I just want one thing: Love. Honestly, I’ve got nothing in this department. I feel like I’m not even ready to have a relationship, because every time I think of the one possibility of it happening in my current life (Yes, I mean Taylor), I get all paranoid and scared and I don’t want it anymore.
Pretty sure I don’t even like him. I’m just convincing myself to like him, because I really Want to, I just don’t know how. There’s nothing wrong with him. There’s just something wrong with me. I want it more than anything else, to be loved. And now that I have a little bit of a chance, I’m pushing it away.
I don’t even know why. I mean I just posted about how I thought maybe I had a crush on him now. But I’ve got to be honest with myself and honestly, I don’t even have a tiny crush on him.
This is really crushing me. All year I’ve been hoping to find somebody. There’s just nobody.
Earlier today I had half convinced myself that I was finally finding somebody. Now I’m mostly sure this isn’t true. Twelve Days ago, I posted about how all I want is to be loved, and that is definitely how I still feel today.
I don’t know why I’m so horrible at this. Everybody else is just able to pick someone and become slowly obsessed with him/her or that general idea. Maybe I’m trying too hard, or maybe I’m not trying enough.
I think about this a lot and half of my brain says to just forget about it, let it happen, when it’s time, I will know. The other half tries to evaluate every detail of the situation and find solution possibilities, faults in the design, possible outcomes of scenarios.
I’m just hopeless, really.
A Word About My Life 