whole lot of girls. There’s probably more than what I know about. I mean, I knew he talked to a lot of girls. I just thought that maybe, since he had a girlfriend before me (and still pretty much has that same girlfriend- breaks mean close to nothing in this regard) just maybe I meant SOMETHING, I’m not sure what… but maybe I was his only one. I’m still not sure whether this was realistic to assume, or absolutely absurd to assume. Maybe I really do matter something and he just liked me for who I am. I am believing this less and less.
Just how much does he really care for me?
Every time I see him, this doubt gets erased. Then every time he’s away, I start all over again with this circle of confusing second guesses.
Okay back to being scientific. With every single emotional thing I do, there is a battle between my brain and my heart. Logic vs Love… I think I love him, so my heart is winning. But my brain has to come in and intercept my emotions and scrutinize it and over-think everything until I have all of this doubt built up. Which is what causes this cycle, my heart wins while he’s here, and my brain starts taking over while he’s gone.
I end up with more questions than I can manage and I just want to quit. Nothing should be this complicated. I wish I could know everything about him, just everything. I always think that I’ve set things straight, because I ask him about my doubts and then he answers me, and easy as that, problem solved. But I keep thinking of more and more things to question. And then, I doubt the answers to the questions. I doubt the situation, I doubt the questions, I doubt the answers. It’s exhausting. I need to turn my brain off and trust my heart.
But I’m afraid of being wrong and getting hurt.
Lovelies, I apologize for babbling each and every time about Darion. In six days, I will be in Washington and perhaps then I won’t constantly write about how my heart yearns to be reunited with my copain. Perhaps I will, I guess we will just have to find out 😉 Until then, I will see your sexy faces next time!
A Word About My Life 